“SHE THINKS I’M REAL”

In their book Stories of the Spirit, Jack Kornfield and Christina Feldman tell this story: A family went out to a restaurant for dinner. When the waitress arrived, the parents gave their orders. Immediately, their five-year-old daughter piped up with her own, “I’ll have a hot dog, french fries and a Coke.” “Oh no you won’t,” interjected the dad, and turning to the waitress he said, “She’ll have meat loaf, mashed potatoes, milk.” Looking at the child with a smile, the waitress said, “So, hon, what do you want on that hot dog?” When she left, the family sat stunned and silent. A few moments later the little girl, eyes shining, said, “She thinks I’m real.”

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, there were few people who realized or understood my pain. In truth, I was closed and defensive during those years, and I didn’t want anyone to see my ‘real’ suffering.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is cloaked in silence and shame – feelings that isolate us. The antidote is to reach out a hand to others. In Al-Anon, I found a safe place to be honest about my feelings, to share hard stories about my loved one, and to talk about my sadness and hurt. There, in the halls, I wasn’t alone. I felt real.

WHEN WILL HE CHANGE HIS LIFE?

Photo Credit: Davood Madadpoor

A mom wrote to me: My son is addicted to drugs. After four years of enabling and one forced rehab, my son made the choice between living with us or dealing and using weed on a constant basis. He no longer lives with us at age 18. He dropped out of high school, refuses to hold a legal job and has constantly betrayed us with lies, verbal abuse and stealing. Our only offer of help is 90 days in a residential treatment center when he is ready to change his life.

My reflection: When my son was 18, I made him leave the house because of his drug use. He wrote, “The party was in full swing. At eighteen, life was fresh and raucous and racing, and besides some minor arrests and fistfights, serous consequences were rare.” He didn’t choose recovery until many years later.

Today’s Promise: We all have choices to make, and most arrive in their own time. It’s excruciating to watch our children destroy their lives, but until they surrender to their addiction and reach a genuine hand out for help, there is no real change. The best I can do is to stay close to my son and enforce my own boundaries.

“IT IS A LIFE THING, THIS RECOVERY”

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A mom, who is also a recovering addict, wrote to me: I was that teenage girl who did horrible things and stole from my parents. I got sober, finally, and my life got much, much better. I married and have two wonderful girls. Life was awesome. Then I had surgery, and guess what??? I got back on that roller coaster of lies, addiction, and betrayals simply from taking pain pills post-op. It is a life thing, this recovery. I was fortunate; I made it back before I lost everything.

My reflection: Fear drove me as a parent. When my son was in active addiction, I feared he would die, and when he was in recovery, I feared he would relapse. Addiction does crazy things to us.

Today’s Promise to consider: Recovery is life’s work for the addict. My son once told me that addiction is like a lion in a cage just waiting to get out. Our recovering loved ones must choose everyday to live in abstinence and to do the things recovery requires of them. I pray that all recovering addicts choose well, today.

 

 

THE PRISON OF FEAR

Photo Credit: Davood Madadpoor

Rumi, a 13th century poet, was quoted by Tara Brach at the end of her guided meditation:

Why do you stay in prison

when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.

My reflection: I lived in the prison of fear for many years. Fourteen years with my son’s addiction, but there were other years where I feared my parent’s wrath, my family’s disintegration, and the loss of my own health to cancer.

Today’s Promise to consider: Sometimes fear can be healthy because it signals oncoming danger, but it often can be crippling and suffocating. Addiction feeds on this dread. “What if my child dies?” “What if my child is sleeping on the streets in the freezing weather?” Fear is normal, but it amplifies itself and grows bigger and bigger. Today, I’ll face my fears, call them by name, and cultivate constructive ways of dealing with them.

“TEMPTATION IS A BITCH”

Photo Credit: Davood Madadpoor

Flea, bassist for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, wrote in Time Magazine: Temptation is a bitch. All my life, I’ve gone through periods of horrific anxiety…that squeezes my brain in an icy grip…a bottomless pit of fear. Ouch. Man, drugs fixed all that in a flash. Once you’ve opened the door to drug use, it’s always there, seducing you. Perfectly sane people become addicted and end up dead.

My reflection: Drug overdoses kill more than 64,000 people each year and are now the leading cause of death for Americans under 50. The latest research from the Center for Disease Control estimates that overdoses will increase by 30% in 2017. These dire statistics point to the high price of succumbing to temptation for addicts.

Today’s Promise to consider: Temptation is everywhere – whether it’s sweets, extra sleep, shopping, or narcotics. Recovering addicts have worked hard to distance themselves from the deadly seduction of drugs. Today, I’ll reach out my hand with compassion to all those who are fighting the ravaging temptation of drugs in order to survive another day.

 

ADDICTS HELPING ADDICTS: “IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT”

Photo Credit: Davood Madadpoor

A recovering addict told me, In AA or in a recovering community, I was surrounded by people who had gone through what I had gone through. I trusted them. I don’t think doctors or psychologists ever helped me in the same way. Sure, experts have a place in recovery, but for me it was AA and the recovering community that made the biggest difference. I needed to hear from people who had been through it themselves. I needed to hear how they learned to live with their families and in society again. Trust is the first step to opening up, and I trusted those in community.

