BLAME ISN’T HELPFUL

Photo by Audrey Melton

A mother wrote to me: My son is a heroin addict. I stayed home and was a fulltime mom. When he was ten years old, I started homeschooling him and his siblings. Eventually when he was beginning the eleventh grade, he entered a Christian school that we thought would be a good move for him. I had no idea that there he would meet up with trouble: He entered a class that was named the “druggy class.” The rest is history, and the cycle of addiction began.

My reflection: I’ve spoken to various audiences about addiction and the number one question I’m asked is, “What do you think made your son a drug addict? Maybe it was your fault? You and your husband worked many hours. Admittedly neither of you saw the red flags.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction doesn’t discriminate. It happens regardless of socio-economic status, college degrees or religious upbringing. It happens in churches, in schools, on good streets and bad. I won’t blame anyone or anything for my child’s addiction. It happened. What I will do is stay committed to my Al-Anon or family group, trust God and work to keep hope in my heart.

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Ann
Ann
5 years ago

Thank you Libby, I needed this reminder today. I try not to dwell on the “what if’s and if only” , but some days when I feel so low, I go to that dark place. I look forward to your weekly reflections. I am trying very hard to live in the moment, pray and find hope for my son.
Bless you
Ann

JOY2
JOY2
5 years ago
Reply to  Ann

Ann, I used to think when people said one day at a time it was more like one breath at a time. Sometimes the darkness was darker than dark and then I’d remember Thursday was coming and there would be people here who knew and understood. I am not religious in traditional sense, but I so believe in power of prayer.Prayers for you.

JOY2
JOY2
5 years ago

I have not written here for a while — but I am here reading still almost every week. (I miss Barbara.)These words a godsend to us. Watching my son in active recovery instead of active addiction is a blessing, a miracle, a victory over death and darkness. From opiates to methadone to weaning off methadone so he can go into a year long rehab program.Self blame only drags us into despair & so I pray you refuse that thought.. I knowI was not perfect but I was also not the “cause” –and I learned to accept that sometimes my best was not good enough. My son started at 17 and is 37 now. I kept blaming myself until I was no longer me — and only the love of my husband took me out that darkness and made me see more clearly. NEVER LOSE HOPE. Libby Jeff Jeremy helped when I was no longer hoping. The path is often still painful.I see how hard this journey is for him. There is no home free. MY son’s journey is his –however. Now all I have to do is love. Love Myself and my husband (who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at 60 ) –and my children wherever they are in addiction, dependence or recovery. Cherish my grandchildren. There is no time to waste in blame.As Easter approaches, no matter your faith these timely words here today remind me of Jesus saying forgive them they know not what they do– forgive—resurrect- hope.

Lynn
Lynn
5 years ago

Hi Libby I too struggle with blame. I am making strides to come to the realization it is of no blame to anyone. I have a request , could your son give pointers on staying sober. My son is currently in jail ( this of many other times ) he swears he will seek treatment when he gets out prob within next few weeks. My husband ( not his father) and I have given him the option to come back home providing he follows all rules and goes to therapy. He is 32 , very much needs so sobriety or drugs when kill him. I do. It want to loose my only son. I llove him dearly. And although I know he is the only one who can end this battle I still feel the motherly instinct kicking in and wanting to do all I can to help. Please advise. Much appreciated

Pat
Pat
5 years ago
Reply to  Lynn

Dear Lynn, I know exactly how you feel. That was my husband and me a year ago. The first 3 months we’re wonderful and we felt so grateful to have our “son back!” However as wonderful as we thought it was going, it was not! He became violent when we confronted him with his use of drugs again. I know he was scared and desperate but he was also not himself and a danger to all of us. It was a sad time.
Be sure he is accountable and that the boundaries are clear and enforced. Pray for direction and strength and wisdom. Whatever you decide, I am praying for you to have the best outcome. Miracles happen!

Lynn
Lynn
5 years ago

Would like to join