libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Sep 27, 2012

VICTORY: ONE DAY AT A TIME, PART 1

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Relapse

A mom wrote to me: My son entered another halfway house and today he is doing well. Last year after rehab, he was supposed to have gone there, but he chose not to. Thankfully, this time, he made the decision himself, and I know he has to keep making the right decisions. Although relapse feels so defeating, I can see a positive difference in him each time he relapses and gets clean again. I think I’m finally getting the hang of “One day at a time.”

My thoughts: Dr. MacAfee says, Relapse isn’t failure. Failure is not trying again. It took me a long time to understand this. With each of Jeff’s relapses, I felt kicked in the belly, but I now realize that each honest attempt to get clean was a victory.

Today’s Promise to consider: We can’t define what success looks like for anyone else. For an addict, twenty-four hours of sobriety is a huge victory. Today, I’ll celebrate the successes of others. It’s not my place to be the judge or jury, but I will be a proud member of the supporting troops.

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Sep 20, 2012

CELEBRATING FIRSTS

by libbycataldi under family, Hope, Jeremy

To Iysa, my granddaughter: I can’t help smiling every time I look at this photo of you. You are two-years old and growing up so quickly, proud of your achievement – your first. These firsts make life magical, those moments of discovery and victory. I treasure these for you, and I wish you many more. I also know that as you travel through life, you’ll suffer setbacks and heartaches (for this is what it is to be human), but for today we celebrate your wondrous milestone and say, “Brava, Iysa! Good for you.” Love you, my dearest little angel.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life can be difficult and at times it can be tragic, but for today I’ll remember my child’s firsts, her achievements, and I’ll celebrate. These moments of beauty might carry me through the hardships. Today, I will live in a space of gratitude.

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Sep 13, 2012

RELATIONSHIP AND BOUNDARIES

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, meditation, Stay Close

A mom said to Dr. MacAfee: I’m trying to remember who we were before addiction hit our doors, flooded our house and left us homeless.

Dr. MacAfee’s response: Once the young person is off and running with drugs, things become much more difficult. Relationship is essential in dealing with addiction, but the question is what does a healthy relationship look like. Honesty is critical. Parents must say what they mean and mean what they say – boundaries must be clear so that loved one knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what is acceptable and what isn’t. Screaming isn’t the answer, whereas putting all the cards on the table in a direct and honest way is. As one mother recently told her son, “If you felt good about what you were doing, you wouldn’t be sneaking around.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Relationship and boundaries are critical when dealing with addiction, as with many problems. Today I will communicate with rigorous honesty. I’ll put my cards on the table and be clear about my boundaries. We all have decisions to make and I can’t decide for anyone else, but I will decide for myself. I’ll stay close and out of the chaos.

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Sep 6, 2012

VOICES OF RECOVERY, PART 4

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Jeff, Jeremy, Siblings

Brothers

A recovering addict wrote to me: Addiction seems to be the epidemic of our world today destroying not only the addict, but also everyone around him. I read about Jeremy’s pain and frustration, and see my little brother’s hurt and inner battle. But the message is still hope. We are not alone. Ironic that a disease that is afflicting millions of people is a disease that isolates us. It does this because the one true defense, the true power against addiction, is standing together, walking together and holding each other as we trip and stumble.

My thought: These words strike me as true. Dr. MacAfee says it another way, “Only by taking addiction out of the darkness where it does its best work and into the light can it be healed.” Addiction thrives by isolating the addict and his family. If the addict keeps the secret, he keeps the addiction. Only by standing together in honesty, holding hands and working together, can we fight this disease.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will not keep the secret of addiction. I will not isolate myself in shame, stigma and silence. I will fight against addiction for my loved one and myself.

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Aug 30, 2012

VOICES OF RECOVERY, PART 3

by libbycataldi under family, Jeremy, Recovery, Relapse

Son Jeremy staying close to his daughter Iysa.

A recovering addict wrote to me: My husband and I are both recovering addicts. After two years of sobriety, he relapsed. I don’t know which side is harder – the addict in active addiction or the loved one of that addict. Knowing Jeffrey and I have both managed to let God bring us back to the world of recovery brings me hope. I know my husband’s journey is his, and I can’t and have no right to take it from him. You never know when God’s miracle happens, but it usually happens when we get out of the way and leave it up to Him.

My thoughts: This young woman knows both sides of addiction. As hard as this must be, she also knows the hope of recovery, her own and her loved one’s. Her words touch me, “I know his journey is his, and I can’t and have no right to take it from him.” We never know when God’s miracle happens, but for me I’ve learned that it happens when I get out of the chaos and find my serenity.

Today’s Promise to consider: Both sides of any problem are difficult: There is the perspective of the one who must make the journey and the perspective of the one who watches and loves. As a mom, I know only one side, mine. I can’t take away my loved one’s pain, but I can stay close with compassion and prayer.

