libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Apr 24, 2013

FROM ROME WITH LOVE: CHAPTER FIVE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Recovery, Siblings

An Italian college student, who lives in Rome, wrote to me. She is the sister of an addict: I want to share with you a poem I love. I’ve read it many times and each time I hope my brother, too, will arrive at the “Fifth Chapter.”

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, by Portia Nelson

I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V: I walk down another street.

My thoughts: We are responsible for making the choice to get ourselves out of the hole of addiction or despair. No one can make this decision for us. It is a singular and personal choice.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today I will fortify myself by joining hands with others. I will break the bonds of isolation and fear that feed addiction. I’ll reach out my hand, pray and continue to believe. I will walk down another street.

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Apr 17, 2013

A WALK OF COURAGE: SAN PATRIGNANO

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, family, Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

Michael and Libby in the woodworking shop at San Patrignano

Michael wrote to me from San Patrignano, a recovering community in Italy: My story is very similar to Jeff’s. My life was a mess: I was thrown out of rehabs and out of the Marine Corps; I dropped out of college on a baseball scholarship and walked out of countless treatment centers. I was convinced that I was the smart one doing heroin, ‘living the good life,’ while everyone else was living the ‘sucker’s life.’

My mother frantically searched for a cure to fix me. We tried 12-step, medication, therapy, in-patient, out-patient. I wasn’t having any of it.

Just when everyone was prepared to write me off as a lost cause, my mother found your book and was deeply moved by its reality and truth. Somehow she picks San Patrignano out of your book and has the courage and determination to “Stay Close” and never give up hope.

We traveled to Rimini and I entered San Patrignano, but with a different attitude. As they say in AA/NA, I was ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired.’

San Patrignano has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. The Marine Corp was a walk in the park compared to this place. Here I was literally taken by the hand and shown how to start living a different way.

I’ve been sober for 3 and ½ years. Thanks to you and your sons for reaching out and trying to comfort and help people who are struggling.

This past Saturday, I traveled to San Patrignano to visit Michael. My heart was filled with joy to see him healthy and strong. I admire both him and his mother for their courage, and their story inspires me. Thanks, Michael, for sharing your story. Jeff, Jeremy and I wish you only good things. We’re here, staying close.

Today’s Promise to consider: It takes courage to confront addiction, both by the addict and by those who love him or her. But where there is life, there is hope. Today, we’ll keep believing.

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Apr 10, 2013

22 HOURS AND 14 MINUTES

by libbycataldi under Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

Memorial Hermann Medical Center, Houston, Texas: Jeff and I were invited to speak at the Prevention and Recovery Center. Before our presentation, I passed through the audience as people began to fill the space, introducing myself and welcoming individually each person. I saw a young man about 24-years old, sitting alone, head down. When I approached him, he looked up skeptically, probably wondering what I wanted. I thanked him for coming and asked, “How long have you been sober?” He pulled up his shirtsleeve, looked at his watch and said, “22 hours and 14 minutes.”

My reaction: “That’s an accomplishment,” I said softly. “Jeff tells me one day is a huge effort. Congratulations. Keep coming back. We’re glad you’re here.” He smiled, looked again at his watch and never looked back at me. It didn’t matter. He was there; he came to hear us speak about hope and healing. I don’t know if he stayed sober or not, but since that day I’ve kept him in my good thoughts and prayers.

Today’s Promise to consider: The fight for sobriety takes many faces, but it is never easy. Victory is hard earned, one step at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time or 22 hours and 14 minutes at a time. To all the recovering addicts who are continuing the fight, stay strong. We are with you.

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Apr 3, 2013

DECIDING FOR ONESELF

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Recovery, Relapse

A mother wrote: I bailed my son out and fixed it all. When I finally went to Families Anonymous and Nar-Anon, I realized I didn’t cause the addiction and I can’t change it – only he can do that. I realized that by enabling, I was doing him more harm than good.

He was arrested again and remained in jail for three weeks. No one to bail him out, he worked on his own with a public defender to get accepted into drug court in lieu of jail. He now goes to meetings, is drug tested and meets with the judge. I learned to let go with love.

My reaction: I have spoken with many young addicts across the country and they have told me, My addiction is not my parents’ fault. Drugs are more powerful than you can imagine. When I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I made the choice to change my life. When the consequences of my addiction got to be more than I could live with, I made the decision for myself.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my child, but I will no longer be dragged under by addiction. I will give my loved one the dignity to make his own choices. I won’t abandon him, but I’ll wait for him to make the decision of health, not for me, but for himself.

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Mar 28, 2013

HEARTS OF LOVE

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Jeremy, Stay Close

A personal story for today, March 28, Mom’s birthday: My mother died on December 8, 2012, peacefully and with great faith. One month later, Jeremy, my younger son, opened his sock drawer to dress for a game of tennis when he heard a scrunching sound that he hadn’t heard before. Moving the drawer in and out, he realized the sound was coming from somewhere below, as if captured in the tracks of the drawer. Removing the drawer from its hinges, he found a page on which Mom had handwritten a prayer:

Ezekial 36, He will pour His spirit upon us and take the stony heart out of our flesh and give us hearts of love.

Jeremy thought no more about this, lay the page on the top of the dresser and went to play tennis. After the game, his friend, who knew nothing about Mom’s prayer, said, “Look at your shirt. You sweated a heart.”

Jeremy looked down and there, on his chest, was the heart pictured here.

Maybe it was a message from Mom and maybe it wasn’t; however, it is something our family will honor.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will be the best I can be. I will live today with a heart of love. Happy birthday, Mom.

