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Archive for November, 2016

GRATITUDE: A DAILY ROUTINE

dsc01008A mother wrote to me: When I awake every morning and go to sleep every night I feel God’s presence in my life and the life of my child. He is good today, but I know it’s one day at a time. Dealing with addiction takes courage and humility and gratitude. Courage to stay close and to love our child, humility to remember that the addiction is strong and can come back at any time, especially when we least expect it, and gratitude for our daily blessings.

My reflection: Gratitude is powerful, but gratitude is tough to muster when things are at their worst. When my son was in active addiction, the only thing buoying my deep despair was gratitude that my son was still alive. My prayer each morning was, “Dear Lord, thank you for keeping him alive today.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Gratitude, for me, is part of a daily routine where I actively scan my life and call forward the various things, big and small, for which I’m thankful. This practice keeps me aware that, even though things are difficult, I’m still blessed. Prayer and gratitude keep me in a positive space.


CHOICES: FOR ALL OF US

DSC01595.JPGFrom a recovering alcoholic: Stagli vicino, stay close, is I think very Italian or perhaps even Mediterranean, certainly not British. Whether a person stays close or not is really the choice of the person who wants to help the suffering addict. I know that there is nothing I can do to stop another person drinking or using unless he wants to quit. It is really as simple as that.

My reflection: It really is as simple as that. We cannot make our child quit using. Change must come from the person. When I had breast cancer, I had to choose to fight. The doctors offered their advice for the best course of treatment, but it was my decision to stay positive and committed to my wellbeing. Our children must choose recovery, and they must choose every day, just as we must choose to give them the space to reach that decision.

Today’s Promise to consider: With every cell of my body, I want to force my child to stop using drugs and alcohol. I want to demand it, command it and make sure it happens. But I can’t. I can only make choices for myself. I will stay close and pray he chooses sobriety, today and everyday, one day at a time.


ADDICTION AND THE FAMILY’S SECURITY

jeff-bedroomAn Italian friend wrote to me: This disease of addiction does awful things to a family. I love my brother, but our situation is a mess, and I flip between gratitude that he is still alive and anger for all the chaos that continues. For our family, it inhibits our ability to plan for the future as we pay for medical treatments and try to build new relationships. Addiction even stifles dreams and personal ambitions because we decide, more or less consciously, that our priority is the healing of addicted loved ones.

My reflection: The family often gets mired in the addiction to the point where nothing else matters. I remember when Jeff was in his last treatment center where there was a young man, about 20 years of age, who had a sports scholarship to college. His dad was a Chemistry teacher and his mom taught third grade. They had taken a second mortgage on their home in order to afford the rehab center. Jeff later told me that when the young man returned to college, he relapsed.

Today’s Promise to consider: It’s easy for families to drown in the tidal waves of addiction. We parents must be vigilant so we don’t fall into this abyss and jeopardize the security of our family. Other members need us. It’s imperative that we learn how to stay close, without compromising our future.


MACAFEES’S WORDS OF WISDOM: You Get What You Tolerate

img_3932This is part of a series of monthly posts that reference many conversations with Dr. MacAfee. Thanks, Doc. 

A friend, who also loved Dr. MacAfee, and I remember when he told us both that you get what you tolerate. She and I both respected Dr. MacAfee’s years of wisdom in working with addicts and, at different times, both of us had been the recipients of our sons’ disruptive behavior, lies, manipulations or deep hurts. Dr. Mac told us to stay close, but not to allow ourselves to be abused. “Whatever behavior you tolerate,” he counseled, “will continue.”

My reflection: As my son’s addiction took over his life, his lies, manipulation and downright bad behavior became more pervasive. With every low, I thought, “This is his bottom,” and I rushed in to save him from the consequences of his actions. The more chaos I allowed myself to be subjected to, the worse things got. 

Today’s Promise to consider: We parents of addicts are known to sacrifice our own well being as we tolerate the intolerable. Firm boundaries are imperative for both our loved ones and ourselves. The consequences of the addict’s behavior must be his to bear. We reach out in love and stay close, but we must keep ourselves safe.

 


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