ADDICTION HARMS: HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE

A mom wrote to me: Sometimes, during this nineteen-year journey with my son, it is difficult to see the bridges he continues to burn and how “Hurt People Hurt People.” I will always show him love . . .the one consistency.

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, he was forever in pursuit of the next high and in need of the comfort that drugs provided. He was in addiction’s grasp, and he had no ability to think about the hurt that he caused his family, or himself.

Today’s Promise to consider: Suffering people in the clutches of addiction hurt others as a result of their own inner turmoil, distress, and drug use. Today, I will do my best to respond to my child’s pain with compassion and love. If I must keep my distance, I will, but I won’t reply with anger or disgust. As the Dalia Lama said, “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

 

LOVE IS THE WAY TO BEAT DOWN ADDICTION

A mom wrote to me: Love is the way to wear down the demon of addiction. Not fear. You will never regret your loving response in the face of the chaos of addiction. Miracles happen. Souls do come back from the darkness.

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, I lived in constant fear: fear of the phone call in the middle of night, fear of another arrest, and fear of death. Fear was a constant companion. 

Today’s Promise to consider: Love might not change the course of addiction, but it opens the space for us to confront addiction with greater equilibrium, faith, and hope. Today, I’ll put fear aside and bring compassion forward because, if the worst happens, I will never regret responding with love.

TWO SIDES OF ADDICTION: MOTHER AND SON

Not many people know that my son helps me with every post about addiction. I want to acknowledge his contributions over these many years.

Dr. MacAfee told me that, as a parent, I can speak about addiction, but that Jeff speaks from addiction. The difference is huge.

As a mom, I know only my walk, my suffering, and my desperate attempts to save my son during his fourteen-year journey. I learned that, for us, STAY CLOSE made all the difference.

Jeff knows his walk and how he found recovery. Only he knows his suffering. Only he knows his desperation. Only he knows what it feels like to live on the streets, be locked up in jails, and to lose all sense of dignity and hope.

Thanks, Jeff, for your help, support, compassion, and care all these years. Thanks for reaching out a hand to help others. Thanks for your service.

My son and I walk together today, but only he and his Higher Power found recovery.

To all recovering addicts, we need your voice in order to understand addiction. You inspire us.

CRACKS LET THE LIGHT IN

Leonard Cohen wrote:

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in.

My reflection: With addiction, perfect offerings are few, but in the imperfections we can find gold. The light that shines through the cracks can help our loved ones rise out of the ashes of pain and suffering to become different people – stronger, honest, spiritual, and self aware.

Today’s Promise to consider: Our lives have cracks, especially those who have suffered addiction, but it is through the cracks that the softest light gets in. Resurrection happens in that light. Learning happens in that light. Confrontation happens in that light. And healing happens in that light. Let us ring the bell for the light of recovery.

 

 

 

BE SENSITIVE TO WHAT WE SAY

A friend of mine wrote: With addiction, we need to be cautious not to malign the reputation of our loved one by confessing their troubles, even when they cause us trouble. Although their behavior may sometimes be unacceptable, I recognize that they’re deep in the clutches of their disease.

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, I operated from a space of hurt, confusion, and anger. In that anger, I often said things that maligned his character and cut deep wounds. My friend’s words flooded me with memories, many I wish I could erase.

Today’s Promise to consider: These wise words hit me hard. How many times I didn’t protect my son with my speech. When my anger took hold, nothing good came from it. I’m so sorry, Jeff. Today, I stand tall for my son.

A PRAYER

This is my daily prayer: Dear Lord, Remove the veils so I might see what is really happening and not be intoxicated by my stories and my fears. 

– Written by Elizabeth Lesser, co-founder of Omega Institute, adult education center, focusing on health, wellness, spirituality, and creativity.

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, I was rooted in stories and fears. If I didn’t hear from him, I fell prey to contriving horrendous situations that I could imagine happening. When I did hear from him, I constructed other sequences of foreboding times ahead. Bottom line is that I was never present, and never at peace.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction plunges us into despair as we construct stories in our heads. We fear the worst: jails, hospitals, and death. Today, I’ll work to get out of my head and out of my stories. I’ll pray for my loved one. I’ll pray for her safety and ultimate recovery.

WE ARE NOT ALONE

A daughter of addicted parents wrote to me: I still struggle with the pain of what it’s like to live with and love addicts. I still struggle with issues of anger and despair over all of the ‘what if’s’ and ‘what could have been’s’ that circle around and around in my mind. But it is always cathartic to hear other people’s tales of their battles with this disease – whether they’re the addict or love someone who is.  It reminds me that I’m not alone.

My reflection: There are millions of us affected by this disease, either directly as addicts or those of us who love them. That’s why groups like AA and Al-Anon work. There, I found friendship and a lifeline. In our stories, I found compassion and support. I found that I was not alone.

Today’s Promise to consider: It’s easy to isolate and sink into deep suffering when facing addiction. It took me years before I finally sought help in Al-Anon. My ego got in the way. I didn’t want people to know about my family’s problem, and I didn’t want to break my silence. Today, I will accept the help of others. In return, I will reach out my hand to help. No one has to be alone.

 

“I LEARNED TO LET GO WITH LOVE”

A mother wrote to me: I bailed him out and fixed it all. I finally went to Families Anonymous and Nar-Anon and realized I didn’t cause the addiction and I can’t change it – only my son can do that and, by enabling so much, I was doing him more harm than good. 

He was arrested again and remained in jail for three weeks, no one to bail him out. He worked on his own with a public defender to get accepted into drug court in lieu of jail. He now goes to meetings, is drug tested, and meets with the judge. I learned that I needed to let go with love.

My reflection: I have spoken with many young people all over the world and they have told me, “It’s not my parent’s fault. Drugs are powerful, more powerful than you can imagine. I needed to make the choice to stop. When the consequences of my addiction got to be more than I could handle, I made the decision for myself.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will never quit believing in my loved one who is suffering, but I need to get out of the way and allow her to come to sobriety on her terms. When she’s ready for recovery, I will help. Otherwise, I’ll stay close and wait for her to make the decision of health – not for me, but for herself.

 

 

A STEP TOWARD RECOVERY

Our beloved Dr. MacAfee said: For the addict, an opening to recovery appears when the pain of maintaining the fiction becomes greater than the pleasure the drugs provide.

My reflection: The Big Book calls this moment, “The Gift of Desperation.” When my son was in active addiction, I thought that I could gauge when these breaks occurred in his life, when the pain had reached critical junctures, and when he would be open to professional help. I never could.

Today’s Promise to consider: Dr. MacAfee’s words proved true with my son, who told me that he chose sobriety when the consequences of his addiction outweighed the solace he got from drugs. For Jeff, his fourteen-year addiction took him to the crossroads of continuing drugs or dying. I thank God every day that he chose recovery, and I pray for all those who continue to suffer.

THE STORY OF THE GOOD WOLF, BAD WOLF – WHICH DO YOU FEED?

At a spiritual retreat, I heard this story: An old man told his grandson, “My son, there is an endless battle that goes on inside all of us. It is between two wolves. One wolf is bad – he is anger, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, resentment, lies, superiority and ego. The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old man answered, “The one you feed.”

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, the bad wolf inside me grew. I fed him heaping helpings of anger, sadness, regrets, and resentments. Addiction makes it easy for us to stoke the worst parts of ourselves.

Today’s Promise to consider: Negative feelings help the bad wolf to grow fat and mock us with his defiance and rage. It took me fourteen years at addiction’s feet to learn that only through kindness, prayer, and love could I fortify myself and allow the good wolf to become strong.