A mother wrote to me: I am working on the “loving with detachment” issue. I spend hours each day trying to look at where I went wrong as a parent or what I should have done differently. I’ve been to Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and private counseling, but the pain is always there. The best advice I ever received was from my pastor/counselor who told me to, “Keep on telling her you love her and mean it, because you’ll never regret those words.”
My reflection: There is a Tibetan expression, “Even if the rope breaks nine times, we must splice it back together a tenth time. Even if ultimately we do fail, at least there will be no feelings of regret.”
Today’s Promise to consider: When my addicted love one is unlovable and certainly when he is at his worst, I will continue to tell him that I love him. I can’t fight his battles and I can’t change his life, but I can and will love the man who is under the drugs.
I always tell my son I love him. He knows I may not always like his choices, but he always knows I love him. Hoping he makes it through this journey.
I always tell my son ” remember I always love you, and “make today the best possible safe day for yourself”.
I love the Tibetan expression.
Throughout the years of my daughters addiction I was told by many to be harsh, write her off, forget about her until she is ready to apologize for her behavior. Advice given freely by those who truly don’t understand what is happening.
Setting boundaries is important but I was never able to cut the emotional ties mostly because I knew I would have to live with the regret of that decision if something had happened to her.
I believe that love, compassion and respect are so important for recovery
and I believe that no matter what happens as long as my daughter knows I love her I have done the best I can.
Here’s how my, “I love you’s” went;
Me: We love you son and will be here for you when you are ready for recovery.
Son: You love me? What kind of parents would leave their child in this hell hole (jail)? The food is poison and my cell mate is gay and has told me he will rape me. You are going to just leave me here to die? If you loved me you would get me out of here! Click!
Years and years went by and our son eventually found recovery. One evening at dinner he told us this, you and mom never gave up on me, you would always tell me you loved me and I want you to know that gave me hope. I love you both so much. Thank you.
I believe it is that hope we instilled in him that eventually ignited his desire for long term recovery.
Prayers for each of your children.
I will ALWAYS love my addict and I tell him all the time. It is sad when he is active he fights it and sometimes he makes it hard for me, but he is mine and deep down I will NEVER NOT LOVE HIM, I just might not like his sometimes.