From left to right: Son Jeff, Aunt Darlene, Uncle/Brother JF, Grandmom/Mom Laura, Nephew Bob, Niece Rebecca, Son Jeremy
My brother wrote this and it touched me. Following is an excerpt: “Hi, Dad. I have another question for you, but you should be honored because you’re the first person I think of to ask any tricky question….”
My daughter. Another in a long line of e-mail questions from my accomplished, 27-year-old daughter, Rebecca, who, despite her youth, has traveled the world. She now works for an organization that occasionally sends her to central Pakistan to work with Muslim female schools (madrasas) to try to show them how many Islamic views are similar to Christian ones, to effect a dialogue. I told her, “Beck, I know you get excited about this, but it’s pretty tough on the Old Man until you get back.” She said, “Dad, don’t you understand? It’s the confidence that you’ve always showed in me that gives me the courage to do all this stuff.”
Confidence…courage…to go into hostile areas…I gave her that? I raised her with two principles: that I loved her completely, and that would never, and could never, change. (Which doesn’t mean that I didn’t discipline her a ton of times growing up. I did. All kids need that. Doesn’t affect the love.) The other principle was that she had to be a good person. She had to do the right thing.
As for me, I don’t much care when I die, (but) I want to have time to say goodbye to my loved ones. I want enough time for Beck to get to me from whatever far-flung outpost she happens to be. I want to tell her I love her one more time. Maybe she’ll ask me a question. After all, I’m her Dad.
(To read the original: http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/first-person-fathers-and-daughters-329029/)
Today’s Promise to consider: Parents and our children: Fathers and daughters, mothers and sons. I love my sons, and that can never and will never change. I know they are good persons and I pray they always do the right thing. After all, I’m their mom.
As parents, we pray that our children always do the right thing. But, when they don’t, we must let them know how we (as parents) are affected by the wrong doing. If we don’t do that, no matter what the consequence, our children cannot learn from us. And, cannot learn from their mistakes. We must teach them courage, strength, humility and hope.
I know my son was a really good person. He showed it in so many ways. There wasn’t a stray animal in his neighborhood that he didn’t feed, even if he didn’t have enough to feed himself.
Addiction sucked the life out of my son. It was stronger than he was.
I am blessed with a 40 year old (beautiful) daughter. And, I know in my heart, she loves me very much. I will forever be grateful for her in my life. I am thankful she calls on me for advice. It’s a lifelong learning process for her, and I’m so glad to be a part of it.
With love and prayers for our children in distress,
Barbara
Dear Libby,
Thank you for sharing your family pictures with us. I love it!
Love you,
Barbara
Dear Barbara,
You are wise. Yes, it’s a lifelong learning process for our children and for us. Sometimes I wish my lessons would end (seems like I’m destined to learn lessons the hard way :)), but I know life is about learning to be better, always.
One of Jeff’s sponsors told him, “You made a mistake. OK, do the next right thing.” This made a lot of sense to me – for Jeff and for me, too. We all make mistakes, but we can try to do the ‘next right thing.’
My love to you and your daughter,
L
Dear Barbara
I can only imagine your son as a beautiful and good person with a horrible disease. He can only be good coming from you. Your goodness shines through this blog. Yes you are right in saying the addiction was stronger than him it is powerful..most are not strong enough. That’s why the statistics on recovery are slim. I am happy for you that your daughter is there for you. Be well.
Love
Jane
ahh Jane, u nailed it with your thoughts of Barbara, her kind goodness DOES shine thru her words! I can’t begin 2imagine the pain she is in, yet she shares regularly & I look forward to her words as I do others that share often though I never catch myself skimming thru her words. Her thoughts & experiences have helped me to “deal”.
I once read *what you do next……Thank you Libby for reminding me “what you do next matters”!
Dear Barbara,
I agree with Jane and Rickie that your goodness, light and love shine through in your messages. You remind us to cherish what is important in life and you share your strength and determination to go forward each and every day.
Yes, addiction sucks the life out of our children and it is stronger than anyone is strong. The majority of recovery communities in Italy are three to five years, and the recovery rate is 83%. In the US, the majority of recovery centers are 30 days and the recovery rate is 30%. Recovery takes time. It’s a victory that people try again and again to stay sober.
Prayers for all of those who are fighting with this disease…and for those who love them.
Love to you all.
Thank you Libby for sharing the statistics. It makes sense to do it the way it is done in Italy. The outcomes show it’s worth.
J
Dear Jane, You’re right. Settling into sobriety takes time: Time away from the drugs, time to find your soul again, time to develop new ways of being. My son refused to come to Italy, “Three to five years,” he yelled. “Are you crazy?” But the stats support long-term recovery. It just makes sense.
