Dr. MacAfee on the pain of addiction: “Addiction is extraordinary psychic pain. The addict is trapped inside his use. Drugs were once the escape to all his problems until they become his prison. Addiction is like a bad love affair: A love gone sour. Once the addict sees the trap – the trap of ‘no hope without dope’ – he must literally fight for his life. There is hard-fought wisdom at the end of the battle.”
My reflection: I’m reminded of a conversation I had with Jeff. I told him, “You are wise, wiser than I am. Your addiction taught you so much. Thanks for teaching me.” His response, “That’s because I’ve come from a place you’ve never been – thankfully. My wisdom is born from a place of intense pain. It’s one of the silver linings of addiction.”
Today’s Promise to consider: The addict is trapped inside the prison of addiction. What was once a party becomes his personal hell. I have great respect for those who are able to fight this battle and find their recovery. Peace and wisdom are on the other side.
I have learned so much from you and Jeff. When I was living the hell of Jason’s active addiction, I was just angry. Angry at the disease, the drug, the drug dealer and most of all Jason. I now know that while anger is a natural reaction, I should have dug a little deeper and found compassion. (I don’t beat myself up about this, I know I did the best I could.)Through some heart to heart conversations with Jason and your story and Jeff’s story, I now know that NO ADDICT EVER CHOOSES TO BE AN ADDICT. To be enslaved like that is a horrible existence and I now have a new-found compassion for all addicts, especially my son. I thank you so much for all you have taught me. Much love and many thanks!
I, too, saw the pain that addiction brought to my son. Like Penny, I have great respect for an addict who pulls himself out of it. Jeff, you are one of them. I have great respect for you (and your mother).
Compassion isn’t easy to come by when addiction is what you want to be compassionate about. It’s difficult for us to understand unless we’ve been there. Compassion doesn’t come easy to the addict. He (she) has to want the compassion to get off the drugs.
In my opinion, understanding should come first, then compassion. If one understands the addiction and what it’s doing to them and their family, the addict then deserves the compassion they need so desperately.
Drugs trap the addict. And, when they are trapped in drugs, they are in hell.
If only my son would have realized the entrapment, got help so he could actually “feel” the compassion, he may still be alive and well. He tried so many times to get off the drugs but the relapses were stronger and stole his spirit away from him. He no longer has to struggle with that. His spirit is with God, now.
I pray for the addicts who are trapped in their disease and need help. I pray for people who are close to the addict to find their compassion to help them. Because, when the addict feels compassion from someone else, because of his disease, he will want to get better. He will no longer feel alone in his hell.
God Bless you all,
Barbara
I am giving a presentation next month to a group of parents of addicted children and I am definitely going to incorporated the wisdom in Penny and Barbara’s posts.
Your words are priceless!
I am in awe of Jeff’s statement, “My wisdom is born from a place of intense pain. It’s one of the silver linings of addiction.” My thought was, he is who he is today because of his experiences and the wisdom to take those experiences and use them to help others as well as himself.
Jeff’s experiences, Libby’s book, her Blog and the wisdom of my fellow travelers here have helped me to grow my own recovery. In addition, your words gives me strength to continue to fight the good fight.
You have no idea the good you are doing, all of you. I take the wisdom and experiences here and pass them on to numerous other parents who are just beginning this journey. I know you do the same.
I know many parents who read this Blog but do not post so the important message of hope and understanding is being communicated.
So, I say post! Poor your heart out because this is one place where you are loved and understood.
Prayers for all of us.,
Pat, you reminded me that I came here often before I ever posted.
To any one who might be here for the first time– Libby and Jeff and Jeremy gave me hope. Hope when I had none. Hope when my spirit was almost swallowed by this disease too – I was so fearful of losing my son to drugs. So hurt. So angry. So confused. So guilty. What did I do ? What didn’t I do? Why was he so wounded? Mostly -I was scared. Sixteen years of fear. Then I found Jane and Barbara and Pat and others and from their courage and wisdom I grew. I knew I was not alone. I went to Al-anon. I first posted as Hope and have changed my name to Joy. Through months of agony I came here, through times of hope– through relapses and jail. My son is out of jail, ten months clean- the longest since he was 19. He is learning how to live without drugs. He has hope. He knows it is a journey. So do we. Of course I am afraid, but I will not let my fear rule my life or go to the worst case scenario. One day at a time.
I thank God for this place and have always felt real love here. And support.
“Wisdom of intense pain.” Tonight a stranger, out of the blue said to me– “you have a nice … energy ,or aura , you know ?” I looked at her and for some reason I said : Thank you, it’s hard won.” She said , ” It always is. ”
Here’s to the hard own wisdom we all have, and for those who right now feel only pain and feel no hope, pray or scream or go for a run – know that you need to take care of you. And you REALLY can stay close and stay out of the chaos. Love never dies.
I often find myself thinking…if my pain is this bad what kind of pain and suffering does my daughter have. I have friends, family and a busy life that helps keep me going.
I can’t even imagine what she goes through on a daily basis, the pain of withdrawal, the shame, the hunger, the loneliness. At first I was angry with her but as I have tried to understand this disease I have learned to be compassionate and my pain is now more about her suffering than mine.
I just wish I could help her through this but I know it is her journey and I pray she will find her silver lining.
Sue
Dear Sue
Your words regarding your daughters pain versus your pain hit me in my heart for I remember the pain I felt, and every time I thought of the pain my son felt. It was overwhelming at times to think of what he felt on top of what I was feeling. I also remember the phrase said to me at different times, “never deny an addict his pain”. We never know what will make them finally choose sobriety and recovery. I remember my son telling me he was sick with the drug and sick without it. Trapped is what that meant. Painfully trapped. I was also trapped until I decided to excuse myself from the cycle of chaos. The pain slowly started to lessen. I have tremendous compassion for my son. I ache for the difficulty he must always deal with. I pray for his strength and ours. I pray God embraces him every day and that he embraces God for without God we are nowhere.
Barbara , joy, Pat, and Penny, I appreciate all of your sharing. Lots of wisdom in this shared experience. To Jeff and Libby, thank you for leading us each week. I have such respect for you.
Love
Jane
Dear Libby,
We haven’t heard from you in a while. I’m praying that you are ok and well.
Love you and miss you,
Barbara
Dear Barbara,
Thanks for thinking about me and for praying for me and my family. All is well. The comments for this entry are so very powerful. Through all our pain, love wins. Wisdom comes from pain. And you, our dear friend, suffered the greatest pain. Your faith and sharing continue to inspire me.
Pat is correct. Jeff is who he is because of the long-fought journey from addiction to health. I pray that tomorrow he chooses well. I stay humble and grateful. What might Jeff have become if not for addiction? What might we, our family, have been? We’ll never know and I move forward in faith that we are exactly where we are meant to be.
I love you all and I am deeply grateful that we are together, holding hands, fighting the good fight to stay close and out of the chaos. Addiction and death could have turned us into hateful people, but the diabolical forces didn’t beat us down. Instead, we held hands and grew stronger. Pretty amazing. In the end, love wins.
And I love you all,
L
Dear Libby,
Your posting was so powerful, I cried. They were tears of sadness, joy, truth, and love.
I’m glad all is well with you. You bring great insight to your blog. You are right. Where would we be if not for addiction in our lives. We ARE stronger and I’m deeply grateful that we are still holding hands and that love does win. It’s what keeps us together.
I learn from each and every one of you who post and share in this forum, and I thank you all.
With love and deep respect for you, Libby. And, for all of you who share your deepest feelings. I’m so inspired by all of you.
Barbara
Love you Barbara