Acceptance Archives - Page 12 of 12

Jan 12, 2012

ENABLING AND FORGIVENESS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Forgiveness

Jeff with niece Iysa

A mother wrote to me: My son is using heroin. I tried to help him, but also know I enabled him more than helped. I recently told him he had to leave my home after money went missing again. I questioned myself – was I wrong or right? He said he wasn’t using again, but then I found proof that he was. It is the constant questioning of myself and my feelings that is breaking me. I want so badly to believe him, to believe he is telling me the truth, but it’s hard especially when time after time I find out that I have been fooled.

My personal reaction: I enabled and many of us do. Dr. MacAfee writes, “Libby both helped and enabled her son. This is oftentimes a normal response. The mother-son bond is natural and deep, and her attempts to help by bailing him out were acts of love. She wanted to trust her son; however, she didn’t see the level of duplicity and deception that he was living. Not initially and not for many years.”

Today’s Promise to Consider: Enabling or not enabling – it can be confusing. I will forgive myself for all the mistakes I made and for all the times I didn’t have the answers. I’ll forgive my loved one, too. Today, I’ll find strength in forgiveness.

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Jan 5, 2012

MOTHER TO SON

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, meditation, Recovery

Hughes photographed by Carl Van Vechten, 1936

Langston Hughes wrote the following poem. We offer it to you for the New Year. Our children learn from our example. As my dad used to say, “When you’re a parent, there is no quit.”

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor —

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

‘Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now —

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

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Oct 26, 2011

TEMPERED HAPPINESS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Hope, meditation, Recovery

A mother wrote to me: Our healing process is a journey, too. I recognize that even if my son never fully recovers or works his life well, I have mine and I don’t want to waste it being sad all the time. I had to find a way to go on in my life and relearn how to feel joy again. It is a tempered happiness. There is always a remembrance of loss that I feel deep down, but it does not consume me like it used to.

My response to the above passage: Through Jeff’s addiction, I, too, learned that my happiness could not be dependent of the state on his life. I’ve realized that happiness is a choice and that living in a space of gratitude makes life better. As the mother above, I will not allow loss to consume me.

Today’s promise to consider: I will find serenity within myself. My happiness cannot be contingent on someone else’s choices. Even if I love him or her with all my heart, I will accept what I am unable to change. As the AA slogan says, “Happiness is appreciating what you have, not getting what you want.”

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Oct 20, 2011

HUMBLED BY ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Recovery

A mother wrote to me: My son is still doing well. He has been sober now for seventeen months and, as you know, it’s still one day at a time. I don’t think I will ever totally be free from this addiction thing. I have been so humbled by it.

My reaction to the above passage: The words, “I have been so humbled by it,” touched me deeply. I was once Head of School where the system was set-up so that I was in charge; I was a boss. In the face of addiction, I learned that I was in charge of nothing and didn’t even have the ability to save my own son. In the face of addiction, I learned to be grateful for the little things like surviving five minutes. In the face of addiction, I learned that humility is a good thing.

Today’s promise to consider: Being humble is a powerful teacher. Today is not the day for arrogance or pride. I can get on my knees to pray, I can reach out my hand for help and I can ask someone to forgive me. Today I will think less about myself and my own worries and more about those I love.

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Oct 13, 2011

WISHING THERE WERE MAGIC

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, Recovery

A mother wrote to me: My seventeen year old daughter is a heroin addict. Legal issues placed her in rehab. This one is a 60-day stay as opposed to the previous two that were fourteen to twenty-one days. She has been gone for fifty days and shortly she will come home. I have been to Al-Anon meetings and my husband and I have been to couples counseling. In my heart of hearts, I’m scared. She has manipulated me easily in the past. I am her target and she is my only daughter. Maybe I’m just having weak days. I know there are no magic words to help me.

My reflection on the above passage: I wanted magic words. I wanted someone, anyone, to tell me what to do, how to think and what to say. I was trapped in that place of isolation and silence yet wanting to scream my story from the rooftops hoping that someone would give me a game plan, a sure-fire technique that would save my son and our family. I was scared and I wanted answers.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my addicted loved one. I will let her know that she is loved, but I will not give her money to support her addiction. I will keep strong boundaries for myself and pray that she finds her. I can only offer my love.

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Sep 15, 2011

A SONG FOR YOU

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family

A mom sent me an email: I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the song by David Cook titled “Come Back to Me.” Every morning when I walk/jog (working on the jogging part!) and this song comes on my ipod, I am reminded to mention it to you. I think of it as my “relapse” song because it has a message that speaks to me if my son should relapse in the future. I feel like it could be the soundtrack to your wonderful book “Stay Close.”

This mom and I send it to you with our love.

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Aug 18, 2011

DIALOGUE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, family, meditation, Recovery

The son of a recovering addict wrote: My mom found her sobriety after she had me. She said that she wanted a better life for herself and for me. She told the story of how she tried to walk out of rehab the first night when a big fella named Norman put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around. I remember thinking because Norman was a giant dude that he was able to keep my mom in rehab and that we were lucky for that.

Norman and my mom remained friends. He would come over to the house for coffee and they would talk. Now that I am older I understand that we were lucky, not for Norman’s size, but that he was able to start a dialogue with mom that kept her in rehab and it was constant throughout her recovery. Mom lived the rest of her life continuing that dialogue with other addicts, getting them into rehab and guiding them through recovery, just as Norman did for her.

My reflection on the passage: Jeff says, “Anything that shuts down dialogue is dangerous.” The young man above and I think this is absolutely correct. Honest communication is critical in recovery and in life. The Big Book says that recovery can be found only in rigorous honesty.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Open and honest dialogue is an essential first step is achieving healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. The young man above wrote, “Dialogue is to an addict’s recovery as fire is to man’s survival. Without it I wouldn’t have had a sober mom.”

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May 4, 2011

HOPE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, Jeff

Jeff and Granddad Cataldi

A mother wrote me an email message. This is part of it: I am in the beginning throes of dealing with my son’s addiction to heroin. I was sure our love, hope and determination would help him put this in his past, but I now realize that his addiction is in our life, forever. It scares me to death. He is in his third treatment center in less than a year. My husband and I are discouraged, broke and afraid, but we will never give up hope.

My reflection on the above passage: We have very little control over much in life and no place is this more true than with our loved ones’ addictions and illnesses. Addiction suffocates the family and we feel fear, anger, discouragement, confusion, betrayal and unrelenting heartbreak.

We were sure that our love, hope and determination could make a difference in their lives. In time, we find out that we are powerless over far more than we’re comfortable accepting.

Today’s promise to consider: I will trust my Higher Power to provide for me and to keep my hope alive. There is a Tibetan expression that, “even if the rope breaks nine times, we must splice it back together a tenth time. Even if ultimately we do fail, at least there will be no feelings of regret.”

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