Dominique said: In all relationships, no matter how wonderful they are, there is need to forgive. We hurt each other, sometimes when we don’t even know it: It’s part of being human. Forgiving is not about forgetting. The wounds don’t magically heal. Forgiving is to wish well to the person who harmed us, meaning we wish them fullness of heart and a clarity of mind that aspires to wisdom. Forgiving is not an emotional state. It is an act of willful love that ultimately sets us free, for only in loving are we truly free.
My reaction: During Jeff’s addiction, the pain was extraordinary and I felt lots of emotions, including anger. That anger led to deep-held resentments against many people, including Jeff. I thought I could never forgive, but when Jeff entered recovery, honesty broke the back of the resentments between us and we made amends to each other. For the others whom I did not confront, I’m learning to let go and forgive. Sure, I remember what happened, but the fire in my belly is fading.
Today’s Promise to consider: Forgiveness doesn’t mean I forget the hurts and it doesn’t mean that I give the person a ‘pass’ to hurt me again. It’s up to me to enforce my personal boundaries. Forgiveness is an act of willful love. Today I’ll work to let go of the pain and I will pray for the people who played a part in causing them.
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Dear Libby,
Until reading this week's meditation, I never really thought about the people who played a part in my son's addiction. Thank you for reminding me to forgive them and to pray for them.
I have found that you can never find peace within yourself unless you can forgive. It took lots of years for me to forgive my Father for abusing me. It took lots of years for me to forgive myself for not protecting my younger siblings from the abuse. I also had to forgive my mother for not protecting me.
Life is the biggest journey we will take. I think that forgiving is the secret to our inner peace. I thank God, everyday, for without my prayer and his guidance, I would not have be able to "feel" the overwhelming peace in my soul. That peace is forgiveness.
With much love and respect,
Barbara
Dearest Barbara,
Your wisdom and strength touch me deeply. You have suffered mightily and, through the pain, you have grown stronger. Sometimes I look at my life and feel its heaviness. Then I go to an Al-Anon meeting or read a post on our blog, and I know that I'm lucky. Yes, life is difficult for many of us and it is, at times, unbearable. But by reaching out a hand to another, we can hold on (if even for a moment) and celebrate life again. Jeff says what you say - that his Higher Power gives him peace. I'll start my daily routine again today, pray and write, and I'll think of you. Thanks, dear friend.
With love and respect,
L
Forgiving......a very difficult yet freeing event. It takes time to heal enough in order to forgive. It takes work to be ready to forgive, and it takes maturity. Barbara you are so right when you say it is the secret to our inner peace.
When my father was sick, on dialysis, and I had to get him to treatments, doctors etc, our time together taught me that he was a vulnerable human being like the rest of us. He did the best he could as a Dad, and always had difficulty showing his emotion and love. It was so evident to me in his last years and so freeing to finally see it all there in plain view. I had to forgive him for his humanness.
Illness can be a silver lining in some relationships. My Dads illness was just that and it was very healing.
My sons illness of addiction has been another journey, and of course a different kind of relationship for me. But similar in many respects to the feelings involved. Anger, disappointment, sadness, grief.
Life is our biggest journey.
It is a waste of time to remain angry. But one has to be willing to do the footwork in order to forgive
Jane
Thanks Barbara, Jane and all who post here. You are true blessings to me in my continuing journey of recovery, as the parent of an addicted child.
In the early stages of my child's substance abuse I was slowly transformed and eventually controlled by the evil of addiction; as my son became addicted to drugs I became addicted (codependant) to my son.
I, of course, went through the negative stages such as anger, fear, depression and all the rest. However, when the pain became too great I cried out to God. This began my journey back to my true self and who I was meant to be which eventually lead me to the gift of forgiveness.
Thus began my grieving process, grieving for the loss of the child of my dreams.
I was lead, I believe, by my God to the Families Anonymous support group where I found a sponsor and I did the hard work of recovery.
I continue to work the Twelve Steps of Families Anonymous today.
I pray daily for my continued recovery, faith and hope. I pray for all hurting parents.
Never give up hope!
Dear Libby,
Of course you may use my words, anytime. I am honored by it.
Dear Pat and Jane,
I look forward to reading each of your entries every week. I still learn very much from your journeys.
What always consumed me when my son was in active addiction was the anger. Now I've learned that anger will only steal the spirit from your soul. It will destroy you, if you allow it. As I overcame the anger, the grief set in. And the grief is a huge process to go through. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever get through it.
Thank you so much for your support over the years. It means so much to me.
Love,
Barbara
Dear Libby,
I love your words, "forgiveness is an act of love, wishing well to the person who harmed us (fullness of heart and clarity of mind)..."
I have found 'the act of forgiveness' to be particularly difficult as one of the addicts in my life continues to make bad choices (that affect our family, other children and marriage). Your meditation is a constant reminder of the interpersonal work I must continue. I just don't know how to (repeatedly) forgive someone who has created so much chaos in my family. There doesn't seem to be a 'rest period', always a challenge and a personal struggle, especially since he is my beloved son.
Thanks to all of you who continue to share your experience, strength and hope. I am so grateful to you, Alanon and Libby,
Love,
Nanci
P.S Not sure why my responses are 'Anonymous' now?
Hi Libby, I need your help desperately, my 24 year old son is been using percoct for almost 4 years. he was a college football player and very successful at the time. he got arrested for theft 2 years ago and he is on the last months of his probation. He was doing much better since last year that he graduated from college and started job hunting. He couldn't find any job with his background. I was giving him pocket money and he has his car. This Christmas eve he came to me and started crying and he said I need help, I go to rehab, I do what ever. I didn't know he is back to using and this time he advanced to injecting himself. My whole family was devastated, I have 2 other sons one older than him and one younger. I am a nurse manager and my husband is university professor. My husband thinks that he needs to put this behind and if he does not he will kick him out of the house. I am thinking he needs help and support to be able to do that. We took him to suboxone clinic so he can stop this addiction, he was taking suboxone and at the same time using drugs so we stop taking him to this clinic. Last week we talked to him about going to rehab and at the beginning he said ok but he refused to go when it was time. he said if his PO find out he will arrest him and put him in jail. My husband got so mad and got physical with him and throw him on the floor, my son started crying and left the house. He was just wearing t shirt and pants and ti was 5 pm and 15 degree outside. he has no money, no one to go to. I jumped in my car and drove around and found him walking and crying on the street. I brought him back to the house. My husband is not talking to me and he is upset with both of us because he want him out. My house is so stress full and I don't know what to do. Please help me
Dear Fay,
You are not alone. Unfortunately, many of us on Libby's forum and been (and are currently) in your same situation. Very important...have you been to an Alanon meeting? If not, I would strongly recommend this. It has saved my life/soul and has given me strength/hope regardless of what choices the addict(s) in my life make. It has also helped me learn how to detach, with love...very, very difficult concept, especially as a mother.
Keep in touch, we are all in this together,
Love,
Nanci
Dear Nanci,
Thanks for your comments. It's always nice to see you here. Not sure why your comments are 'anonymous,' but mine did the same thing. I needed to sign back in and then it worked. Regardless, please keep writing. Your name brings us comfort.
Love to you,
Libby