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Aug 23, 2012

VOICES OF RECOVERY, PART 2

by libbycataldi under Forgiveness, Hope, Recovery

A mother wrote to me: I’m involved with Comunità Cenacolo in Jacksonville, Florida, a community dedicated to helping young women find their way out of addiction’s grasp and into the light of sobriety.

Here is a photo I took of the girls’ feet before they performed at the Feast of Saint Maria Goretti. I love this picture…ballet slippers representing white for innocence and a clean life. The feet tell the story, and the worn-out shoes depict the path and suffering it took to get to this dance of redemption.

My thoughts: When Jeff and Jeremy were in school, we bought new shoes every August. After several months, their shoes showed the scuffs and tears of jungle gyms, bus rides, pick-up soccer games, recess and playing in all kinds of weather. Shoes can tell a story about life.

Today’s Promise to consider: The addict wears his own shoes, and I wear mine. I can’t understand fully his walk, and he can’t understand mine. All I can do is to stay close to my loved one and pray that his shoes come home – scuffs and all.

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Aug 16, 2012

VOICES OF RECOVERY

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Recovery, Stay Close

A recovering addict with fourteen years sobriety wrote to me: As an addict, I know that I had to reach a point where I made the decision that I could not go back to drugs. Sure there were times of temptation during those first few years, but sobriety is a decision only I could make can make.

Dear parents, as helpless and guilty as you might feel, it is the addict’s choice to use again. It is not because he or she doesn’t love you or because you have or haven’t done something. Don’t beat yourselves up! You are not alone and there IS hope!

My reaction: Thanks to this young woman, who gives voice to the addict’s side of the story. For me, I only knew my mother’s side until I really listened to what Jeff had to say. This young woman helps me to understand. She went on to write, I last saw Jeff in DC around Christmas of 1997. I could tell he was “having fun” but I had no clue just how “deep” he had gotten. Of course, I didn’t realize just how “deep” I had gotten into drugs, either. I guess no addict really does until she hits rock bottom!

Today’s Promise to consider: I have to admit that I am powerless to change other people. I have to admit that I have no control over other people’s actions, even my own children. What I can and will do is pray, teach, provide a strong role model and stay close.

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Aug 9, 2012

SAYING NO CAN BE THE BIGGEST YES

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, family, Recovery

A mom wrote to me: Saying no could be the biggest “YES” in life….but yet so hard to learn how to say it.

My reaction: There is wisdom in these few words. I struggled with saying no, especially to my sons. “May I take the car?” Yes. “Would you give me a few dollars for gas?” Yes. “Would you, could you, might you….?” Typically I said yes, but ‘yes’ wasn’t always the correct answer. It took Jeff’s addiction for me to learn that often ‘saying no’ can be the ‘biggest yes.’ As Dr. Derbyshire, a psychologist and friend, once told me, “Oftentimes, you are being the best mother when you say no.” This seems obvious, but it wasn’t obvious to me for a long time.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will have the strength to say ‘no’ as well as ‘yes.’ I will keep my boundaries safe and not cave in to pressure or pleas. If I truly believe that the answer should be no, I’ll say it regardless of the reaction that I receive.

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Aug 2, 2012

NEVER QUIT BELIEVING

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, family, Jeff

A mom wrote to me: I remember the words Jeff told to you, “Never quit believing Mom…….” These words are what made me then and will again stay close to my son. I find peace in continuing to believe, and I’ll draw on personal strength and resolve. I’ll reach out to my support system because isolation is the enemy.

My reaction: I, too, remember these words, and they became a guidepost for me. I wrote, “My son…was a chameleon, but I felt strongly that he would never lose the inner flame of his humanity. Maybe this was just a mother’s wishful thinking, but I held to this belief – and never quit believing. With all this said, I wondered if he would do the work necessary to place himself in sobriety and come home to his one, true self.” In the end, he did.

Today’s Promise to consider: When life gets too hard, too tough, and when the next step seems too heavy, I won’t give up. I’ll find my strength, reach out my hand to a brother or sister, trust God and keep believing.

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Jul 26, 2012

CELEBRATING SIX YEARS SOBER

by libbycataldi under Abstinence, Hope, Jeff, Recovery

July 21, 2006: Jeff made the decision not to go back to an addicted life.

In the last chapter of Stay Close, I wrote: Jeremy once asked, “Momma, how will you end the story about Jeff?” I admitted, “I don’t know, Jer. It’s not my story to end.” His answer was clear, “But that’s the point. We don’t know what will happen to Jeff, but no one can ever take away our hope. You have to end the story in hope.” And we will.

Six years ago, Jeff made the decision to live a sober life and our family is deeply grateful. We remain humble, knowing that there is no finish line with the journey that is recovery, but we also know that gratitude and joy are essential parts of being alive. Celebrations are important.

Dear Jeff, We’re grateful you came home to yourself and to us. You had the courage to fight for your life, and your courage continues as you choose again each day. We learn from you. We learn from your strength, resolve, commitment and spirituality. You’ve accomplished much in these six years, and you have many dreams yet to achieve. Happy Anniversary, Jeff!

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