My personal reflection on the passage above offering my thoughts today: As parents, we want to save our children. But addiction is a confounding disease and we find that we are oftentimes powerless. Dr. MacAfee writes, “Family members repeatedly blame themselves and try to straighten out the addict. This is a mission filled with good intention, but unless the addict is ready to stop, good intentions are exploited. Addicts will do anything in their power to keep using, and family will do anything in their power to stop them.”
Our addicted children have to make the choice to get and stay clean. We can love them through it, but in our attempt to save them we often enable. This vicious cycle must be broken.
Today’s Promise to consider for all of us who love addicts: I will stay close and allow my loved one to choose a life of sobriety. I must stop denying him the consequences of his addiction. He must make the decision for himself and I must respect my boundaries.
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When I was faced with this decision I was only able to "let go, let God" when I trusted Him fully -- when I went into my soul, paused and listened. Only then did I have the strength to let go, to understand acceptance. I began to allow others to help me, my Family Anonymous sponsor and my counselor; then I began the grieving process. There are no words to described what a difficult process we, as parents, face when dealing with an addicted child.
The good news is that where there is life, there is hope and parents who are in recovery themselves will find peace and serenity.
There is also books like, "Stay Close," which are priceless!
First off that picture of your son made me smile Libby! It also shows hope. The last time I posted here my son's girlfriend had given birth to an addicted baby who is still in the hospital being weaned until towards the end of this month. This broke our hearts. During these last couple days our son has been trying to quit morphine cold turkey and it's been heartbreaking. I am afraid to hope too much because it hasn't helped in the past but there is still a faint flutter there, a "what if this is it??" that reminds me of this quote by Emily Dickinson:
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
and I guess I won't ever stop hoping, even though I'm afraid of being disappointed again. I pray he has the strength to do it this time.
Libby,
Awesome topic! My son just celebrated 60 days clean/sober:) I have hope, guarded hope, but hope just the same. I have been struggling with decisions, his/mine. Am I helping him too much, not enough? Is he making good decisions? I told my Al-Anon Sponsor and this is what she said: People say that success really teaches the addict nothing. They learned from failure. So, he failed, he's found his way to The Healing Place, where now, he has a chance to succeed from that failure. Allow him the dignity of sorting this out so he can find out where he was, how he got there, and work through what he has to, in order to put his life back on track. Then, when he's out....he'll remember that failure that took him there and he'll remember that sweet personal success and honorable hard work that took him out of the darkness and into the light"
Hope this helps someone else as much as it helped me.
Love,
Victoria
Dear Pat,
Your note brought tears to me. You and I have written to each other before, and I hear in your words hope and acceptance. You are so right, "The good news is that where there is life, there is hope and parents who are in recovery themselves will find peace and serenity." God bless you for teaching me and all of us that this life with addiction is a journey for parents and our children. There are no easy answers, but where there is life there is hope. My love to you.
Libby
Dear Glenda,
Thanks for the sweet comment about Jeff's picture. You're right - he shows hope and life. His radiant smile was gone for many years, but for today it is back. Your son is trying to quit on his own. This is so difficult and it is heartbreaking. Jeff did this twice at my home and it still brings back sad, sad memories. As Jeff once told me, "I wanted to quit and I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I'm an addict."
Emily Dickinson's words are lovely and I thank you so much for posting them, "hope...perches in the soul...and never stops at all."
Stay strong and know that we are with you. With love and respect,
Libby
Dear Victoria.
Wow - I love what your sponsor said: "Allow him the dignity of sorting this out so he can find out where he was, how he got there, and work through what he has to, in order to put his life back on track. Then, when he’s out….he’ll remember that failure that took him there and he’ll remember that sweet personal success and honorable hard work that took him out of the darkness and into the light”
I've asked many addicts, "What brought you to recovery?" Everyone so far has had a similar answer, "The consequences. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I decided that I couldn't continue to live my life and that I needed to change."
After at least a year of recovery, I asked them, "What keeps you sober?" Their answer, "The benefits of living a sober life. I can't go back to where I was."
Victoria, your sponsor's words ring so true with all the things MacAfee taught me especially, "allow them the dignity of their choices and the personal success of their honorable work."
With love and thanks,
Libby
Libby,
I write this through a mist of tears. I thank God that my Google search brought me to you. I'm still in the grips of this enmeshed relationship with my son. He is 20 and was in rehab for 40 days in March/April 2010 - had been using since 13 I found out, and it escalated to 120 mg daily of Oxy & Morphine. He is now back at college (on an academic scholarship) and during his X-mas break at home I found signs of pot and possibly cocaine (I am still obsessed with searching his room and clothing and found signs). He is on Suboxone for the opiate addiction. (Are you familiar with Suboxone?) I am a nervous wreck .... how am I going to live through another summer of the insanity? I've tried Alanon & he's tried AA/NA but there is virtually no recovery in our remote area of Wisconsin. I suppose I could drive an hour to bigger cities to try those meetings - but I work full time and am busy with the rest of my family. In the meantinme I pray and cry and keep reaching out to my son. I can't believe his promising life has been reduced to chasing a daily high. And yes, I can't believe I failed so miserably as a mother. Thank you, Libby, for your honest, loving, and straightforward approach. Your son's and your stories are an inspiration. I don't want to give up hope. I don't want my son to give up hope. But it feels so hopeless sometimes when I read that only 1% of opiate addicts find long-term recovery.
Dear Ann,
I'm sorry that you are in such pain and please know that you are not alone. Your words are true for so many of us who want to help and to save our children. Your son is in college and has so much potential.
You need support; we all do. The one thing I would like you to hear is that you are NOT a failure. Addiction steals our children. My son once told me, "I didn't want to hurt you or anyone, but I'm an addict." I never realized that Jeff lived with self-loathing and incredible pain, too.
Our book Stay Close might help. In it, Jeff and I both talk about Suboxone: How I thought it was a saving drug and how he abused it. We also talk about his wanting to come home for the summer months during college break. Dr. MacAfee, Jeff's therapist, wrote the epilogue and he has over 40 years of experience helping people find sobriety. He was our north star. https://www.libbycataldi.com/
My love to you. Let's keep each other in prayer.
L
I am 23 and from Calvert. I am also a recovering addict. And the one thing that I have is my mom's love and support. Not a dollar for the attorneys, gas, cigarettes..nothing. And when she started Al-Anon it helped save my life that much more. You have to let go and let God. I have seen many die from this disease and as sad as it may you have to help him help himself. Not just you helping. That gets us nowhere. Ive been to a few rehabs and moved a hundered times. Let go and love.
Dear Zack,
I thank you with all my heart for writing. This thought, coming from you - a recovering addict, speaks loud and clear to parents. God bless you for your courage and honesty.
Our family is from Calvert (and maybe you know this), so I feel a connection with you. Jeff started in Calvert and moved to Baltimore, then Boston, NY and from there he almost lost himself. Fourteen years.
God bless you and your mom. Please tell her that I admire what she's done for herself and you. Stay strong and stay close.
I will keep your words close: Let go and love.
With respect, Libby