Dialogue Archives - Page 5 of 7

Apr 30, 2015

HONESTY IN ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dialogue, Recovery

A mom wrote to me: For many years, I wasn’t in touch with my best friend from childhood, but through facebook we reconnected. I told her of my personal struggles during my son’s active addiction. She told me that my sharing this meant the world to her because she thought my life seemed perfect and was embarrassed to tell me that she had a son who was also struggling with an addiction to heroin. The door was then open to share our victories and defeats.

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, I trembled every time someone asked me, “So how is Jeff?” What was I to say? The lie came easier, “Oh, he’s great – at Boston University and doing well.” I remember well when a medical person asked me about Jeff and, for some reason, I told him the truth. His response was compassionate: He had lost his only brother to alcoholism.

Today’s Promise to consider: The best response to addiction is honesty and compassion. The chaos of this disease touches many of us. We need to be judicious with whom we share the inner-workings of our lives, but I repeatedly find that when I’m transparent with my challenges, others are transparent with theirs. We are all human.

7 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Mar 19, 2015

VULNERABILITY

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family, Recovery

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

Jeff wrote to me, Read a great passage about vulnerability and the value in allowing ourselves to expose hurts and fears in the right settings. It basically says that by admitting our insecurities, we create a platform for others to be more honest and open in the conversation. If we can find the courage to be vulnerable, it often awakens deeper intimacy in our relationships.

My reflection: I spent a great deal of my life afraid of being vulnerable. I wanted to act as though I had the answers and no one could hurt me. Then life jumped off the rails. Addiction came into our home and dismantled our family from the inside out. In the end, I was forced to admit my powerlessness, and that’s when I started to heal. It took great courage for our family to share our story, but by our allowing others to see our vulnerability, we hope to provide a safe platform to discuss the pain of addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: Being vulnerable is uncomfortable for me. I’d rather appear strong and fearless, but I’m only human. Today, I’ll admit my insecurities, talk openly in trusted situations and, by doing so, hope to awaken compassion and healing in my relationships.

6 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Oct 23, 2014

LESSONS FROM RECOVERY: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dialogue, Hope, Recovery

“WISDOM BORN OF PAIN”

I interviewed a young man, who has been sober eleven years, and asked him what he’s learned from recovery:
He said: I think that alcoholics and addicts in recovery are some of the most beautiful people in the world.
Libby: Why do you say that?
He said: Because they’ve been through the depths of hell, and survived it, you know?
Libby: I once said to Jeff, “Jeff you have more wisdom than I have.” He said, “It’s because I’ve come from a place you’ve never been.”
He said: And that is the truth.

My reflection: Addiction is complicated, and drugs are dangerous and illegal, so it’s easy to give up on addicts and to see them as a menace to society. Jeff once told me, “Society loathes addicts and addicts loathe themselves.” Once addicts find sobriety, they often become a force for beauty and good.

Today’s Promise to consider: Listening to a recovering person is a gift. They emerge from hell with a wisdom born of suffering and a desire to contribute to life. Today, I will listen to a recovering addict with compassion and an open heart. I might have something to learn.

7 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jul 17, 2014

MINDFUL SPEECH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Faith, family, Forgiveness, Hope

A dad wrote, I have a sign in my office that says, “I wish my mouth had a pause button.” That sign has been hanging there for years, yet I never applied it to understanding how to ‘pause’ and listen to God. Without that understanding how could I ever hope to, “Let go, Let God?”

My reflection, There are many times I, too, wish my mouth had a pause button. How often do we respond hurriedly and then have regrets? The visual comes to mind of a cartoon figure with the bubble from his mouth where the words are written. I’ve often wished I could erase the words in the bubble or reel them back in.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I’ll be more mindful of my words. Before I respond to someone or weigh in with my opinion, I’ll take time to reflect and reply with compassion. I will pause and listen to my inner counsel, trusting to hear God’s wisdom.

4 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Nov 21, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Faith, Gratitude

Henri Nouwen, Dutch philosopher and theologist, wrote in Here and Now, Joy is not the same as happiness. We can be unhappy about many things, but joy can still be there. Joy does not simply happen to us – it is a choice. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. Each day, whatever may have happened, is a day to be grateful for.

My reflection: Nouwen says that joy and unhappiness can coexist. I used to think that one excluded the other and sometimes, especially in moments of deep trauma like Jeff’s addiction, I was overwhelmed with such great unhappiness that I didn’t allow joy a space in my life. Nouwen goes on to say that joy is a choice that is ours to make, regardless of what is happening in our daily lives. Although we might be unhappy in the moment, it does not need to extinguish our joy.

Today’s Promise to consider: Bad things happen to good people. At times, I might feel deeply unhappy, but I refuse to allow it to eliminate my joy. Today, I choose to stay in gratitude. All I have is today and I choose not to waste it.

6 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Oct 10, 2013

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, Part 2

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Faith, Recovery, Relapse, Stay Close

One mother’s story:

It’s been a very rough week, but we’ve been down this road before – one too many times. We asked our son to move out. Two days ago he did. His disease is showing signs of progressing and it is damaging to others in this house. He is causing damage to my other son and I cannot stand by and watch this while he continues not to work a program we all feel he needs. We have given him so much support over the past decade and now it is time to say enough. I told him I loved him, but not the behaviors we have become aware of – a direct result of not truly working a program of RECOVERY. At twenty-eight, he needs to stand on his own. He needs to feel “The Gift of Desperation.” When nothing changes, nothing changes. That was the basis for our action.

