A friend wrote to me after last week’s blog:
“Wow, this really hit home. My husband has been dealing with a difficult family situation for years, and he finally made the decision to get up off those nails. He realized that the pain of staying had become greater than the fear of getting up. I know he is going to be in a better place with himself and his son.”
Her message stayed with me because it reminded me of my son, who suffered a 14-year heroin addiction. In an effort to understand addiction better, several years ago I interviewed 42 recovering addicts and alcoholics from around the world and asked, “What brought you to recovery?”
The majority answered without hesitation: “When the consequences of my actions became too painful to live with.” Only then – when the pain point of using became so intense – did the people I interviewed decide it was time to get off the nail.
Today, my son is 19 years sober, and our family lives in deep gratitude. But my son had to reach that decision himself, in his own time, when the pain of staying the same outweighed the fear of change.
As parents and spouses, we want to protect those we love from making mistakes, but sometimes we can’t. We can support, love, and guide – we can stay close, but each person has to decide when he or she is ready.
My hardest lesson.
As a mom to a precious son and daughter, when they were hurting, sad, in conflict, even broken hearted I was determined to “ fix it” for them. Yet I knew towards the end of a year of sadness and depression my son had to decide for himself to change. Sadly he chose to leave this life on earth. In the end he was not the humorous, compassionate, always reading to learn more about keeping others healthy, person he had been. How ironic…. Striving to help others yet could not help himself. I miss him with every ounce of me yet feel him within me every single day. It’s a feeling of comfort.
Oh, Brenda, My heart aches to read this. I, too, thought I could ‘fix’ things — isn’t that what we moms do? It took me 14 years to learn that I could control absolutely nothing. Love was never-ending, but our children have to make the decision themselves. Such a harsh reality.
You feel your precious son’s presence every single day. He will be with you always.
I’ll stay close in love and prayer.