From my son, I learned: that relapse happens. It happened often with Jeff. There are countless examples of recovering addicts like Philip Seymour Hoffman, who stay clean for years, relapse, and die. Drugs are powerful and addiction never rests. It bides its time and waits for the right moment to pounce.
My reflection: Through a dozen of my son’s relapses, I suffered. I wondered what I was doing wrong, and what I could/should be doing differently. Every relapse was a red, flashing light that blinded me with a sense of failure. It took me years to understand.
Today’s Promise to consider: Relapse is a gut-punch, instantly dashing hopes and optimism. But the reality is that relapse happens. Each time it did for Jeff, I felt guilt, anger, and betrayal…until one day Dr. MacAfee told me, “Relapse isn’t failure. It’s one step closer to recovery.” I still hold that thinking close in my work with addiction. It buoys me when I hear about recovering people losing their footing. It helps me keep hope alive.
I really needed this reminder TODAY! Yesterday was a terrible day, my emotions, my thoughts, nothing but negative. The tears just wouldn’t stop. I guess it’s okay to have a day like that, but it’s now a new day. I’ve heard tears are cleansing. I am feeling cleansed. It’s time to put one foot in front of the other. It’s time to keep looking up, trusting God! That is where my help and hope comes from, I need to stop looking at persons, places, and things for the contentment, joy and peace I desire. I must come to terms with loving an addict and what that looks like for me. Relapse is a reality – “Relapse isn’t failure. It’s one step closer to recovery.” I appreciate that thought. My son is once again in treatment. Hopefully, one step closer to long term recovery. That’s my expectation, I want long term! Expectations trip me up every time! Can I learn to stay in the moment, cherishing today? I should be thankful, grateful, hopeful, but it’s hard to muster after the countless opportunities he’s had to receive treatment and stick with it. Apparently, I still ask the questions “why” and “how long”, “what will it take”? Have i relapsed as well? Some say yes! I must take care of myself. Also a challenge at times but if I expect it of my son, I need to expect it from myself. I’ve been looking for hope and God is giving it to me, through the nudges of others! Thank you Libby!!
Dear Tina,
I understand and had all of those same emotions and questions of ‘why,’ ‘how long,’ and ‘when.’ I wept through most days, wasn’t present, was grateful for nothing, and couldn’t understand how addiction even entered our home. You’re right about expectations. In AA, there is a saying that expectations are premeditated resentments. The more I expected, the harder I fell. in the end, I gave up all expectations and surrendered. Then, with acceptance and prayer, things turned around for me and for my son. The healthier I got, somehow the healthier he got.
Stay strong. We’ll stay close in prayer and hope.
L
Staying close, makes my life and thoughts tolerable. And I see how much it means to my son. I see him so differently than I use to. Thank you Libby. My husband and I have spent 22 years fighting this dark decease, with both our younger children. Our daughter, 36 yrs old, has now been clean for 4 yrs. Our son still struggles daily, he is 34. Sometimes I’m just so tired, I can’t think straight. But I am always optimistic
Dear Carol,
I understand. Stay Close made sense to me, too, and gave me a kind-of road map for dealing with my son’s addiction. I was worn out and worn thin. “Detach with love” confused me, while Stay Close, but out of the chaos – stay close, but don’t give him money — that I could do.
God bless your daughter who is now 4 years clean. This is huge, and it takes courage.
Addiction suffocates us…and WANTS to suffocate us. Stay strong. I join you in hope and prayer.
L