I doubt myself at times There are no easy answers with this disease. We need to back off, detach with love, and let him be the captain of whatever kind of ship he wants to sail. I am not adjusting my sails anymore. I have my life vest on and I will not sink. He can choose his own course from this point. I am not going to be his GPS or map.

This disease forces us to make such difficult decisions, but I would be unable to do it without the support of my program of recovery. I always remember the saying not to deny an addict his pain.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Today’s Promise to Consider: This is one mother’s story. We join together to share our experience, strength and hope. We bring addiction out of the darkness and share our truths.

7 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Sep 12, 2013

PLEASE JOIN US OR PASS IT ON

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Jeff, Jeremy, Service, Stay Close

Parent Life coaches Leslie Ferris and Cathy Taughinbaugh are hosting a complimentary teleconference on Wednesday, September 18, when we will discuss Stay Close: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction. I thank Leslie and Cathy for this opportunity to reach out and help others. I hope you can join us or, if not, please pass this on to someone who might find it helpful. Addiction doesn’t discriminate and we are not alone.

TITLE: Three Big Lessons Learned from Author of Stay Close, Libby Cataldi – Plus Wisdom from Italy Rarely Heard in the U.S.

DATE: Wednesday, September 18, 2013

TIME: 1:00 PM Pacific, 2:00 PM Mountain, 3:00 PM Central, 4:00 PM EasternThere will be an opportunity for callers to ask questions during our interview.

WHERE: This event is free and via teleconference. Upon registration, you will receive dial-in information via email.

Can’t make the call live? No worries, a recording will be sent to every registered participant within 24 hours after the event.

Register today at https://3biglessonslearned.eventbrite.com/ or http://ow.ly/oG35P

“Searingly honest and moving…(Cataldi) has broken the taboos about being the parent of an addict.” New York Daily News

3 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jul 4, 2013

ENABLING: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery, Stay Close

Dr. Patrick MacAfee, who for over forty years has worked with addiction, told me, Addicts in active addiction are self-centered and self-obsessed. Because of this, there is room for only one person in the addiction – the addict. In order to maintain his addiction, the addict manipulates, lies and connives. They have to. Parents love them and want to help, but they often unwittingly foster the addiction. It is critical for parents to get out of the way of the consequence of use. When they short-circuit the consequences, they contribute to the addiction. Think of it this way: USING = CONSEQUENCES.

My reaction: I lived in denial for a long time, living in the trap of manipulation that things would get better for Jeff as long as I could fix the problems caused by his addiction. With the help of professionals like Dr. MacAfee, education and Al-Anon meetings, I learned to remove myself from the stickiness of Jeff’s addiction. I had to learn how to stay close in love, but out of the chaos.

Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we want to help our children by fixing their problems. Sometimes this works, but not with addiction. I will love my child unconditionally, but I cannot control his addiction. I will support his recovery while allowing him to face the consequences of his actions.

4 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jun 27, 2013

ENABLING THE ADDICT: PART I

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Hope, Recovery

Jeff told me, There is a difference between enabling the addict and supporting his recovery. Active addicts are great liars and manipulators – they have to be because those behaviors help protect the using, the one thing we’re most afraid of losing. Addicts are not trying to hurt their families, but parents are typically the easiest places to find money. It’s helpful when parents support the sobriety process, but often the addict manipulates their desire to help and those resources (money, places to live, cars, etc.) are used to continue using.

My reflection: Jeff’s addiction lasted fourteen years. While it is true that he was in love with drugs, it is also true that I was part of the problem. We once spoke in Oklahoma, and a man in the audience asked Jeff, “If your mother had quit paying for everything, do you think your run with addiction could have been shortened?” Jeff answered, “Addicts need money and we can find it in lots of places, but my mom made it a whole lot easier.”

Today’s Promise to consider: There are times when it’s difficult to see the clear line between enabling and supporting our loved ones. I will allow my sons to feel the consequences of their choices because fixing their problems doesn’t help them. I will give them the opportunity to learn without my interference, but my emotional support is unwavering.

11 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

May 22, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: FINDING OUR VOICE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dialogue, family, Forgiveness

A friend and I were taking, and she said, Parents of addicted children often suffer from feelings of regret, blame and guilt. These negative emotions don’t help anyone: neither us nor our children. As parents (and especially mothers) we need to find our voice. We tried to do the best we could for our children, and they became addicts in spite of that. I’m done accepting blame for what went wrong, for what didn’t happen or for what could have been done differently. If I made mistakes, it was with love in my heart. It’s now time for my children to take responsibility for their choices about how they want to live their lives.

My reaction: My friend’s words were inspiring to me. I acknowledge that we all handle the impact of our situations in a personal way, and I also acknowledge that I’m quick to take the impact, especially for my children. But I did the best I could and addiction happened anyhow.

Today’s Promise to consider: Blame and guilt aren’t the answers to life’s problems or addiction’s consequences. As parents, we try to do our best. As children, we need to pick up our crosses and carry them. We all have choices to make. Today, I’ll choose to move ahead with love and acceptance.

9 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment