Jeff and his friend Reneé

A recovering addict wrote to me: In reading the responses of the parents of addicts on your blog, I am truly moved by the love, acceptance and understanding that you have. I was not fortunate enough to have parents that were understanding or willing to stand by me through the depths of my addiction and the struggle that I underwent to find my way alone was almost insurmountable. As a friend of Jeff’s, it makes me very happy to see that he, as well as others of your respective children, have had that support. Don’t ever give up, you have no idea how much we really do need you.

My response: I feel humbled when I read this young woman’s words: Don’t ever give up, you have no idea how much we really do need you. When Jeff was in active addiction, there were many times I wanted to walk away because I was filled with anger, hurt and deep grief. I’m grateful that I learned the concept Stay Close.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my loved ones. I know that I can’t ‘fix’ them or change the situations in their lives, but I can stand by them with my emotional support and assure them that I will never quit believing.

A dad wrote to me:

Honesty, for me, means facing reality.  I, like you, took great pride in being the very best parent I could be. When, drug abuse raised its terrible, ugly and disgusting head, my immediate reaction was to hide, avoid and dismiss the fact that this could happen to our family. I went through phases: First shock, then despair, followed by embarrassment. I asked myself, “How could this happen to my family?” I thought addiction could only happen in dysfunctional families, not mine. My marriage, like yours, ended in divorce and this added to my self-blame. Keep in mind, the whole time I was doing my very best, I still took the blame. Finally, honesty arrived and I began to start living again. Honesty began the process of healing my family.  It was just so painful getting to honesty.

My thought: This dad arrived at a place of healing by embracing honesty and facing reality. Dr. MacAfee says, “When people meet on the common ground of truth, difficult though it is, healing happens.” The Big Book of AA says, “Sobriety can only be found in rigorous honesty.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Facing reality can be excruciating, but I’ll try. It’s the only path that leads to healing. I won’t blame myself or anyone else. Even the ugliest of situations are made better with honesty and faith.

Jeremy asked me (May, 2009):

I admitted, “I don’t know, Jer. It’s not my story to end.”

His answer was clear, “But that’s the point. We don’t know what will happen to Jeff, but no one can ever take away our hope. You have to end the story in hope.”

And we did.

My reaction today: Jeremy was wise. In the midst of Jeff’s fight against his addiction, Jeremy, the younger brother, knew that we could never give up hope. He held tightly to this even when my resolve faltered. Jeremy helped me to be strong.

Today’s Promise to consider: Jeff is healthy today and our family is deeply grateful. We are humble as we continue to learn and grow each day. Jeremy taught me that hope is a powerful source of strength.

Dr. MacAfee wrote to me:

My reaction to the above: The Big Book of AA says that sobriety can be found only through rigorous honesty. This was hard for both Jeff and me. Jeff had to be honest with himself about his addiction, and I had to be honest with myself about the mistakes I made. I also had to find courage not only to talk with Jeff about all that happened, but courage to listen and the compassion to understand.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will have the courage to find the common ground of truth. I will work with those I love to have the tough discussions required to heal. Difficult as it is, I will wade into the rough waters of discord in order to get to the other side where healing and understanding can take place. I will try.