Prayers for all of our children,
L
Dear Libby, Jane and Rickie,
I am so humbled by your kind words. I can’t tell you how much your comments mean to me. I have learned so much from all of you. You have helped me through some of my toughest days and keep me focused on the future.
Thank you all for being here for me.
With love and deep respect,
Barbara
Dear Libby,
I had no idea the long term recovery rate in Italy is far greater than the U.S. But, it makes sense (30 days versus 3 years). Thank God Jeff is part of the 30%.
Love you,
Barbara
Dear Barbara,
We are all better for your involvement and your contributions. You make us better.
Love you!
L
Dear All,
A great quote, “Sometimes it’s necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness…until it flowers again from within.” To read the rest of the article: http://treatmenttalk.org/the-beauty-of-recovery/
My love to all,
L
Hi Libby,
Thank you for the above link… helpfulhttp://treatmenttalk.org/the-beauty-of-recovery
UGH!!! After a couple of good weeks with my son and getting to a point of feeling a mere moment of peace, I spent all of last night in the emergency room with him… I feel myself crossing a line right now… A friend stated to me this morning: “You may ‘hit bottom’ before he does and that could be a good thing for him in the long run”. She is probably right.
Need to “transition”, somehow, soon… from my current way of thinking and being – I have never been a “quitter”. Still not. Not ready to give up but ready to seek change. In a big way. (Easier said than done!)
Just trying to figure out how to “stay of of the way” while staying close, yet still trying to help. So confusing. So hard. My son, in his crazy, drug-induced state of being, accused me of being “too strong”… So much more to the story, all stories, I know.
I would love to ‘walk away’, or, at least take a step back, for now… But making the mental (and physical) leap to this as feeling “OK” seems impossible at the moment. I am all my son has, right now. TRULY. Just me. Wish this were not the case.
Just ran across this:
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.
The most certain way to succeed is
always to try just one more time.”
– Thomas Edison
I will never give up, I do however need to give up on old ways of helping and thinking. (Of thinking that what I am currently doing is helping???)
Susan
Susan my thoughts are with you, having been there in the chaos so many times especially after a moment of calm. We all must find our way with this. No one right way except we must all find a way to keep the oxygen mask on our face first. Self care. As you find your way. Don’t let it suffocate you. Love you all
Lucky/blessed the daughters who had a Dad like this. I did. I still miss his wisdom.
Libby—ao much love here on this site for each other. Susan,the other day I thought that those of us living with someone recovering were really living in a construction zone -or maybe re-construction zone is better.. Tearing down, building up, finding spaces for windows to let more light in. We are all under renovation. We need “heart” helmets instead of hard helmets. Because yes we need protection. I think slowly I am learning to feel what I feel when I am feeling it. Even if I wish I could be different. Own the anger. Find a way to use it. Cry a bucket and be sad even if I’d rather be happy. We are where we are. Who knew this would part of our journey? Jane is so right– there is no blueprint –we are all discovering as we go. But we are not alone. Not alone. And many of us have been for a very long time. Tonight, breathe in deeply and know you blessed mother are not alone. Some day, it might feel like we are dancing in our truth not thinking at all! (instead of questioning what we do ,how and when with a mind in overdrive jackhammer mode)it helps to imagine a peaceful place. It really makes me sloooooow down. After panic times, slowing down is part of the healing. Belly Breathe-ing in. Beaming prayers,
Thanks Jane, Thanks Hope…
So good to read what you both had to say.
Hope, I love even the thought of your statement: “Some day, it might feel like we are dancing in our truth, not thinking at all!”
Jane, a good reminder about finding my oxygen mask.
Selfishly, I just wish my son could be somebody’s elses problem for a minute. I pray that someday, I can look at my son and not see him as a “problem”… (Negativity born from exhaustion.)
I will dig deep tonight and be grateful… Grateful that my son is wanting help. That he is here and safe.
G’Night.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
There is much wisdom here offered by Hope and Jane and others. The oxygen mask metaphor (I’d never heard it before – thanks, Jane) is a great one. I’ve also found lots of wisdom in the work of Father Martin of Father Martin’s Ashley. This was Jeff’s first stop among his 14 or so recovery centers, and although he didn’t find his recovery there, he and I both agree that Father Martin had lots of things right. He talks about alcoholism, but drugs are drugs. I’ve included the link here. Maybe you’ll find something in it that helps bring you comfort. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0ugTOXv0Y4
Let’s keep each other and our children in our prayers. You are not alone. With love and respect.
Dear Susan,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I also have been there many times with my son. If you are all he has, be with him, but don’t coddle him. Don’t be afraid to let him know that you love him, but are disappointed in him.
Libby has many resources, hopefully you can find some comfort in them. I know just how you feel. How many times I wished my son was somebody else’s problem, and not for just one minute! The pain is unbearable and you just want it to go away, even if it’s just for a minute.
