HEARTS OF LOVE

IMG_0218A personal story for today, March 28, Mom’s birthday: My mother died on December 8, 2012, peacefully and with great faith. One month later, Jeremy, my younger son, opened his sock drawer to dress for a game of tennis when he heard a scrunching sound that he hadn’t heard before. Moving the drawer in and out, he realized the sound was coming from somewhere below, as if captured in the tracks of the drawer. Removing the drawer from its hinges, he found a page on which Mom had handwritten a prayer: 

Ezekial 36, He will pour His spirit upon us and take the stony heart out of our flesh and give us hearts of love.

Jeremy thought no more about this, lay the page on the top of the dresser and went to play tennis. After the game, his friend, who knew nothing about Mom’s prayer, said, “Look at your shirt. You sweated a heart.”

Jeremy looked down and there, on his chest, was the heart pictured here.

 Maybe it was a message from Mom and maybe it wasn’t; however, it is something our family will honor.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will be the best I can be. I will live today with a heart of love. Happy birthday, Mom.

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joy
joy
9 years ago

I shivered reading this. Thank you for sharing. Right now, my heart is broken and beats fast. I am surrounded by my husband`s loving family to celebrate this Easter feast weekend and came down earlier to check emails and my son emailed he has been arrested — I suspect for trafficking cocaine because he does this to feed his habit. For once, I do not want to let my husband know –I am not being a martyr — but My son`s disease has tainted so many moments — and so I Will just let him enjoy this weekend. I will take yoor mother’s prayer wiht me all through the next days and ask you pray for all of us. I am releived at one level. I want my son to get help however it comes — jail — if that is how the recovery might finally happen. My heart feels full in my chest. Thnkas for letting me let this out.

joy
joy
9 years ago

So sorry about my spelling. I pressed send and do not have my glasses on ! Sweat HEARTS better than sweet hearts.

Nanci
Nanci
9 years ago

My heart is filled with love and joy, promise, hope and possibilities.
The spirit of your mother’s love permeates us all…she speaks through you. In turn, you speak to all of us by sharing your experience, strength and hope. Thank you for this beautiful meditation.
May your mother rest in peace,
Love,
Nanci

Jane
Jane
9 years ago

Dear Joy
Heavy heart. I feel your heaviness having been there so many times. It does taint everything. Maybe jail will be the key. We all are learning to stay out of the way. I know it does not come naturally for me still. It is something I have to remind myself of. To not entangle myself, whose responsibility, is it mine or his? Theses are the questions I pose for myself.
Dear Libby,
The heart of sweat was no accident. Jeremy sweat a heart of sweat many years right? Your Mom is with you. God bless
Happy Easter to all
Jane

Libby Cataldi
Libby Cataldi
9 years ago

Addiction celebrates in these moments of trauma and grief. Joy, I’m so sorry you are dealing, again, with this. It seems no coincidence that you received this email at Easter, a time of joy, love and rebirth. This is addiction’s way – to try to destroy joy and hope and belief. I want to write, “Fight, don’t let addiction win,” but I also know how hard it is to stay strong, over and over again. Jane’s questions are good ones, and ones that only we can answer individually, for ourselves and our families.

Stay Close, the recovering alcoholic told me. Stay close, but out of the way of the chaos.

A heart of sweat – we each know it and have sweated our own hearts out of our very bodies for our children. All of us.

Let’s keep each other close and in prayer for strength and wisdom.

My love to each of you,

L

joy
joy
9 years ago

Thank you Libby and Jane and thank your mother for a passage that will help me keep my heart open. And yes, to Nanci for her beautful words, ones I could not find in my heart. Such a grateful response to such a beautiful meditation. I was in shock when I came here to write last night, panic stricken — but it helped me breathe through some agonzing moments. thka you gfor hearing me. I am still in shock. He has been charged and not arrested, so his drama ,his chaos, tries to reach us. Right now, on this Good Friday, I accept this journey of his, one that has been so long and dark is a result of his mental illness and addiction. But “why“ no longer matters what the result is still does. Still hurts. How much more can we take? We do suffer when one we love suffers. Christ on the cross is as good a symbol to meditate on today as any but in truth, I`ve always thought of Mary, his mother, watching and thought of her sorrow as the greater suffering. No one who loves their child wants to see them suffer, be lost in the grips of a disease or die. I know I am not alone in my suffering. But yes, I am tired of fighting for my own spirit. My heart has never been stony and I pray it will not turn to stone now. Today, I feel physically ill. I will meditate hard on the first part of this —feel holy healing spirit flow through me. Over me. Thank you all. A great gift from your mother.

