A mother wrote to me: My seventeen year old daughter is a heroin addict. Legal issues placed her in rehab. This one is a 60-day stay as opposed to the previous two that were fourteen to twenty-one days. She has been gone for fifty days and shortly she will come home. I have been to Al-Anon meetings and my husband and I have been to couples counseling. In my heart of hearts, I’m scared. She has manipulated me easily in the past. I am her target and she is my only daughter. Maybe I’m just having weak days. I know there are no magic words to help me.
My reflection on the above passage: I wanted magic words. I wanted someone, anyone, to tell me what to do, how to think and what to say. I was trapped in that place of isolation and silence yet wanting to scream my story from the rooftops hoping that someone would give me a game plan, a sure-fire technique that would save my son and our family. I was scared and I wanted answers.
Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my addicted loved one. I will let her know that she is loved, but I will not give her money to support her addiction. I will keep strong boundaries for myself and pray that she finds her. I can only offer my love.
My daughter, as well, has been in rehab several times for heroin addiction. There is no magic, and advice can be found by listening to yourself and your Higher Power. “Sit Still and Listen” is what I am told. You will know what the answer is. I, too, am minipulated by my only daughter, who is bright eyed and beautiful today – what a joy in my life. In moments of weakness, I Let Go and Let God – doesn’t mean I don’t fear for her well-being – I love her so much, It just means that I cannot control her, so I pray for her.
Dear Chrissy,
Your daughter is a jewel and she is good today. You are so right: we can love our children, but we cannot control them. Wish we could :). Let’s hold hands and keep our children in our prayers. So glad I got a chance to meet you. My love to you.
You are a wonderful person, a guiding light, and an inspiration. When someone shares here – feedback is the gift that we can give each other. This could be the very place someone reaches out to for help, and finds hope,. which is where it starts. Thank you for what you are doing.
She is good today.
Our Love to you,
Chrissy and Danii
My love to you and Danii!!
Hi Libby,
The pictures of Jeff, as a young boy, remind me that my son is something bigger, brighter and soulful than what this disease has ‘morphed him’ into. The ONLY magic I have experienced is in the Alanon fellowship. Alanon is my lifeline and the program works if you work it. It has truly helped me focus on what areas I can control and indeed, it is NOT the addict, my precious son.
Chrissy, we are all in this together.
I will keep your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Nanci
hi Libby,
Magic words, how I wish there were some for us all. So many times, I hoped the words I said would work magic. Finally, I see as well that my kids have to work through these issues themselves, and I cannot control the disease.
How I wanted a miracle to come and change everything; to take us all out of the nightmare that was our lives over the course of many years of living with my son’s active addiction. I was losing him to his demons and I was powerless for the first time in my life. I always felt so secure in my mother role, and then my world was turned upside down and I was without a plan that could work. Hopeless and filled with pain and despair until slowly but surely with lots of work with Al Anon and consistent attendance at meetings and doing my readings I began to accept. I got better the more I followed my program. It’s far from perfect but he is currently sober about 5 months now. He is living home, working and stable for today. I am stronger thanks to Al Anon, and God, and lots of support from therapy too. I understand the feelings of fear and being scared. I sometimes don’t trust myself to do the right thing by my son too. I try to use the slogan THINK before I make a decision and that helps me not react. I also ask myself, “Who owns this problem?” It certainly is hard to be a parent of an addict or alcoholic. I wish I could have chosen the disease.
Be well and my thoughts are with all the family members who have this in their lives.
With love,
Jane
Magic and miracles. I wanted them, too. Like Jane, I found it almost impossible to believe that I couldn’t control things and that I was powerless. What a humbling disease. The feelings of despair worsened when I finally accepted that I could not save my son, my family or myself, and that I had to get out of the way and pray that Jeff made the decision to get well and to fight. Somehow hope never died and I’m grateful.
My love and respect to you all.
Libby