A mother wrote to me: My son got arrested and we hired a lawyer and bailed him out, but he kept using and stealing. He got arrested again and bailed himself out. We knew he was dying – his behavior was dangerous and reckless – so we asked the attorney to have the judge put him back in jail. We told our son we would not bail him out again. We explained that we loved him, but could no longer let his addiction destroy our family. All the love in the world was not enough to make him stop.
My reflection: All the love in the world will not stop an addict from using because addiction is the antithesis of love. Dr. MacAfee tells of a group therapy session when he asked a young man, “What is your drug of choice?” The boy thought carefully and responded, “more.” MacAfee explained, “The group answered with a consensus of silence, affirmative head nods. No addict ever intends to end up where he’s really going. Substance drives the addict.”
Today’s Promise: Our children are trapped in the disease of addiction and, although it doesn’t always look like it, they loathe the life they are living. Today, I will not feel betrayed. I will not feel self-blame. I will stay close and pray that my child decides to stop, for himself. I will continue to love him through it all, by remaining close, but out of the chaos.
I understand “more.” I had an addiction to scratch-off lottery tickets. Although not illegal nor bad for your health, I can recall scratching and scratching and whether I won or didn’t, I would be driving down to the convenience store or market for “more” almost any time if the day. With grace and the help of my HP, I finally got it under control to the point I loathed those tickets. “More” comes in all
Addictions. Thx for the topic!
Dear Diane, Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Yes, there are all kinds of addictions that interfere with life and living, and your story brings that home. My love and thanks. xo
Libby, I just watched the two videos, and I’m just so moved. My son had the worst relapse of all this past April. It was as if he was making up for his prior period of sobriety. He took every drug he could, some of which he hadn’t even tried before.
After another month in rehab, he has been sober ever since, with the help of sober living homes and medication.
When you were dealing with breast cancer, but were writing about Jeff, I totally related. Your brain, as a mother is totally consumed with the addicted person. My daughter has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and my husband has been diagnosed with cancer also. Thank God my son remains sober. But I can honestly admit right now that I don’t know if I can “do it again” with him. My precious daughter, (the mother of two toddlers), and my husband, deserve all of me right now. It’s a different perspective in a way. But as I write this, I’m thinking “who do you think you’re kidding?” I don’t know if I would drop everything again and go pick him up in a seedy and dangerous place. I probably would. Geez, the INSANITY. One minute, I’m good-in control. The next minute-here comes the fear.
Sorry for rambling. Thank you, and Jeff, for all you do and have done. There are no words to describe the comfort that you and your readers give to make me feel that I’m not alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Dear Laurie, I can relate to everything you write. Yes, we, as mothers, are consumed by fear, guilt, and need to rescue our children from addiction’s grasp. We sacrifice ourselves, our very health, in an attempt to ‘fix’ them. In the end, we finally admit that we are powerless – powerless to ‘fix’ anyone, even ourselves. God bless you as you walk this walk with your husband’s and daughter’s cancer. I join you in prayer for your son’s continued sobriety and for your family’s health. In all of this, take care of yourself. If you get sick, who will pick up the pieces for you? It was only when I needed a bilateral mastectomy that I realized the damage that stress had done in my life. I send you tons of love for peace and strength. xo
I wish you many years of health and healing, Libby. Yes, I believe stress can do horrible things to us. My prayers are with you, for you are an earth Angel.
Dearest Laurie, We’ll hold each other in prayer. My love to you.
Hi again. I appreciate your weekly emails. Thank you so much Libby for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. I want to add an additional comment. There has been so much emphasis on “family” these days, especially in the face of the pandemic. I have been watching the pro-life events in DC on EWTN, and talks by so many good people with good families. I ask myself, “what about the broken families?” Where do we fit in? It’s something that needs recognized and addressed. Thank you again. God bless.
Dearest Diane, You’re right. I think the majority of families have issues – divorce, death, separation, stress, health, money – all kinds of problems. I once referred to a family of a friend of mine and said to my son, “They have such a good family. I wish we were more like them.” I still remember his response, “That’s how it looks, yes, but if we could take the roof off their house and look inside, I think we’d see that they weren’t so perfect.” I join you, Diane, in supporting all families, especially families like yours and mine. xoxo
Hi Libby, your promise in this writing was so beautiful and powerful. Staying close, cutout of the chaos is such a vital part of navigating this brutal and baffling disease. Having others in my life who can help me stay out of the chaos and see my own blind spots and insanity is huge also. Thank you for your words today!
Dear Margaret, You bring up a really important point that, “Having others in my life who can help me stay out of the chaos and see my own blind spots and insanity is huge.” What a beautiful and helpful comment. Thank you. xoxo