A young man in recovery wrote to me: Anger is a clear and abrupt signal that something is wrong. I’m learning to respond to my anger by:

1) Not reacting in the moment. When I feel “hot,” let it sit – like a baking tray coming out of the oven.

2) Examining the anger when I’ve cooled down. What about it caused me to respond so negatively? What role did I play in the situation? What insights do my sponsor and support group have?

3) Taking action. How can I respond in a wise and constructive way to the problem?

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, there were countless times when I erupted in anger. I felt powerless and didn’t know what to do with the rage that engulfed me. My explosions helped no one – not me, my family, or my son.

Today’s Promise to consider: Anger is a normal response and, with addiction, one that seems to come easily. It can be constructive if it causes us to take good action, but it can also blind us from making smart choices. For me, I’ve learned that anger is usually a kind of fire blanket that covers up my deeper emotions of fear, insecurity, or hurt. Today, I won’t be overwhelmed by anger, but I will pause, think, and pray for clarity. Those persons in recovery have much to teach us. Let me try this young man’s three steps.

A mom wrote to me, I worked harder for my son’s recovery than he did, and I always came up empty. When I finally let go and allowed him to feel the dignity of his triumphs and pain of his failures, things changed. Just for today he chooses recovery. So do I.

My reflection: This mom’s words resonated strongly with me because for many years I, too, worked harder for my son’s recovery than he did. When he was living on the streets and brushing his teeth at the Seven Eleven, I thought, “He has hit his bottom,” so I rushed to get him into rehab. When he got arrested for the umpteenth time, I bailed him out and forced him into yet another treatment center. Nothing changed.

Today’s Promise to consider: As much as I wanted to save my son, to rescue him from the consequences of his addiction, and to pick him up when he fell, none of my attempts helped. In the end, HE had to make the choice to change his life, and I had to make mine. There was only room for one person in his addiction and that didn’t include me.

A mom wrote to me: My son told me that his many years of rehab, talking with friends and family, AA, and all the other attempts to get clean seemed to have fallen on his deaf ears, but in reality they all contributed to his decision to change his life. In other words, not one thing made the difference, but the accumulation of things made a difference. I never thought of it that way, and this gives me hope. From now on, I will never underestimate the potential power of my words, his support systems, rehab, AA, counseling, or any other intervention. Any or all of these might end up being a big part of his decision to choose health.

My reflection: For fourteen years, I searched for the one thing that would change the course of my son’s illness. I finally realized that it wasn’t mine to find. 

Today’s Promise to consider: We all want to find the ‘magic bullet’ that will change the course of addiction, the one thing that will make the difference and bring our loved ones back to life. For fourteen years, I searched for that elusive and miraculous power. In time, I learned that there was no Holy Grail, but that all the interventions in his life would accumulate to make a difference: from good things like AA, spirituality, the Big Book, friends, family, to bad ones like jail, loss of jobs, and destroyed relationships. But the most important thing I learned was that the final decision was his, and only his.