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Mar 21, 2013

HAPPINESS: HARD WORK OF THE SOUL

by libbycataldi under Forgiveness, Gratitude, Hope, meditation, Recovery

Son Jeremy and granddaughter Iysa

A mom wrote, For years, I lived in my head and froze my body as if I could keep away the pain of my son’s addiction. But now I dance. It is one way I deal with my emotions, but only one way. Whatever strategies you need, use them. Meditating helps train my mind, and dancing is helping to train my body and soul. Through all of this, I’ve learned that we have a choice to be compassionate, not angry towards the addict and ourselves, a choice to be happy. I still have to work hard at not being afraid and not being sad. But hard work of the soul is maybe why we are here.

My reaction: I, too, remember years of trying to deal with the trauma of Jeff’s addiction by running and swimming miles, trying to relieve the pain. Like the childhood book Max and the Wild Things, dance allows us to stomp and rage against addiction and then to spin and raise our hands in joy and happiness. My personal journey toward happiness began when I reached out my hand for help. Al-Anon was there, and it still is.

Today’s Promise to consider: Locking ourselves away in pain and hurt doesn’t help our loved ones or us. When dealing with addiction, it can feel impossible to be happy, but today I’ll do the work necessary, the hard work of the soul. I’ll dance and meditate. I’ll run. I’ll pray, attend Al-Anon meetings and talk with a therapist. We owe it to our loved ones and ourselves to find our way toward happiness.

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Mar 14, 2013

HAPPINESS: A CHOICE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Gratitude, Hope

Friends: Libby, Sandra, Frances

A mom wrote to me: As the mother of a 23-year-old addict, I fear looking too far into the future. Recently, I visited a close friend who is dying of lung cancer. He and his wife savor every day, every hour, they have together. It reminded me how Al-Anon teaches us to live one day – and sometimes one hour – at a time. The choice is mine. I can live each day in fear and anguish over my son, spending my time in dread and misery. Or I can strive to be happy and – much like my friend – savor the time I have left.

My reaction: When Jeff was in active addiction, I started each day with the prayer, “Dear Lord, keep him alive today.” Sitting quietly, even for a few minutes, was a challenge as my mind raced and conjured traumatic scenarios. I lived in fear that the phone would ring, especially in the middle of the night, blistering my sleep with frantic anxiety. In time, I learned to take my life back. Al-Anon’s steps gave me the road map to recovery and, eventually, to happiness.

Today’s Promise to consider: The choice of how we live our lives is ours. We can choose to live in dread and misery or we can choose to live in serenity and peace. When our lives are crumbling around us, it’s not easy to strive toward happiness, but I will. For today, I will savor the day, smile and rejoice.

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Mar 7, 2013

CONTROL: BEGINS WITH MY THINKING

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Recovery

A mom wrote to me: As a Buddhist practitioner, I remind myself again and again that the only thing I have control over is my own mind, and in turn my actions. The sooner one can accept this fundamental truth the sooner one can begin to experience inner peace because we aren’t constantly worrying about trying to control others’ actions, moods, choices. What we can do is generate love and compassion for those who are suffering and pray for them.

My reaction: When I was a child, my dad used to tell me, “You gotta make something happen, Dearie.” I grew up believing that if something went wrong in my life, it was my fault because I didn’t make something happen and, therefore, wasn’t in control of the outcome. Today, I think I misunderstood my dad’s words. He wasn’t telling me that I had to control all the events in my world, but rather that I needed to be in control of my own thoughts and actions. He wanted me to make decisions that would lead to a productive and action-oriented life.

Today’s Promise to consider: As much I as want to control the events in my life, today I accept that I am powerless over anyone other than myself. This starts with my thinking, my intentions and my behavior. As the mom writes, “I can control only my own mind and in turn my actions…and begin to experience inner peace.”

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Feb 28, 2013

CONTROL: WHAT WE CAN AND CAN’T

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Hope

Personal note: During a recent Al-Anon meeting, a woman brought in a hula-hoop. She stood, raised it above her head, lowered it to her waist and then dropped it to the floor. “Do you see,” she asked as she pointed to the hula-hoop around her feet, “the space inside the hoop? My sponsor explained that I can control what is inside the hoop. All that is outside the hoop is beyond my control.”

My reaction: This visual of the hula-hoop crystallized in my mind what is controllable in life and what is not. As a mom, I tried for years to control Jeff’s and Jeremy’s behaviors. As Head of School, I felt it was my job to control every aspect of the school. After years of seeing the futility of my actions, the limits of my control started to make sense.

Today’s Promise to consider: Wanting to control situations, especially during the chaos of addiction, is normal. Normal, but impossible. I have control over my behavior and my choices – the space inside the hula-hoop – but I can’t control the myriad of events outside the hoop. What I can do is continue to hope, stay close to my loved ones and pray for acceptance.

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Feb 21, 2013

FORGIVING: NEEDS REPEATING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, PART 3

by libbycataldi under Forgiveness, Hope, meditation

Dominique, my hospice counselor, said: When there has been harm done between two people, the choice to love takes on the face of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a permanent state. Why? Because the decision to love is not permanent. You cannot say to someone, “I chose to love you last year,” as though it were sufficient. The person would rightly respond, “Well, what about today!?” Love is always in the here and now. Forgiveness, therefore, must be repeated. My choice to forgive does not immediately heal the wounds.

My reaction: When we’re hurt by someone, we often need to forgive them many times for the same thing. The cuts are deep and our pains do not disappear after a single decision to forgive. I used to believe that once I made the choice to forgive, the fire in my belly would extinguish, but this is not the case. Forgiveness is ongoing.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I willing come to the table of forgiveness. I choose to forgive someone who has hurt me, and I will continue to choose over and over, every time I feel the pain arise. I will be patient with myself. As Jeff reminds me, “Time heals all wounds, but time takes time.”

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