NO BLAME

Jeff and niece Iysa

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mother wrote to me: My son was a star athlete in high school and at age seventeen began his downward spiral into this insidious disease. I taught in the school district that he attended so it was doubly hard getting calls just about every day from the RN to take him for a drug test. He fell asleep in class or didn’t even show up for school. I blamed myself – his dad and I had separated before this nightmare began so I assumed he took drugs to medicate himself or to use as a band-aid.

My reaction: We parents often blame ourselves for our child’s addiction. When our child is broken and ill, we would rather point to anyone, even ourselves, before we blame our addicted loved one. We feel powerless and assigning fault comes easily in moments of crisis.

Today’s Promise:Many experts say that addiction is an illness. Who is to blame for this illness? I will blame no one. Our family is affected by addiction. I will accept it, find strength in God and my recovering community, and go forward.

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Barbara
Barbara
8 years ago

I like today’s promise – blame no one and find strength in God and the recovering community.

Addiction is a disease, it creeps up on the addict and the body seems to love it. So, who’s to blame?

I found strength in God after I had a nervous breakdown, when my son overdosed and died. If it weren’t for my faith, I really don’t know where I would be right now.

The second healing came from this community. It is my recovering community. I used to blame myself, until I met all of you, here. I no longer blame myself because of all of you. I can’t thank you enough.

If any parent out there, still blames themselves, ask God to help you through the guilt. Guilt is so difficult to overcome, we sometimes need help from sources other than ourselves and it’s okay to need and want that help.

God bless you all.

pat nichols
pat nichols
8 years ago

I eventually discovered that faith in God created my acceptance of my son’s disease which lead me to forgive myself and realize that there was nothing or no one to blame. This process took several years to fully achieve but by consistently trusting God and working hard on myself through the twelve steps with a sponsor I was finally freed from the choke hold my son’s addiction had on me.

My blame held me hostage to my enabling and codependent behaviors. My son became addicted and then I became addicted to my son.

Did I even have a choice in determining my enabling behaviors?

Where does choice come from? Who has the power to overcome the power of denial with choice? What power is greater than denial? Addiction. So, because of the power of addiction and denial I was helpless -until when? Until the pain I suffered due to the insanity of addiction and its coconspirator denial became so great that I was forced to seek another alternative. No, not a choice, I was forced. I had no choice (freewill) at that moment. The longer I was removed from the hold that my child’s addiction and denial had on me the greater my ability to make a choice became.

Now, after working hard on myself through the strength that God gave me and committing myself to the twelve steps with a sponsor addiction and denial will never have control of me again.

The good news is that recovery is possible for everyone.

Laura
8 years ago

I don’t blame myself for my son’s addiction anymore. I finally realized that my husband and I did not cause it, but for some reason I still think I can cure it, by loving him enough to help rescue him from his consequences, even while he’s in prison. Today I was advised to ask God for the strength to let him go. I thought I had when he was sentenced, but no. It’s hard for me to trust God to take this from me because I don’t have a strong faith. But tonight I will try prayer because I don’t have the energy anymore to try to protect my son or to change him. I will pray that God will be able to bring out the good that I see in my son, and give him the strength to triumph over the harm his addiction has brought in to his life.

Barbara
Barbara
8 years ago
Reply to  Laura

Dear Laura,

You don’t have to have a strong faith for God to hear you.

You love your son, and that is powerful.

As, Joy says – love, love, love. Love when it’s hard, and love when it gets better.

Jane
Jane
8 years ago

Hello my friends
I love today’s promise too. Guilt, blame, shame keep us all hostage and are barriers in our recovery. Like Pat, hard work in my program of Al Anon got me to a better place in recovery and it is ongoing…..never finished. I have slips at times when triggers build up, or I’m over stressed, and then I need to reach out for help and focus hard again on my recovery. Coming here helped, my support group and therapy helped, and reading books like Libby’s helped. It’s a process, and I wanted to be well…so I work it
Love you
Jane

JOY
JOY
8 years ago

I love this reminder— and all these comments. Barbara’s ever presence here give me strength to accept where our famaily is today, Pat’s honesty about being forced to go deeper in faith ( I so get this this) and that there is always hope– Laura saying letting go of self blame does not necessarily mean we let go of thinking we can do something to “Cure” ( O how I trip into that) and Jane said it for me, this is a process and I can be triggered into old ways of reacting. And I think I can say this here–it feels like a spiritual tug of war sometimes. But if we let go of what we once hoped, and accept what is in our path rigt now and here —and keep choosing love…and kindness– love love love as a way to respond to ourselves and our loved ones- -Love when it is hard, love when it gets better— love. That kindness matters. I find it here. And it helps heal me.

Barbara
Barbara
8 years ago

Dear Libby,

I love the picture you posted of Jeff and Lysa. It’s priceless. Jeff is so handsome and Lysa is absolutely adorable!