Dialogue Archives - Page 4 of 7

Sep 22, 2016

“I’M TIRED OF OTHERS JUDGING ME”

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dialogue, family, Hope, meditation

A mother wrote to me: I have seen firsthand the fallout caused by my son’s addiction. He has not progressed to harder substances, but legal troubles abound. He is currently facing a felony for a stupid bar fight between two drunk kids that he doesn’t even remember. I realize my son will do time in jail and that I can’t fix it. I’m not sure if helping him get legal representation is “enabling.” I’m tired of others judging me, and him.

My reflection: Where is the line between a helpful comment and harsh criticism? It’s easy for others to judge us and our choices. It’s easy to itemize what we should do or should have done differently. The reality is that most people, especially those without first-hand experience with addiction and alcoholism, have no idea of how deeply tricky is this disease.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is a lonely journey, but I will walk this walk with my child and my family. Other people have many things to say, but I will find my help in Al-Anon, spirituality, and with professionals. I must stay strong and stay close.

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Jun 30, 2016

“I CHOOSE LIFE,” A LETTER FROM A SON TO HIS MOM

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dialogue, family, Recovery

A mom sent me a letter from her son: Dear Mom, As I look at the past, I can only imagine the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for every hurt. Today, I’m 23 days sober and there is so much I wish I could change, but I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is to try my hardest to accept where I am now, to do my best to succeed from here on out, and to be a son again to you and Dad. I’m treating this as if I am being reborn and need to learn how to live. Thank you for still believing in me and keeping faith. I choose life!

My reflection: What made this young man choose life? His mom wrote that he had been in, “10 rehabs, 12 years of addiction, PCP, heroin, opiates, Hepatitis C, STD’s, you name it, flat lined several times.” I’ve heard many recovering addicts tell me that the most dire consequences of their addiction brought them to sobriety.

Today’s Promise to consider: This young man wrote, “I’m 23 days sober and there is so much I wish I could change. Today, I choose life.” As parents, watching our child suffer is counterintuitive to everything we believe is our role. But with addiction, we need to get out of the way and allow him to feel the consequences of his addiction. For me, I will love my son, stay close and pray he chooses life.

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Oct 29, 2015

FOR EVERY ADDICT, AT LEAST FOUR OTHERS ARE AFFECTED

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family

Cousins: Kevin, Tricia, Diana, Jeff

A mom wrote to me: My cousin’s son is 22 and battling alcoholism. She just visited and, even though she didn’t want to talk about it, I could see the pain she was going through. As a mother of sons, I am grateful that my sons have never had a problem with alcohol or drugs, but I know that it is the luck of the draw. Addiction can happen to anyone. It’s everywhere and it affects families in every walk of life.

My reflection: This mother’s words brought back a difficult memory for me. In Stay Close, I wrote, Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, no one knew what to do. During the Christmas of 2006, when neither son came home for our large Italian family gatherings, my brothers didn’t know what to say. They didn’t even know whether to invite me to the festivities. The cousins were confused; could they ask about Jeff or would it be kinder to leave him out of the conversation?

Today’s Promise to consider: Research says that for every one addict at least four others are affected. Addiction’s consequences are far-reaching and destructive. Those who love us see our pain, even without us saying a word. They don’t know whether to talk with us about the problem or to stay silent. Addiction is confusing and suffocating. Today, I’ll be communicative and compassionate with my family and friends as we stumble together down this road.

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Oct 22, 2015

JUST YOUR MOM. JUST YOUR DAD

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family, Forgiveness, Stay Close

A dad told me, While visiting my son in a halfway house, I was impressed with the community of support around him. “If you feel yourself slipping or getting into the danger zone,” I asked my son, “what should I say to you to help?” He answered, “Nothing. If I need help, I need to reach out to these people around me, who know my walk.” I felt relieved when he said this to me because I just want to be his dad.

My reflection, This dad was grateful when he realized his son was taking responsibility for his recovery by reaching out to his AA or NA community for help. As parents, we put huge pressure on ourselves to solve our children’s problems and lift them from the chaos the drugs create – when in reality, we’re not best suited for the job.

Today’s Promise to consider, For as much as I want to offer my son support and words of wisdom, I admit that the programs of AA and NA are far more helpful in providing access to people who are also on the path of sobriety. I’m just his mom, the person who will always love him.

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Sep 3, 2015

COMPASSION

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, Recovery

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli Cecconi

A mother wrote to me: Today I went to my first Al-Anon meeting or at least that is what I thought I was going to. Instead it was the Narc meeting for the users. So instead of hearing from family members about their loved one’s addictions, I heard from the addicts themselves. It was very eye opening and humbling to be there and to hear their struggles.

My reflection: During the many years that Jeff was swallowed by addiction, I never realized the pain that he felt. Dr. MacAfee told me that it was impossible for me to imagine how poorly my son saw himself, that living inside his skin was more than Jeff could bear at times. The heaviness of his reality, combined with all the lies he struggled to maintain, was soul crushing.

Today’s Promise to consider: It’s so very hard not to make our loved one’s addiction about us, not to take their continued missteps personally. Once I told my son, “You have a lot of courage to try to get well again.” He responded quietly, “Courage. That’s a word rarely used with addicts. Yeah, it takes courage.” As a mom, my pain is huge, but I must understand that I will never truly grasp what he is going through. Today, I will pray for strength and compassion.

