A LITTLE PIECE DIES

jeff_italy_09_smallA mother wrote to me: Tonight we had our son arrested under the mental health act because we were so concerned with his safety. He broke down and said that he wished he could die. We didn’t know if this was drunk/drug talk or if this was a cry for help, but I knew we had to take this seriously. This was the hardest and most painful thing I have had to do in my life. We had the police come to our home and handcuff him and take him to the hospital’s psychiatric unit. When you watch the police take your own son away in handcuffs because you called them, a little piece of you dies.

My reflection: Addiction is a monster and it changes our children into people we don’t recognize. It wreaks havoc in our lives and twists our love into unimaginable shapes. We don’t know what to do in the face of addiction, but we try our best. We do what our hearts tell us to do. Are we right or wrong? I’m not sure there are answers to some questions.

Today’s Promise: Every minute of every day, addiction kills little pieces of our families. Today, I admit that I am powerless to change my loved one, but I am not powerless to change myself. I will search for my strength and I will find my balance. I will pick up my cross and carry it.

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April
April
7 years ago

My husband and I had to do the exact same thing Friday before last! So far it’s been the best decision we ever made my son is now in rehab and doing good.

Brenda Thacker
Brenda Thacker
7 years ago

Intelligently, I KNOW my son is sick with a deadly disease and has been sick for 15 years. My heart continues to hurt for all of those whose lives he touches–especially his girlfriend’s two small daughters. I am powerless over this disease and sometimes, just sometimes, walking away feels like a breath of fresh air. This journey is a difficult one and the road is full of bumps; I’m glad we have each other to share this journey . . . it’s a lonely road when we attempt to travel alone.

Ann R
Ann R
7 years ago

My husband referred to our son as Nivek during his time using…which is his name backwards. I think it’s the perfect metaphor for the active user. Sending prayers your son finds recovery.

Michelle
Michelle
7 years ago

My family went through the the same I cried watching the police out my window. This is such a horrible thing so many are going through at first the shame and embarrassment took over then I realized I was not alone 3 rehabs later things are moving ahead. I sleep now at night I often think of all the what ifs could have should haves I will blame myself as the mom. I realize I can’t fix or save my child they have to want it.

Beryl Singleton Bissell

These posts are blessed events, Libby, capturing the anguish locked within the hearts of so many parents suffering from the frightening changes threatening their child. And always, haunting their every decision is the question: Am I doing the right thing to help my child?

Sue
Sue
7 years ago

I remember clearly the day we had to do this. We are never prepared to see our loved ones in handcuffs.

I have never really known whether I was doing the right thing or not in dealing with this addiction. At first I was stunned (still am sometimes)but as the years go by I have found my gut, instincts, higher power, call it whatever you will, have guided me in a way that I can live with the choices I have made. Right or wrong who knows but right for me. Not to say any of them were easy or not without guilt but a decision I made that I felt was best for all. Sometimes I think that’s all we can hope for.

Belinda
Belinda
7 years ago

You are so brave. You may have saved your sons life. The same thing happened to us with our 20 year old 11/2 years ago after a DUI accident right outside our home. My son also reached rock bottom in front of our eyes. Only then was he able to get help and start the road to recovery that h needed.You and your family are in my thoughts I know what it is like when a piece of our heart dies. May God surround your family with his Grace and Love.

julie
julie
7 years ago

Yes I know that feeling. I had to do the very same thing to ky son because he had stolen 75% of my jewelry. he was taking the cars when we were asleep. he wouldn’t hear anything about getting help and he was over 18. like you, I had no other choice. it was rhe only thing that I could do to try and save my son. it feels like someone knocked the wind out of you. you just feel like your going to vomit. but you will feel better as time goes on, however, I still get teary eyed when I have to talk about it. good luck to you and your family. I wish you only the best.

Margie
Margie
7 years ago
Reply to  julie

Julie, I know that feeling deep down in your gut, where you feel like your world has been pulled out from under you. I wake up in the morning thinking “Is this just a bad dream?” But, it is not, it is our reality. I try and stay close to God and pray for my sons safety,and that someday my son will find peace. Stay strong Julie, one day at a time we can get through this.

Karen
Karen
7 years ago

You did what you had to out of love and concern. Don’t be sorry for making a decision that you did what you knew, in your heart, was the best thing. No one has their best interest at heart more than mom’s. No one! No one lives them more either. If you haven’t done so yet, find a support group that you feel comfortable with. I’ve been going to one for over five years and yes, we need that help and support. I’ve found support and friendships that I never knew I needed or wanted. God bless you, I am sending bus and strength your way!

Karen
Karen
7 years ago

Lol, I’m not sending a bus your way, unless you need one. I’m sending HUGS your way.

Margie
Margie
7 years ago

“We don’t know what to do in the face of addiction, but we try our best. We do what our hearts tell us to do”.
People tell me I am an enabler, It is so hard for me to let my son go. They say “Look at what he has done to you guys, look at the hurt and pain that he has caused”. Those words that I read tonight about trying our best and we do what our hearts tell us to do, touched me. My husband and I are just trying our best and doing what our heart tells us to do. At least today he is clean with 50 days of sobriety. One day at a time I can love him.

