A mom asks Dr. MacAfee: I understand what you write, “Recovery is always an individual endeavor and also requires a supportive community.” I also know how hard it has been to love my son unconditionally through all the rehabs, failed attempts, restarts, continued use and damage to relationships. My husband and I are trying hard to support his current attempt at recovery. I know the road is very difficult for the addict and my heart breaks for my son, but I also have a broken heart for the rest of us. So much healing is needed. How does healing happen?
Dr. MacAfee responds: We all want healing to be an end game, but it doesn’t happen that way. Healing comes a layer at a time. For some, healing is totally dependent on the sobriety of the addict and this highlights the difference between helping and enabling.
To the mom above, you might say to your child, “I have discovered that there is only room for one of us in your addiction. I have decided to leave you in charge of the consequences of your addiction. Ironically, I find this decision both terrifying and liberating, but also healing. I want you to be whole again and I fear all our help has stood in your way. It’s hard for me to face my getting out of your way, but I realize that it is healing for you, too.”
Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close, love my child and not abandon him, but I will get out of the way of the chaos of his addiction. My peace will come from knowing that I’ve done everything I could have done. I will endure and pray.
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I feel it is next to impossible for us to get out of our children's way unless we have grieved the loss of the child of our dreams.
Parents of a child who is addicted to alcohol or other drugs must deal with their loss in much the same way as parents whose child physically has been lost.
Unfortunately, with parents of an addicted child, the grieving is repeated over and over with every relapse the child experiences on his/her path to long-term recovery.
There are three stages of grief for parents:
The first is shock and denial, then anger and depression. The last stage is understanding and acceptance, this stage is best accomplished through 12 step support groups like Families Anonymous and/or Al-Anon. In prayer for all of us and our children.
I absolutely agree with every word you wrote Pat. It was not till I reached a stage of acceptance that I had in fact lost the son I believed I had that I could start to accept the son I have now. There are some days I still have vacillated in acceptance so Dr Macafee is so right when he says it happens in layers . It has taken a decade of experiences, and all the stages of grief. I sometimes think it is about chronic sorrow too. Google that and you may agree. Love to you all on this journey
Jane
Dear Pat and Jane,
Your thoughts are powerful. I received a note from a dad about this post and his words echo our feelings. He wrote:
"Can't believe how much I disliked my son in his addiction. My healing was very dependent on his changing his behavior. It was a looooong time before I trusted his changes. A long time before I could let go of my anger at his decisions. A long time before WE became whole again. Yes a layer at a time."
Healing - a layer at a time. I find that I need to be patient with myself.
Love to you,
L
How I can relate to all of your words. I had such a horrible time accepting my son's addiction. I spent years in the first and second stages of grief (as Pat stated). I got out of my son's way by completely washing my hands of him, for years at a time, while he was in active addiction (which was most of his life). He knew I loved him, but he also was intelligent enough to know that I needed get on with my life, with my husband and daughter.
The physical loss of my son was so final, it's difficult to put into words. Sometimes, I wish I had the chaos back. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I wish I could hear his voice, just one more time, asking me for money.
Healing does come in layers, and this forum is one of the layers for me.
Thank you all for the support and words of wisdom.
God bless you and all of our children who suffer from addiction.
Barbara
I read all the comments, and was brought to tears.
Then I came home from work and read it to my husband,
and cried again.
I will look up chronic sorrow, that sounds just about where
I'm at.
Just when I start to feel a bit stronger, my 19 year old son
who is in detox , told me he doesn't want to go to rehab again.
He has never been to detox before, and doesn't like much.
I don't know what he expected!?
I am still grieving the loss of the life he could have had.
Right now, I'll accept just a person who wants to live. No expectations,
only that.
Hello Barbara
I send you my hugs tonight. You have suffered the ultimate grief . My good friend in al anon has as well. It is so very final. My heart is sad for you . Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with us.. I look toward to your comments
I had coffee with my son tonight he and my husband are triggers for each other neither one has good boundary setting. My son said to me I don't think I'll ever get ahead I'm so depressed about that". He doesn't see that he spent a decade ruining himself and that doesn't change quickly.
Libby I tried to just stay close tonight- shared some love and gave a little motherly advice ever so softly. It's all I can do I cannot fix it
Debbie- when my son was in detox and he expressed being so depressed I called the guy who did the intervention and shared that with him. I remember him saying back out and let him feel the feelings and you go to your meetings. Do as much Al Anon as you can fit in to keep the focus on you. Sometimes it takes all our energy just to breath.
Love to you all
Jane
Dear Jane, thank you so much for the hugs and your kind words of support. I appreciate the friendship you have given to me all these years. It sounds like you're doing as much as you can to stay close to your son without getting in the way. His depression is real and understandable. I pray he keeps moving forward to climb out of it.
Dear Debbie, Jane has good advice. Smother yourself with Al Anon and any other support group for that matter. It can be so healing. You can't change the way your son feels about going to rehab and you certainly can't force him to go. But, you can help yourself. So, dry your eyes, until he decides to get into recovery. He may think he can do it by himself, but someday, he'll realize he can't.
With lots of love,
Barbara
Thank you, Libby, for sharing Dr. MacAfee's thoughts and wisdom on such an incredibly difficult topic. How does a parent ever heal, recover from so many years of emotional, physical and spiritual pain? I like what Dr. MacAfee says, "Healing comes a layer at a time." We must give ourselves some grace.
However, it is so painful when the family, spouses, are not on the same page. Not good for anyone.
Alanon has taught me that I can find peace, serenity and recovery, one day, one hour at a time. I trust the program and I value the wisdom in these rooms.
Blessings to you, Libby...always to you, Barbara, Jane, Pat and all the other parents who continue to suffer in silence.
Love, Nanci
On the eve of my son’s 26th birthday, instead of planning a celebration for him, I find myself searching the local jail rosters in hopes of finding his name on one… Sadley, I do not find his name. Even sadder, I want very badly to find it, there, on a jail roster. My son’s name is Michael and he is a heroin addict. I realize that I must learn to accept that my son may live and die as drug addict… I know in my heart that I have done everything that I possibly can – I’m not giving up, I am giving in… Giving in to the fact that I have no control over my son’s addiction and all that goes along with it. I can no longer let myself be a part of the “Chaos of Mike.” The heartbreak is unbearable. It is unbearable not knowing where he is. It is unbearable when he is present. I am hopeful that I can find a way to stay close. I find comfort in this site...
Thank you.
Susan
Dear Susan
I will pray tonight for you and your son as I close my eyes. I feel your pain and we have all lived it. You nailed it when you say it is unbearable when they are present and unbearable when they are active and on the street. May God help relieve that pain.
Love
Jane