A mom wrote to me: Your story meant I was not alone. I loved my son even as I was terrified and, for so so long, I thought I could do something to fix him. When he was little and struggled so much, I always seemed to be able to make it better. But addiction is not like that. The hard part for me was not staying close, but staying out of the chaos. And because the chaos of this disease is crazy making for those who love a suffering child, it is so hard at times to not get sick oneself from worry and fear. Depressed. Worn down. Giving in and giving money– which could have killed him. Such a fine line at times to walk.
My reflection: I, too, thought I could heal my son, change his life, and make things better. I couldn’t.
Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we often turn ourselves inside-out in an effort to ‘fix’ our suffering loved ones, until we realize that our help isn’t always helping. It took me fourteen years to accept that I couldn’t change my son’s destructive behavior. In time, I learned to stay close and continue to love him while I disengaged from the chaos of his addiction.
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Thank you for sharing. Such true words.
Dear Cathy, Thanks for writing. The truth about addiction is often difficult to write about, but comments like yours make the pain worthwhile.
The worry, the fear, the depression. Yes, it’s hard NOT to get sick as a mother. You’re not alone. Knowing I wasn’t alone has been a lifesaver for me.
Dear Laurie, You are so right that knowing we're not alone is a lifesaver. We walk together. My love and thanks.
I am 14 yrs in this chaos with our son.. we had to sell our home leave the area before we became bankrupt - and More Ill in health than we already had become . I feel better.. we feel better out of the chaos .... but the guilty of a parent to turn away and that I could not stay the course and help him recover can be over whelming at times .. Now there maybe a baby that was born severely addicted that maybe his ... I had to take steps to turn him and the mother into authorities and block them from getting this baby . In turn we do not have access either .. The chaos and drama continue to hurt me even from a far .. why .. so much hurt . Why is this happening to all of us ..
Dear Karen, I'm so sorry, deeply sorry. You're right that the pain, the guilt, and the trauma can destroy us. I join you in love and prayer - for your son and for the baby that might be his. Addiction wants to bury and destroy us, but we have to fight to keep hope alive. In the end, my son had to make the decision to get well. I couldn't do that for him. I'll bombard the heavens for you and your son.
I send prayers for you Karen -and the courage and strength you have had ---to do what you must--no mother dreams that they would ever have to do things they learn to do. Because of disease... I pray for you for the will to keep all channels open while boundaries for you are also clear. Self-care so you can be there next time and time after that. You are not alone. Never give up on your son or let hope. If the worst were to happen, you would say I did the very very very best I could to just keep accepting and loving where he is. You are warrior woman fighting for clarity in midst of disease that brings chaos.
Dearest friend, I join you in prayer for Karen and all who are suffering. xo