A CONVERSATION WITH LIBBY CATALDI, AUTHOR OF STAY CLOSE: A MOTHER’S STORY OF HER SON’S ADDICTION

As the head of a private school, you must have been making sure your students and their parents were educated about drugs and alcohol. How did you miss the “red flags” or warning signs about your own son, Jeff? Were you in denial?

Yes, I was in denial. I lived in disbelief, and this is very common among those of us who love addicts. Addiction is based in shame, silence, secrets, and stigma. Denial comes easily. You want to believe that your child is OK. We don’t want to distrust the people we love. We want to protect the child, the siblings, and family. I didn’t know because I chose to believe that this was a passing thing and that all would be well. But once Jeff fell in love with drugs, the addiction had a life of its own.

When I returned to denial, he returned to drugs. Our family lived in a lie, in the deception, and in the split screen of the addiction.

You describe Jeff as a “functioning addict.” What is a functioning addict and how long was Jeff able to live this double life?

Jeff was a very competent addict, and he had many real accomplishments. He got jobs, promotions, graduated from Boston University with a Bachelor’s Degree, won internships and was elected by his peers as captain of sports teams. He covered up well with his employers, his friends, and me. Addicts want to be seen as they portray themselves. It is part of the illness; they live in a truly delusional world.

The road through rehab was very long and rocky (and expensive) as you recount the many attempts to find the right facility for Jeff. What advice do you have for families looking for help and how can this process be improved?

I knew I had to do something, but I didn’t know what to do. Each relapse became more deadly and the light and energy that was Jeff was being extinguished. I’m not sure recovery is about the right facility as much as it is about the right timing. Jeff was in and out of good (maybe great) facilities and I am sure the professionals there wanted to help him in every way possible. However, he wasn’t ready. This is the contradiction. Jeff went into recovery centers for me and for others or to get what he wanted, i.e. back to college. He had to spiral further into the depth of his addiction and realize the enormity of his problem before he could choose for himself. He was losing his soul, but he had to see that in his own time.

I encourage parents and those of us who love addicts to attend Al-Anon meetings and to read their literature and the work of such specialists as Dr. Kevin McCauley, Dr. Stephanie Brown and Dr. Terry Gorski.

We need to look at the rehab model in the U.S., where thirty-day programs abound. These programs never worked for Jeff – he needed more time. In Italy, where the recovery rates have been documented to be 78% after three years, the places are called communities (a word that I think is powerful), they are free (to the client and to the taxpayers), and require a three to five year commitment. When I offered this opportunity to Jeff, he thought I was crazy, “Three to five years – I can’t stay that long.” In the U.S. we have a “fast-food” mentality about recovery: “Fix my son and fix him yesterday.” Maybe three to five years won’t work here, but one to three years could.

The bottom line is that no one knows the absolute answer to alcoholism and addiction. If they did, cases would be diminishing. As parents we need to inform ourselves, encourage our children into recovery and quit paying for things like car insurance and cell phones. We need to help them into a recovering community and to stay close.

You talk a lot in STAY CLOSE about “enabling” Jeff when you thought you were helping him. How common is this for families with addicts and how can it be avoided?

There is a saying that Jeff told me a long time ago, but I didn’t understand it for years: “Never deny an addict his pain.” I rescued him time and time again, and during this time, I hurt him and hurt us. After more than fourteen years, I learned how to stagli vicino – stay close – and give him love, compassion and support, without enabling. I always answered his calls and emails, but I stopped giving him money. I became implacable.

Like any mother, you blame yourself for so much of what happened. How do you cope with those difficult feelings of guilt?

It’s not easy. I still feel great sadness that I missed the red flags and for so long. Al-Anon says, “You didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it, but you can contribute to it.” I didn’t help Jeff by hanging on his cross and I didn’t help my family or myself. He needed to feel the weight of the consequences of his addiction and I had to get out of the way.

STAY CLOSE is so honest and emotional – and has an urgent message for the many families affected by addiction. Why did you decide to tell your family’s story and what do you hope others will learn from it?

Maybe our story will help even one family. If it does, sharing our pain was worth the effort and the risk. Our family made many mistakes, but in the telling of our stories, we all learn. There is a saying in AA, “In order to keep it, you have to give it away.” Our book is an effort to share our hope, experience, and strength.

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, 10% of the population is addicted, one in four children under the age of eighteen live with an addicted parent, and for every addict four others are directly affected. Clearly, there are a lot of people out there dealing with addiction and in desperate need of support and help. But families can learn from each other. That’s why groups like AA and Al-Anon work so well.

Addiction is based in silence – don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust, don’t think, don’t question. Addiction can only exist in the lie – if the addict keeps the lie, he keeps the addiction. Addiction does its best work in the shadows. This book is an effort to bring it out of the shadows so that dialogue and education might happen.

How did Jeff – and your younger son, Jeremy – feel about you writing this book?

They helped write it. Jeff was with me every step of the way, answering questions and writing his insertions. Without him and his courage to go forward, this book would not have been written. Jeremy finally broke his silence one year before the book was published and he allowed me to interview him. My sons want to make a difference. Jeff says this is his twelfth step of AA, “Having had a spiritual experience as the result of this course of action, we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Tell us about the perspective Jeff brings to the story in his entries inserted throughout the book?

Jeff brings the truth of what was happening while I was living in delusion and illusion. He gives voice to the split screen that is addiction: what I saw versus what was really happening. Without his voice, half of the story would be missing.

How Jeff is doing now?

Jeff is living in LA and working at a PR agency where he oversees two account teams. He excels in his job; I know this because he’s already had promotions and pay increases. He is content in his work, proud of his contributions, and puts in long hours. He volunteers at a homeless youth shelter and needle-exchange and is taking graduate courses at local universities.

And how about you? How have you found peace and a way to go forward with your life as you continue to “stay close” to Jeff?

I have finally understood that I can never understand. Addiction is more powerful than I ever imagined anything to be. I understand today that I have no control and that this is Jeff’s fight, every day. I need to support him in this illness because it’s not going away. I need to be steadfast and listen and trust. I live in a space of gratitude. My son is back with me, with our family, and I know that we’re one of the lucky ones. Now, we’ll try to help others.