Cheryl
Cheryl
7 years ago

I had to drop my son off at a psychiatric facility after he relapsed for probably the 10th time. He had 10 months clean, I don’t get it. I blame myself because he was in Sober Living and doing awesome. After 10 months he asked to come back home to save some money to get his own place. This time around he lost his mind, was threatening suicide, making a scene in front of my home. He wasn’t even home 2 weeks when I started suspecting. He is such a good liar, he convinced me I was paranoid. Well, I found bags and then he gave me the whole low down on how a slip is not a relapse, even printed out articles for me to read. I guess I just so wanted to believe him. Wednesday he told me he needs help or he is afraid he will start robbing us again. I made all the arrangements with two wonderful people I have met on one of my support websites. He never went for the intake, instead tried to wrestle his brother for his car keys. When that didn’t work, he said he was leaving, only to call his brother 1/2 hour later to pick him up. He was so high he couldn’t even talk, hence the scene outside. I was at work, when we got home we shoved him in the car and dropped him off curb side at the psyche ward at a local hospital. He calls the next day and the audacity to say Hi Mom, I’m fine!! Can you bring me blah blah..I brought him nothing and told him until he has at least a year or two under his belt, we will have a phone relationship. It’s just making my husband, son, & myself physically ill.I am teetering with my job of 20 years as a Supervisor for Human Resources in a school district. I can lose my whole pension with just five years left to go. Something had to give and it was almost me. I was an inch from giving up and quitting my job. We can not make it on one income, so the consequences that would have gone along with that decision I was making while living in such unmanageable conditions like a prisoner in my own home would be devastating. This time around it was a three week nightmare and for some reason I just can’t bounce back from it. I feel like impending doom is all around me. I know the deal, I have been to Naranon, I know let go and Let God, but can’t seem to do it this time. I don’t know if I will get through this and come out the same happy go lucky person I always was. I can’t find a positive in anything right now. I would assume with each relapse, it just gets harder and harder. This roller coaster ride has been going on for six and a half years now with some little breaks of 30 day stents in rehab. Then he actually had 10 months and I really thought he had this, sadly I was mistaken.

Jane ciaramella
Jane ciaramella
7 years ago

A little piece of me died each time I called the police too. A little piece of me died with the phone calls saying he was shot, or overdosed. A little piece of me died every holiday season when there was an empty chair at the table. A little piece of me died when I accepted that my dream had to be modified in a big way.
We suffer with this disease of losses. But, we also gain the friendship, love and support in the rooms, on this blog, and in spirit and that helps us heal. Many of us have the blessing of watching our loved ones recover and remain in recovery. Some of us do not have that yet. Many of us are somewhere in between. It is a journey.
We will and can recover. We need the rooms, a program, professional help in some cases, and time. It does not happen quickly.
Addiction puts us in complex, difficult circumstances. Get help to cope and to help find choices for yourself.
Be well
Jane

Ilaria
Ilaria
7 years ago

Mi commuovo ogni volta che leggo ognuno dei vostri commenti,ricordando quello che anche noi, come famiglia,abbiamo vissuto e continuiamo a vivere ogni giorno. Ricordo perfettamente il senso di disperazione ed impotenza che abbiamo provato; ricordo la paura della morte che aleggiava costantemente nella nostra casa; ricordo l’ansia che ci accompagnava a lavoro, in università e perfino quando facevamo la spesa. Eppure in questo mare di ricordi negativi rinvengo nella mia mente anche ricordi positivi: l’abbraccio dato all’improvviso, il bacio caloroso, il ti voglio bene detto dopo un tempo troppo lungo, la richiesta di aiuto e di “non abbandonatemi” arrivata quando sembrava che fosse tutto finito.
In questi anni di lotta, insieme ai miei genitori, contro la dipendenza di mio fratello abbiamo maturato l’idea per cui assodato che un pezzo di noi è morto quando la dipendenza è entrata nelle nostre vite, è pur vero, però, che avremmo dovuto trovare il modo per non soccombere definitivamente. Mi piace pensare all’immagine dell’uccello mitologico Araba Fenice il quale rinasce dalle proprie ceneri. Pertanto abbiamo capito che avremmo dovuto trovare la forza per non abbatterci, avremmo dovuto rimanere uniti e limitare, seppur con difficoltà, recriminazioni, rimpianti e rabbia. Avremmo dovuto non perdere la speranza, non smettere di sperare e di pregare che qualcosa di diverso potesse accadere.
Volevo solo rivolgere ad ognuna delle nostre famiglie l’augurio di affrontare ogni momento della dipendenza dei nostri parenti con la serenità di chi sa che prima o poi potrà esserci, per noi e per loro, una rinascita, una nuova vita. Un abbraccio a tutti!!!