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Aug 27, 2015

ONE COUNTY, 70 MINUTES, EIGHT OVERDOSES

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family

A friend sent me an article from the Washington Post about a small county in western Pennsylvania – a county of slightly more that 200,00 people and just 40 minutes from my home town – where there were reported eight overdoses in 70 minutes. “There’s been a progressive increase in overdoses the last two years, and it just went out of control,” said Rick Gluth, supervising detective on the drug task force. “I’ve been a police officer for 27 years and worked narcotics for the last 15, and this is the worst.”

My reaction: Articles like this are important. They help, as Dr. MacAfee says, to take addiction out of the shadows and into the light where it can be healed. There is no silver bullet for stopping the flow of narcotics into the hands of our loved ones, but pieces like this unveil the hard facts around an epidemic suffocating so many of our families.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is anchored in Stigma, Shame and Silence. Today, I join together with other parents to break the backs of these three S’s. People are dying and the death toll is increasing.

(the full article: http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/the-heroin-epidemics-toll-one-county-70-minutes-eight-overdoses/2015/08/23/f616215e-48bc-11e5-846d-02792f854297_story.html)

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Aug 6, 2015

BRINGING ADDICTION INTO THE LIGHT

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery

Photo credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A mother wrote to me: My son is homeless. I will not allow him to live at home as long as he is using. I asked him what his plan was and I explained that it was hard for me to tell him he couldn’t stay with me. Normally he would have yelled at me, slammed doors and walked out mad, but he didn’t this time. I saw something different in his face that made me think that he was finally seeing that his problem was bigger than he had thought. I pray he chooses a different life, but I know that he must choose.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee wrote, Complaining, threatening, forcing and handwringing rarely, if ever, succeed. Instead, such approaches tend to drive the condition underground. Defensiveness must be lowered and communication must be clearer.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is cloaked with heavy blankets of shame. Today, I will recommit to fostering an honest, compassionate environment with firm boundaries in place. I pray my child will choose to bring his addiction into the light where we can address it, for his life and for his health. Only he can make this choice.

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Jun 11, 2015

FAMILY DISEASE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family, meditation, Relapse

A husband wrote to me: My wife has relapsed on alcohol after remaining sober for a period of twelve years. I am now the sole custodian of three children. This disease engulfs everyone in its path, including the addict and family. I have witnessed the progression of the disease from the perspective of the loving spouse, as well as through the lens of my children who battle on a daily basis through the scars of their mother’s addiction.

My reflection: Addiction destroys families. It breeds worry, helplessness and hopelessness. What happens to the children when a parent relapses? What happens to the spouse? No mother wants to hurt her children, and this story epitomizes the power of drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is a family illness and we all suffer. But through it all, I must protect my family. Today, I’ll take this disease out of the dark where it does its dirtiest work. I will open the lines of communication, and I’ll listen without judgment to my children and spouse as they share their feelings. I will provide a safe harbor.

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Jun 4, 2015

TELL HIM TO STOP, DAMMIT

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Faith, family, Jeff, meditation

Jeff, Granddad Cataldi, Grams Cataldi, Jeremy

My dad, who would have been 95 this month, didn’t understand addiction. He once pointed his finger at me and said, “Why don’t you tell him to stop, dammit? We can all see that he’s not right. Listen, daughter, you gotta do something. You gotta tell him to stop.” I just stared back at my dad and thought, “Don’t you think I’ve told him to stop, Dad? Do you think I can’t see that he’s not right? Don’t you think I’ve tried?” I didn’t say these things to my Marine Corps Drill Sergeant father.

My reflection: My father wasn’t an addict and for him addiction was non negotiable, something that shouldn’t exist in our family and a problem that ‘had to go.’ In his mind, I was the parent and I should have able to demand that my son quit using drugs. To Dad, it was black or white, two extremes, and Jeff’s behavior wasn’t acceptable and had to end.

Today’s Promise to consider: Many people think that addiction is a lack of character and a moral weakness and, with enough guts and grit, the person should be able to stop. Stop, dammit. My dad thought that way. I wish I had had the silver bullet or had know those magic words to make the destruction stop. Instead, addiction is a cunning, baffling and insidious disease that requires extreme patience, education, perspective and faith.

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May 14, 2015

ADDICTION DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dialogue, family, Stay Close

A high school student, who is not an addict, wrote to me, I always knew drugs were bad and plenty of people have told me that they are, even ex-addicts. Now I realize that addiction can happen to anyone. I used to think, foolishly, that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives. Obviously, this horrible stereotype is completely inaccurate and your family’s story clearly showed that. I realize that it could be my family or one of my friend’s. It made me realize that we’re not invincible.

My reflection: The young writer above sent me this message after hearing our family’s story. Her generalization that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives is one that many people still believe. While the medical community categorizes addiction as a disease, others consider it a moral breakdown. Whatever you believe, addiction can grip any family regardless of economic status, social standing or educational level.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction happened in our family when I wasn’t looking. Maybe I didn’t want to see, but in time I had no choice but to acknowledge that the demon of addiction had taken my son. Today, I won’t ask why my son or why my family? Today, I’ll educate myself and open my eyes.

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