My reaction to the above: The addict must learn to live in abstinence and that’s a new and scary place for him. He knows how to live in addiction, but abstinence requires skills that are foreign to him.
Relapse happened often to my son. I understood in a deeper way when Jeff wrote about a friend who relapsed, “I know that place. He was in pain, and it was too much. He used to kill it. Then he needs to keep using because the addiction has kicked in. An addict loses all sense of free will; you’re thrown back into the space of obsession, of always needing something more. I’m sure he’s scared and confused.”
Today’s Promise to Consider: Relapse scares me as a mom, but I will remember that it’s also frightening for my loved one. Learning to live in abstinence is his goal. Having the courage to stay close is mine.
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I am in the SAME exact place as the mom who wrote you- my son is also doing suboxone and counseling. Your reply and Today's Promise was more than helpful, Libby. I really needed to see and hear this today! God bless you and all of us as we continue on our journeys and stay close! XO
Dear Cheri,
Thanks for staying close! We are all in the journey together. We hold hands and take the next step forward. Love to you.
Libby
I TOO AM IN THE SAME PLACE WITH MY DAUGHTER. SHE IS IN REHAB RIGHT NOW. SHE GETS OUT ON TUESDAY AND GOING TO A HALF WAY HOUSE. I WANTED HER SO STAY A FEW HOURS AWAY FROM HOME AND SHE IS GOING TO ONE 15 MINUTES FROM HOME. I DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN BUT SHE WILL WANT ME TO COME ALL THE TIME. THIS WILL BE TOUGH LOVE,,,PRAY THAT I CAN GET THROUGH THIS! THANKS FOR BEING HERE!
Dear Traci,
You and your daughter are in our prayers. You might find this site helpful. I just read this and entry about avoiding the four M's of relapse. I thought it had some good information:
http://parentpathway.com/category/relapse-3/
Love and strength to you,
L
I too have been in this spot so many times. My son has gone to treatment, both inpatient and outpatient so many times and we have seen him go to sober homes, and come back to live with us after. He always relapsed sometimes quickly, sometimes a month or two later. it was so hard for me to watch. Relapse was more painful than watching him active. It was this loss of something so hopeful that left me so sad each time.
This week in Al Anon one of our members spoke about hope. I have felt much less hope for my son lately and I shared that. This fellow member said that we need to change our perspective from thinking about hope for them and bring it back to us. Hope for our recovery that we may be returned to sanity. The hope is for us to get well. Remember why we come to Al ANon-our own recovery. We cannot change their situation as much as we try and wish and pray. We must change ours and help ourselves to recover. Hope for us, because we have ALL suffered with this disease so much. It swallows us all up.
Prayers for their situation. God may be able to help them change their situation if they are open to do his will.
Libby thank you for the new website to look at, and my love and prayers for all of you today.
God Bless
Jane
Thanks libby for the words, "Having the courage to stay close." Courage is the difficult part for me.
Jane, Thanks for the words, "Hope for our recovery that we may be returned to sanity." I particularly like the words "may be returned" means , to me, that God is doing this for me when I ask. I also have hope for his recovery but try not to have expectations because they are two different things that often get blurred for me.
Dear Jane, Your words are so true, "addiction swallows us up." If I hadn't found my Al-Anon group, I would have been lost.
Dear Paula, I agree that courage is the difficult part - difficult for us and difficult for them. I remember Jeff saying to me, "You believe in me more than I believe in myself." I'm not sure I believed because I had courage or because I didn't know what else to do.
Hope is fragile, but where there is life, there is hope.
My love to you both,
L
Hi Libby...what a beautiful picture of you and Jeff.
It gives me hope...for both my son and myself.
I am finding, more and more, that I am UNABLE to stay close. It has come back to bite me over and over again. Sometimes I think it takes courage (and strength) to detach.
Staying close and detaching has been a terrible struggle for me lately.
I thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers,
Love, Nanci
Dear Nanci,
I understand. Dr. MacAfee says that staying close is also about boundaries. Staying close means, "I love you, but I won't give you money. I love you, but if you're using, you can't come home. I love you, but I will stay out of the chaos of your addiction."
As Jane writes above - we cannot change their situation; we can only change ours.
When Jeff was very sick, I stayed close but out of the way. He says I became "suspiciously calm." (interesting word choice, I think). He says that he knew our family was there for him, but that there was no money. He had to choose to fight for his sobriety or die.
Everyday I am grateful that he chooses to fight. Everyday I pray that he has the strength to continue. I know it's his choice.
Hope this makes sense. With love,
L
Nancy I can sympathize with how you feel. It can be very daunting to stay close because when we do we have to spend so much energy being on guard with boundaries. I am a nurturer by nature and I had to go almost to the opposite of what my natural personality was like in order to not enable my son. It is hard to be so on guard. I don't have to be that way for my other son. It therefore makes me feel sad at how differently I have to be with them. I don't know if it will be that way forever but it is that way now.And yes Nancy, it takes a lot of courage and strength to detach. If you cannot stay close right now that is ok. It is ok to be hatever you have to be right now in order for you to be well. If detaching in anger is all you can do today than detach in anger. Just detach. Detaching with love may be a goal for another day. The point is to focus on you and your wellbeing right now. As we get well our children may get the message that we don't want this chaos in our lives.
In the meantime I will keep all of us in my daily prayer. Love Jane