A mother wrote to me: My first-born son is an addict. He is 24, beautiful, smart, and the love of my life. He just received 60 days in jail and to be honest I am thrilled and relieved – at least he’ll be safe and sober for 60 days. Everyone tells me that I should give up on him, turn my back on him, and cut him out of my life. How does a mother do that? I love him unconditionally. My friends think that I am insane, crazy, but he is my son.
My reflection: I tried to cut my addicted son out of my life, but it never worked. I told him to forget the address, but when he called, my resolve crumbled and all I could do was pray that this phone call would be the one that led to recovery. Love for my son is in my DNA. I couldn’t give up on him.
Today’s Promise to consider: It took me fourteen years to accept that I couldn’t change my son’s destructive behavior. In time, I learned how to stay close and continue to love him, while I disengaged from the chaos of his addiction. When he chose to fight for his sobriety, I stepped forward.
Never give up on your son. Never leave him. I didn’t although everyone told me to. My son lost his battle, but I am grateful for every day I stood next to him in his fight. Don’t listen to people who have no idea what you’re going through. Hang in there.
Dearest Diane, I’m so sorry that you lost your son. You are suffering the greatest of all pain. My heart is with you. You stood next to your son every day during his fight – God bless you. You gave him your best, and he knew it. My love to you. L
I feel even with the wonderful programs out there like Alanon we all still have individual situations
that work for our situation. As long as you are mentally able to handle them go on. I had to love
my adult daughter from afar. She did know that I loved her dearly. Do what is best for you and your
family. Just felt I needed to share this am.
Dearest Ki Ki, You are SO right — we each need to do what we think is best. Sure, there are experts and there is a lot of wisdom to be found in the halls of Al-Anon and other family groups, but the final decisions have to be ours. There is no blame. My love to you.
It is so hard to walk away. As a mother, I don’t think any of us truly can. I was nodding my head at everything you wrote. We walk away from their drama but never from their lives. Unless someone lives this nightmare, they can offer what they THINK is right, but put in the same boat, I am sure they would be doing what we do. My daughter knows she is loved by us. But she knows that it is senseless to call & ask for anything. We can give her all the advice & tell her what she needs to do, but it is her decision. I will never completely walk away!
Dear Donna, Yes, yes, yes — “We can give her all the advice and tell her what she needs to do, but it is her decision.” It took me many, many years to understand this. I think of the recovering alcoholic at San Patrignano who told me, “Stay close and don’t abandon your son, but don’t give him money for anything.” These words helped me to understand how to walk the walk next to my son, but not for him. My love to you.
I have been told the same thing about my 22 year old son who has been in jail most of the past 4-5 years. He has burned almost every other bridge, and all my family and friends tell me to “forget him”- really?? I am so thankful that I have been unable to do that. So I keep in contact as safely as I can, take breaks when I need to, try my best not to enable his addiction, attend LOTS of alanon and naranon, offer him comfort and connection as I am able. I will never be able to “just forget” him, and I feel thankful that he is able to come to me for emotional connection when he needs it, but also that I can put limits on it for my health. And that’s the difference for me- Limits and Boundaries are much different than cutting someone out for good. Get support for yourself from sources that understand this problem. And just keep going…..
Dear Mary, Thank you so much for your message. Your sentence says it all, “Limits and Boundaries are much different than cutting someone out for good.” It took me many years to learn how to keep boundaries strong, but the learning was essential – for both me and my son. God bless you. I’ll keep your son in my prayers. Please keep my sons in yours. xoxo
People told me to give up, I never did. He passed away last week. My heart is shattered, but I have no regrets. I was there for him and never lost hope
My dearest Karen, I’m deeply sorry for your son’s passing. Your pain is the deepest cut a heart can know. Your heart is shattered.
You stayed by your son until the end. You were there for him and never lost hope. God bless you. My love and prayers, always and forever.
Libby, I absolutely love your Thursday emails. They are so encouraging and solidly to me how mothers of addicts feel. No one underatands that unconditional love but another mother with an addicted child. Thanks again for your encouragement.
Dearest Penny, You and I walked the same walk. Thanks for staying close all these years, and for your love and compassion. My love to you and yours. xo
I just had to tell you I know your pain but there is hope. My son is a drug addict who is clean now for almost 8 years he he says he will always be an addict. He had to kick him out of our house and have him arrested for stealing from us but as hard as that was it is what saved him. He went to a 2 year intense rehab program and learned to live without drugs. I can send you information if you are interested. It is non profit and doesn’t charge but they have to have to have a job in the program and work. It is what saved him. He worked after graduating for them but now is buying his first home and doing well. Never ever give up. We watched him destroy his life and was unable to do anything. A mother never gives up but they dont have to help enable their addiction.
Dear Robin, Thanks for your message of hope. Your son is clean and sober for almost eight years, and this is HUGE. Congrats to him and to you. The two-year rehab is what he needed, and I agree that long-term rehab is critical. Please let us know the name of the rehab that worked for him. We all need good references. God bless you and your family.
Robin
Would love that information on the intense rehab your son was in?
Donna
I’d love to know the name of the rehab program. Thank you!
Dear Shelly, If you are referring to the rehab center mentioned by Robin, I don’t know the name. Maybe she’ll respond at some point. Hope so. Xoxo
I am struggling right now my son is 27
Just spent a few days with him he lives in a different state it was so hard watching his addiction trying to get help but in the end he has to want it he says he does but never follows through I have not answered his calls in 4 days he’s always begging for money shelter … it’s so hard my heart breaks
Dearest Donna, I understand the heartbreak, the trauma, and the deep, deep sadness. I’m sorry.
Jeff and I made a video that might give you some comfort. If you click on the second tab of our website and go halfway down the page to the first video, you’ll find it. Jeff’s words are powerful and will give you insight into his view of his addiction and what led him to recovery.
My love to you. You and your son are in my prayers.