Dear Jane, you’re so right about the oxygen mask and don’t let it suffocate you. Great advice.
Love to all,
Barbara
Dear All,
As you can probably see some of the times I have written here (EST), I am restless and can’t sleep these last few days. Tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of my son’s overdose and death. I have been burying myself in books to keep my mind occupied and praying lots of rosaries.
I want to thank you all for your support over these years. It means so much to me and my heart is lighter because of it.
I want to thank you, Jane. You have been through so much and your courage and compassion never ceases to amaze me. You have made me better. You are very special to me.
My dearest Libby, thank for starting this forum, for without you, I would never have met such amazing people. You are also very special to me and I hope someday we will meet each other in person.
I ask you all to say a prayer for me tomorrow. I don’t usually ask for prayers, but I know if I ask you all here, I will receive them.
All my love,
Barbara
Thank you, again, Libby and Barbara… And “All”…
This “chatting” helps in the ‘sanity department’.
Making progress towards Al-Anon… I will get there.
Father Martin’s videos’ are wonderful… The ‘enabling light bulb’ is getting brighter; so difficult to distinguish between helping versus enabling at times, yet so simple, really.
My son will hopefully be getting into rehab soon… If he (not ME…???) works hard enough at it. Either way, he will also probably end up in jail, with a felony charge. This is so hard to stomach… My eternal good girl syndrome really fights this, for him first, but it is not my fight. Drug addicts already have so many challenges to overcome and with current economic conditions, my son will have to over-compensate in some way, to try and become self sufficient. Oh well, fretting about ‘THAT’ today, will be wasteful of time and energy.
Thank you all, for the emails, the links leading to good information and the love and prayers.
Love,
Susan
Dear Barbara,
Thanks for “asking”… Tomorrow will be full of prayers for you… I liked Hope’s way of putting it… “Beaming Prayers” your way. Just knowing (a little) about what you must go through every day and especially tomorrow, reminds me to cherish time with my son… Because presently, “liking” my son, is very hard right now.
Love,
Susan
Barbara :
May you feel the continued healing power of our prayers and know today especially you are held in our hearts and minds. I hope that knowledge-that you are not alone –and that we appreciate your words and wisdom helps lifts some of the weight of sorrow. Your generous spirit has not swallowed by this sorrow and that -to me– is something of a miracle. Gives me courage to face whatever comes next. Thank you for being here for us– and reminding me that the love we have (for those who have the disease of addiction) never dies.
Dear Barbara,
You are love, and we love you. We are all with you tomorrow, your son’s anniversary. We’ll bombard the heavens for you, for him and for your daughter. My favorite book in the Bible is the Book of Job: Bad things happen to good people. I’m sorry, deeply sorry. I don’t know your pain, but I stand with you in silence and respect.
I, too, hope that one day we will meet. Thanks for trusting us. We’ll hold hands and get through together.
With love,
L
My Dear Friend Barbara
I am also glad you reached out to us to let us know what tomorrow is for your family. I will pray for you and your daughter and your son. Reaching out for help is important in our recovery for it is the disease that affects us that tells us to isolate and suffer in silence. We are better because of each other. I get better through service to others.
May you have a day of soft remembrances of your son. My heart aches for all the mothers who have suffered the greatest loss. I do not know your pain but I can imagine. My son suffered an overdose 2 years ago and was lucky enough to be found before it was too late. He was on a ventilator for over a week and I remember being on the cusp of losing him. It was a pain I cannot describe that was also accompanied by a stillness and calm in me I remember well. It was like God resided in me for the whole event and did give me the strength to endure. I find that strength in your responses Barbara. You have so much to give and to share. Thank you for sharing with us.
Love
Jane
I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow
Dear Barbara
I am thinking of you. I don’t know what you look like but I am imagining you wrapped in soft blankets of white with God’s arms wrapped around you as he walks with you today. At the same time I know God has kept your son in his embrace free of the pain that he had in this life.
Hopefully all of our thoughts of you today as they storm the heavens will bring some calm to your restlessness.
Love
Jane
Dear Barbara,
I join Jane and all of us in keeping you close today and always. Please know that we are with you. Stay strong. Prayers for peace. Love you,
L
Dear Barbara,
My heart goes out to you in a very special way today.
Love,
Susan
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. As I sat through my son’s memorial mass, I could actually feel all of your prayers. They were so comforting to me.
My sincerest and deepest gratitude,
Love,
Barbara
Dearest Barbara,
Thank you so much for staying close. Our prayers were with you and sent from all over the world!
With love and sincere gratitude for showing us how to live with a mother’s deepest and most everlasting wound. Your strength inspires.
L
@Barbara, just now saw your anniv. post, how sad, regardless..your often in my prayers not always as healing request but more often as request for blessing you & thanking God “for you” & this site! AMEN
*Thinking of you