My reflection: I would have sold my soul if I could have helped my son when he was in active addiction. I dragged him from psychologist to psychiatrist to priest with the hope that someone could stem the tide of his use. Maybe some of these experts helped, but it wasn’t until my son met other recovering addicts that he made the decision to change his life.

Today’s Promise to considerPeople in pain respond best to others who have walked in their shoes – this is especially true for addicts. The overwhelming obsession that drugs incite is something non-addicts most often aren’t able to comprehend. Those of us who love them can ‘stay close’ with compassion, but real help often comes from within their community. Today, I’ll encourage my loved one to reach out for help in AA or another support group.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD

My seven-year-old granddaughter and I were traveling together and I said, “Iysa, I’m feeling stressful about all that I have to do for the holidays when we get back home.” “Don’t worry, Nonna,” she replied as she sat next to me in the waiting area of the Amtrak station, “Let’s meditate.” With this, she crossed her legs, put her hands on her knees, closed her eyes, and became quiet and still. As I watched her, I was struck by her ability to go inside herself and find peace, right in the middle of the busy train station.

My reflection: With all the stress the holidays can bring added to the chaos addiction adds, this time of year often feels overwhelming. Iysa reminded me of the value in developing a “refuge” – someplace we quickly go that gives us a sense of wellbeing. Hers is meditation and breathing.

Today’s Promise to consider: Stress can be debilitating, but we each have the power and responsibility to find our way to serenity. Some of us meditate, while others might run, write, exercise or cook. Whatever we choose, it’s critical that we make these activities a priority during busy periods. As we approach the New Year, let’s make the choice to do something constructive to help ourselves find peace.

“I DON’T WANT TO BREATHE MY FEAR INTO YOU”

Photo Credit: Davood Madadpoor

I talked with a dear friend, whose son is a recovering heroin addict, and I was moved by her words to her son. “I believe in you,” she told him, “Sure I’m afraid of what the future holds for you and our family, but I don’t want to breathe my fear into you. I want to give you hope.”

My reflection: There is a song lyric that I memorized years ago, “Fear can be catching worse than a cold.” Research indicates that emotions are ‘contagious,’ and that negative emotions transfer most easily. When my son was in active addiction, I’m sure he saw tension in my eyes more often than he saw peace or love.

Today’s Promise to consider: Our children can’t carry our anxieties, as well as their own. In early recovery, they face countless fears daily – how to get a job, how to pay rent, and how to go the next day without drugs. The last thing they need is to look in our eyes and see doubt. Today, I’ll not worry about tomorrow. I’ll pray, meditate, and find my serenity. Today, I’ll breathe hope into my son.

HOW SCIENCE IS UNLOCKING THE SECRETS OF ADDICTION

 

The National Geographic Magazine, September, 2017, reports: “Scientists are challenging the view that addiction is a moral failing and researching treatments that could offer an exit from the cycle of desire, bingeing, and withdrawal that traps tens of millions of people. Addiction hijacks the brain’s neural pathways. By analyzing brain scans of recovering cocaine addicts, clinical neuroscientist Anna Rose Childress, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, studies how subliminal drug cues excite the brain’s reward system and contribute to relapse.”

Written by Fran Smith, source: National Geographic

My reflection: No one knows whether the risk of becoming addicted is due to genetics, trauma, stress, or other factors, but science continues to support the fact that addiction is a disease, not a moral failing. They are discovering how addiction changes the brain’s chemistry and how it must be retrained for long-term sobriety to take shape.

Today’s Promise to consider: Brain chemistry is altered with addiction – this has been proven by research. Addict’s brains are highjacked by the cycle of desire that drugs and alcohol create. With increased understanding, doctors are experimenting with ways of regaining chemical balance by using electromagnetic waves, medication, psychotherapy, support groups, even mindfulness training. The answer is not incarceration, but treatment.

 

IT’S EASY TO JUDGE

Two days ago, I saw this painting by Alessandro Allori (circa 1577), and I was struck by the theme of judgment, with a history dating back to John 8:7. This post isn’t about religion. What it is about are the words, He that is without sin among you, let him cast a first stone at her. As I examined the painting, both the contrite face of the adulteress and the look of tenderness in Christ’s eyes moved me. I wondered if it is human nature that we so easily sit in judgment of others? Is it human nature for those who are healthy to marginalize those who are not? Is it human nature for those who have never suffered from an addiction to condemn those who have?

My reflection: Before my son endured a 14-year addiction, I’m sure that I, too, judged others dealing with addiction. We need to use our judgment to make good choices, of course, but we also need to fortify ourselves with education, an understanding of issues unfamiliar to us, a strong moral compass, and solid principles.

Today’s Promise to consider: We know the negative words used to describe addicts. However, for those of us who love someone battling this disease, we also know the courage it takes for them to change their lives. We see the physical pain they endure to put down the drug that takes away their pain. We know their hearts are good because they are our sons, our daughters, our husbands and wives. They are our loves.