I remember well the Christmas when my son didn’t come home: During the holidays of 2006, when Jeff didn’t come home for our large Italian family gatherings, no one knew what to do or say. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends didn’t know whether to ask about my addicted son or whether it would be kinder to leave him out of the conversation. At Christmas Eve Mass, my older brother bent toward me and asked softly, “How’s Jeff?” I swelled with tears, tried to speak, but no words came. He nodded and turned toward the altar. I kept my head down and prayed.
My reflection: The holidays put the addict on center stage when the accumulated chaos of his or her life, and ours, is excruciatingly public. It is during these gatherings of joy that addiction mocks us most.
Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction can severely isolate us during this time of year. We come face-to-face, over and over again, with the reality that our lives are not as joyful as we wish they would be. Today, let us avoid this toxic place by being compassionate with ourselves, with others and our loved ones. Let us find serenity in honesty and prayer. Let us not allow addiction to rob us of our peace.
My heart hurts for you, Libby, in your description of sitting in the church, and the whole “joyousness” of everyone being together. Everyone except your cherished son. I know the feeling exactly.
The sickening feeling inside, as you try your hardest to put on a good front.
I shared at my first al-anon meeting, which I still can’t believe, because I thought everyone would judge me. But I had practically crawled in, and couldn’t stop sobbing. In my share, I announced (and believed) that “I’ll never feel joy again”.
A man came up to me later and hugged me, saying, “you WILL find joy again. I promise”.
I’ll never forget that, and over the years, on the holidays like you’ve described, I’ve not gotten over the “sick” feeling, but at least I’ve gained the awareness to pay attention to, and listen to, and engage with, the loved ones who WERE here with me. They deserve that. I’ve gone off topic- sorry! But thank you for this post, Libby. You are so appreciated. There is hope!
Dearest Laurie, Your description of your first Al-Anon meeting touches me deeply. We learn so much in the halls, and the meetings become life-lines for us. You’re right – there is hope, and we have to hold onto it. My love to you, Laurie. I join you in prayer and hope during this holiday season and for a peaceful and blessed New Year.
Libby, your writings could not be more spot on. Thank you.
I choose to remain silent with family who are unaware of our unbelievable situation with our dear addicted and mentally ill child, now incarcerated. I simply could share the shame, grief and destruction of our family. There simply no adequate words but we cling to the belief that Emmanuel is with us.
My dearest Beth, I join you in prayer and belief that Emmanuel is still with you. Hold tight to hope. My love to you.
This is so very true. I worried and worried if my 33AD would show up for our Christmas. I’ve been in AlaNon for 6 years now and I still worried this year. No amounts of prayers or chanting the Serenity Prayer helped. I finally on the morning of our small get together I gave it over to my God. He gladly took it from me. We had a perfect day. Thanks so much for sharing Libby. Signed Ki Ki
Dearest Ki Ki, I know that feeling that ‘no amounts of prayers or chanting the Serenity Prayer helped.’ You gave your suffering to God, and HE took your pain. God bless you. Here’s to many more perfect days.
all of my life, all I ever wanted was to be a mother. I have been blessed with 3 children. My youngest is 30, and has returned from rehab 45 days ago after an ugly intervention. She blames me a lot for her alcohol addiction. She said I only want perfect. Maybe I have, I am tired, I have tried my best, I wanted to raise happy kind children, not average children, but children that were most importantly kind to others and inclusive and thoughtful. She has slipped twice. She lies, sneaks around, says she is going to meetings, but I don’t know if she is. She does not live in the same state, she has a great job and has been working from our home due to the pandemic and us getting her in to rehab. She has been fully supported by her sister, brother, her dad and me during her recovery.
‘what do I say. Do I just allow her to sneak around and deny she is drinking. Do I continue to walk on eggshells, worry her entire family? Do I drive her to meetings to be sure she is going.
I feel her true issue is she is depressed after a bad break up. She drinks to cover the pain. Is a man’s approval that important? Do you feel most alcoholics have an underlying issue and drinking is a way to dull the pain?
I have been to one al anon meeting and due to a health issue, my other daughter getting married on NYE, I have not done a great job of attending.
I try to get her to talk to me and share if she is having a hard day but she locks herself in her room and does not participate with the rest of our family. For the very first time in my life I have questioned my decision to have children, my heart is broken watching my talented stunning daughter in so very much pain. I would love your advise. We could send her back to her home, but because she has attempted suicide twice I just can’t.
Thank You for listening.
My precious friend, My heart aches for you as I read your letter. I know that feeling of not knowing what to do. We’ve all struggled with those questions – what to do I, do I make her leave my home, do I drive her to meetings, and even – do I bail her out of jail. I can’t answer these questions because I have only one story to tell. I know what helped Jeff, and I can offer you that. Other parents on this forum have followed different routes. Dr MacAfee, my son’s beloved addiction therapist, encouraged me to ‘stay close, but out of the chaos of my son’s addiction.’ It was hard for me to know where to draw the boundaries, but MacAfee always said that boundaries were important for our family’s health, but even more important for our addicted loved ones. In other words, Jeff needed to know what I would accept and what I wouldn’t. The hard part for me was that I had to follow through on whatever I said – easier said than done. You might watch the video on our Stay Close site – the first one half-way down the page. My son’s words are wise and they might give you some direction. I’ll keep you in prayer for wisdom and strength. Know that you are not alone.