This is part of a journal entry that I wrote five years ago on Christmas, 2005. Merry Christmas, Lib. Childless: neither son is home. This is the first Christmas that we have not all been together. Jeff is in California in another recovery institution. Jer is in Florida and said he had to work, but I think he just didn’t want to come home to this mess.
How often can a heart break? Even after I say I won’t hope and I won’t care, hope and care seep into my bones and I think that maybe he’ll make it this time.
What is the Lord trying to teach me? Am I to let go? Realize I have no control? What is happening in my life? Dear Lord, I am sad and beaten down.
My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts today: Jeff was exactly where he needed to be: in recovery. Jeremy didn’t want to come home and I can understand. I wish I had been able to trust that my sons were making the best decisions for themselves. Even though I was miserable and broken, they were doing what they needed to do to survive.
Christmas of 2005 taught me that I had to let go and trust; it taught me that I could not control Jeff’s or Jeremy’s actions. Christmas 2005 proved to be a turning point in our lives. Christmas 2006 brought both boys home, healthy and happy to be together.
Today’s promise to consider, for all of us who love addicts: Today I’ll trust that we are all exactly where we are meant to be. I don’t need to understand why.322