A mom wrote to me: It’s 3:00 am, and my daughter went out to drink and use. We’ve been at this a long time. I’m writing to you because I’m awake in the middle of the night, sad, and completely powerless. I’m in this limbo of not knowing if she’s safe or not. I’m losing hope, while trying to keep hope and faith alive.
My reflection: I, too, tried countless ways to stop my son’s addiction. I dragged him to therapists, forced him into treatment centers, paid his bills, and tracked him down whenever he couldn’t be found. Fear took over my life.
Today’s Promise to consider: It took me fourteen years of watching my son chase his next high before I finally acknowledged that the power to stop him was outside my control. As humbling as it was, it was crucial for me to realize that no matter how much of myself I poured into his illness, the choice to stop was his alone. Today, I admit that I cannot control anyone other than myself. Let us keep hope alive and continue to believe and pray that our loved ones will come home, to themselves and our families.
This was a timely share/article (as are every single Thursday reflections) showing that my experience / my family’s experience is almost identical to every other addicts’ family experience. I just woke late from a crappy night’s sleep waiting for my son to return home from a full day’s binge after a month of slipping back into grasp of addiction. The night before he had flailed around his room in a paranoid frenzy/and anger and shame and sadness of otc meth like substances as well as alcohol and pot – begging us to take him to rehab the next day. So for a fleeting moment I had hope – HE wanted and begged us for rehab! I have not been pushing. It came from him. But, like clock work, when the high and low and frenzy wore off, he changed his mind and took off at 10am for another binge. And with it my hopes dashed. I feel like I am daily mourning my son – based on the facts of what happens when he uses. It is hard to not lose faith and hope. But, I did sleep albeit crappily, I did stay in bed a little longer to get enough hours in, I went and worked out, I am trying to eat healthy because it helps me deal with this stress better. Plus I am working a job, too. I am trying on my end. But dealing with this is a JOY SUCK. It sucks the joy out of things. I love my life, but when I get sucked into the fear of losing my son, it is like wearing misery goggles – seeing the world through an addicts’ eyes. You want to f*****ing slap the goggles off the addict and remind them how much better they feel when they are not using. Sorry for my rant. It is how I am feeling right now.
Dear Jayne, I understand. You’re right that so many of our family experiences are the same. We are not alone and, although there is comfort in that knowledge, it still hurts. The betrayals, the rants, the consequences of addiction’s grasp affect us all. You’re also right that addiction sucks the joy out of life and exhausts us, while breaking our hearts, over and over again. Just an idea – Al-Anon was a huge help to me. There I found others who understood my walk. I’m glad to hear that you are trying to take care of yourself – trying to get some sleep, to work out, and to eat healthily. I join you in prayer that your son will ask to go to rehab again and that, this time, he’ll go.
I’ll stay close in love and prayer.
Powerful message. I have shared this with some friends. Keeping Hope and Faith alive can be applied to all our struggles. Thank you Libby and Jeff!!
Our precious Paula, Thank you for staying close all these years. You have known serious health challenges, and you have survived. In your journey, you were a role model for me. Your constant faith and love inspire me and my family. Love to you.
My CoDA sponsor reminded me of the 3 C’s –
You can’t Control it
You can’t Cure it
You can’t Change it
My oldest son OD at age 55
My middle son is in federal prison for transporting meth
My love to all who share the suffering of addicted children
Dearest Lorraine, Your message touches my heart. I’m so sorry. You’re right that we can’t control it, cure it, or change it. Yet, through it all, nothing can touch the suffering of a mother’s heart. I join you in love for all who share the suffering of addicted children. My love to you.
There are so many of us out there: and I can only relate from a mother’s perspective. As a mom who has seen it all, I still can’t believe what we lived through. I sometimes wonder if it could be a form of ptsd. Physically, spiritually, and mentally,
It’s as if it wasn’t “me” anymore. My son has been sober for a year. Thank God. But in that year, both my husband and daughter have been diagnosed with cancer. I grieve for both of them, (they’re both doing fine), because they suffered as much as I did. I understand the nightmare of laying there at 3 am, and that gut wrenching fear. I keep hoping that I’ve learned enough that if he relapses again, I simply CAN’T let the torture take over again. It just does so much damage to us family members. Whatever it takes, I’ll try to stay healthy and happy. It’s so important. And I pray we can all find the strength to do whatever it takes to protect our very being.
Dear Laurie, Your message is filled with hard-fought wisdom. So much of what you write resonates with me, and I’m sure resonates with many of us. The fear, the stress, the PTSD – yes, all of it. The entire family suffers, and no one is immune. Addiction wants to consume all of us and enjoys taking us down. You’re right – we can’t let the torture take over again.
Your son is one year sober. This is HUGE. Today, we celebrate his health, and we pray for tomorrow.
My love to you.
Hello, my 24 year old daughter is now in Florida after being kicked out of her 5th rehab. It was recommended we send her there to another rehab. Well she never met up with her transportation so she has now been wandering in Tampa living here and there, begging for money for hotels, food, car, gas etc. She had an abusive controlling boyfriend for the past 6 years. He wound up meeting up with her in FL. long story short abused her again and now “she’s done” with him. Connected with another guy 32 years old seemed happy looked good was gaining weight, now he died from complications from a seizure. (I’m sure from drugs but she won’t admit that). She’s a complete mess.
We are still at the point that she cannot come back home unless she completes an entire program and begins sober living. I know it won’t do her any good to come home. BUT my heart aches, as a mother we want to hug them and make everything better. That being said I know that won’t help her. I’m so afraid for her life.
Dearest Trish, I understand. My son was also kicked out of many rehabs and even detox centers. Your heart is breaking. Yes. You want to make everything better. Yes. You want to fix things. Yes, yes, yes. I wish we, as mothers, had that power. I understand your fear, that ache in your very soul. I’m so sorry. I join you in prayer for your precious daughter. I’ll bombard the heavens for her. My love to you.