This is part of a series of monthly posts that reference many conversations with Dr. MacAfee. Thanks, Doc.
A dear friend of mine and Dr MacAfee’s, a mother of a recovering addict, wrote to me: I used to think that if I could just work harder and do more for my addicted loved one, I could fix the problem. Dr. MacAfee taught me that my attempts to manage the chaos enabled my son to continue his self-destruction. Don’t get me wrong…things were still deteriorating, but at a much slower pace. Once I stopped managing his chaos, he lasted three days. It was shocking. It still is.
My reflection: I used to think my job as a mom was to fix my children’s problems. With addiction, most of what I thought I knew wasn’t right or didn’t work. Like my friend, I finally learned that I had to get out of the way of my son’s consequences.
Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we can’t manage the chaos in our addicted loved one’s life. Our impulse to make things better for him is a good one, but in the face of addiction it becomes counterproductive. Moreover, when I put myself in charge of my son’s addiction, this gave him the time and opportunity to continue his destructive way of life. When I finally learned to stay close but out of the chaos, he took control.
These words are so true…unfortunately I learned it too late to save my son from his addiction. Now I am working a 12 Step program (NARANON) for myself. My husband has had problems and instead of repeating my same insane behavior, I have learned to only focus on myself and it is so much easier on both of us. He is responsible for his recover….I am in charge of MINE! Thank God!
I am not sure what is meant by “he lasted 3 days. It was shocking. It still is”. Does it mean that this young addicted person did not survive after the mother stepped back from the chaos?