A son of alcoholic parents wrote to me: My parents struggled with alcoholism for most of their adult lives. Alcohol was a curse on my family, but we learned to “stay close” and support one another. My parents were in pain. It is not our place to judge.
My reflection: Addiction affects all of us: parents, sibling, child, cousin, teacher and coach. We all suffer, but many children, who live with addicted parents, carry scars from their earliest years, ones that can negatively affect relationships and last forever. I don’t know their walk, but I feel the heaviness of their pain.
Today’s Promise to consider: The young man who wrote to me grew up in a home where both his mom and dad battled alcoholism. Instead of ugliness and anger, he chooses to summon compassion. Not an easy approach to take, but today, let us all follow his example. No one has the right to judge how we should feel about our suffering loved ones.
Hi Libby. I look forward to your posts each Thursday. They give me hope. I am the Mom of 3 sons, 2 who are addicts and we are in the cycle of relapse and recovery. One of my biggest challenges is not having addiction be the identity of our family. I feel like each time I’m with one of my sons, I tend to bring up some aspect of the disease. It feels so hard to behave like a normal family but each time we are together I work towards conversations that don’t revolve around addiction. Often it feels foreign not to talk about it. It is always the elephant in the room.
Dearest Robyn, I understand. When Jeff was in the cycle of relapse and recovery, I did the same thing. I think it’s normal since it’s on our minds all the time. That said, I agree with you that it’s important to try to keep our families steady, at least for the child who is not suffering from addiction. I didn’t do a very good job at this, especially with my younger son, who adored his brother and suffered as he watched Jeff destroy himself. Nothing easy with addiction. What did help me was writing in my journal, the place where I could ‘dump’ all my feelings. Al-Anon meetings helped, too, because there I could be honest without being judged. The ability to talk about my feelings in a safe environment made a big difference for me. My love to you. xoxo
Dearest Robyn, I understand. When Jeff was in the cycle of relapse and recovery, I did the same thing. I think it’s normal since it’s on our minds all the time. That said, I agree with you that it’s important to try to keep our families steady, at least for the child who is not suffering from addiction. I didn’t do a very good job at this, especially with my younger son, who adored his brother and suffered as he watched Jeff destroy himself. Nothing easy with addiction. What did help me was writing in my journal, the place where I could ‘dump’ all my feelings. Al-Anon meetings helped, too, because there I could be honest without being judged. The ability to talk about my feelings in a safe environment made a big difference for me. My love to you. xoxo
I love your weekly emails. This one really hit home for me. My family has not been supportive of my addict. Thankfully she is in recovery now. Just yesterday I asked her if she thought our family’s lack of support and their judgment of her had been a barrier to her recovery. She immediately said yes. They believe addiction is all about choices..not disease. I try to extend them grace because they have not educated themselves about this disease or joined any support group. I just know there’s only one Judge….and it’s not me. I trust Him to take care of my recovering addict and my unsupportive family.
Dearest Penny, What a beautiful daughter you have. When you asked her, she said yes. I’m not sure what my son would say, but I’ll ask him. My son’s father believed, too, that addiction was all about bad choices. His paternal grandfather once asked him, “OK, you’re in rehab again. Goddammit, Jeff, don’t blow it this time.” I agree with you that there is only One Judge – and it’s not either of us. I join you in trusting Him to care for our children and unsupportive family members. Love to you, Penny.
That is encouraging to read that he chose compassion. I’m a recovering addict and my kids are 7&9 and I’m going thru the process of regaining residential custody. They wanna be with me, and love me more than I sometimes feel I deserve. They do exhibit behaviors that are a result of me being an addict but I’m praying that with counseling we can work thru everything
My dearest Jen, God bless you. You lived through hell, you’re now sober, and you want your children back. My heart ached when I read your words, “They…love me me than I sometimes feel I deserve.” I feel the same way as a mom; I wish I would have been more present to my sons when they were growing up. Maybe most parents feel that way. You’re wise to look for behaviors now and addressing them with your eyes wide open, and with counseling. I’ll stay close in love and prayer – for you and your little ones. My love to you.