Barbara
Barbara
9 years ago

Dearest Joy, my heart goes out to you, my friend. I, like Jane, feel your pain. We all do. As I say the stations of the cross today, I will think and pray for you and for all of us who have our own crosses to bear.

Jeremy’s heart of sweat is real, Libby. Your mother is speaking to you and Jeremy. May God bless you, Jeff, Jeremy and his family during this Easter holiday. Rejoice in God’s rising and rejoice in the blessings he has given to you and to all of us.

Hang in there, Joy. This may be the time your son gets clean.

My love to you,
Barbara

Libby Cataldi
Libby Cataldi
9 years ago

What a great comment from Barbara, “Hang in there. This may be the time your son gets clean.”

We never know! I used to rush in and help Jeff when I thought he was at his bottom, thinking, “OK, now is the time. He can’t get worse.” Then I learned the AA saying, “When I hit my bottom, the bottom fell out.” It always got worse! I was stunned, incredulous that our nightmare could continue.

Then I surrendered. I knew Jeff could die, but I also knew I could do nothing more. Barbara, you might have felt this way, too? I was used up, done and could do nothing else to fix, cajole or help. It was then that Jeff knew HE had to make the decision to live or die. Barbara, as I write these words, my heart breaks, again and again, for you.

Joy, only we can decide what to do. No one has answers, only hope and love.

We join you in prayer. Love to you,

L

Barbara
Barbara
9 years ago

I was spent (physically ill) when my son reached the age of 26. I had spent my entire life caring for him, loving him and learning how to deal with him. I thought I had to do this, because, after all, I was his mother. I nearly lost my husband of 38 years because of my son. I almost left him over it. But, it was him, that kept telling me over and over, that I needed to put my priorities in order. It was him who kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault. It was him who kept me grounded. Thank God, he saved me. He saved me from myself. And, I owe a lot to him.

We all don’t have a step-father or person who helps us make tough decisions. But, we have each other, here. Here is where we can be ourselves. We can be honest with each other. And, we owe this gift to Libby, the creator of this blog. Thank you so much for your loving heart and your loving words each week. They mean so much to me and all who come here.

May you all have a blessed Easter as we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection.

With lots of love,
Barbara

Libby Cataldi
Libby Cataldi
9 years ago

Dearest Barbara, I hope you know how much I admire your courage, strength and honesty. You provide for us the ultimate role model. Your sharing is powerful, and your reflections are powerful. We, as parents, try with all our might to ‘save’ our children, until we realize that we can’t save anyone. You are right that often we loose ourselves in the process of trying to save them. Then, all is lost.

My love to you on this blessed Easter day and on every day. Praying for a resurrection for Joy’s son and all our children suffering from this disease.

L

JOY
JOY
9 years ago

Dear ALL; I am so grateful for your prayers and healing words, Peace. Peace. Hope remains. Addiction cannot win in the face of faith and the faces of parents who have gone through this pain. LOVe bears all things. Barbara, like you, i have had this loving man beside me, —and when i finally told him today–that my son , his stepson was charged with trafficking so he could feed his habit — he took my hands and said, “this was inevitable — I knew, I’m not surprised and here we are. NEVER do that again ( withhold bad news ) We will get through this, okay? We knew this was coming.” Then I asked him to read all your words and he did -and I think he really understood the power of this community and what it means to me. A lapsed Catholic, he’s not so big on religion. but very big on Jesus’ message. Love one another. This forum made him see that message in action. Love to you, huge blessings and gratitude. I go to sleep on this uneasy night knowing there is a place I can talk.