family Archives - Page 24 of 27

Sep 6, 2012

VOICES OF RECOVERY, PART 4

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Jeff, Jeremy, Siblings

Brothers

A recovering addict wrote to me: Addiction seems to be the epidemic of our world today destroying not only the addict, but also everyone around him. I read about Jeremy’s pain and frustration, and see my little brother’s hurt and inner battle. But the message is still hope. We are not alone. Ironic that a disease that is afflicting millions of people is a disease that isolates us. It does this because the one true defense, the true power against addiction, is standing together, walking together and holding each other as we trip and stumble.

My thought: These words strike me as true. Dr. MacAfee says it another way, “Only by taking addiction out of the darkness where it does its best work and into the light can it be healed.” Addiction thrives by isolating the addict and his family. If the addict keeps the secret, he keeps the addiction. Only by standing together in honesty, holding hands and working together, can we fight this disease.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will not keep the secret of addiction. I will not isolate myself in shame, stigma and silence. I will fight against addiction for my loved one and myself.

16 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Aug 30, 2012

VOICES OF RECOVERY, PART 3

by libbycataldi under family, Jeremy, Recovery, Relapse

Son Jeremy staying close to his daughter Iysa.

A recovering addict wrote to me: My husband and I are both recovering addicts. After two years of sobriety, he relapsed. I don’t know which side is harder – the addict in active addiction or the loved one of that addict. Knowing Jeffrey and I have both managed to let God bring us back to the world of recovery brings me hope. I know my husband’s journey is his, and I can’t and have no right to take it from him. You never know when God’s miracle happens, but it usually happens when we get out of the way and leave it up to Him.

My thoughts: This young woman knows both sides of addiction. As hard as this must be, she also knows the hope of recovery, her own and her loved one’s. Her words touch me, “I know his journey is his, and I can’t and have no right to take it from him.” We never know when God’s miracle happens, but for me I’ve learned that it happens when I get out of the chaos and find my serenity.

Today’s Promise to consider: Both sides of any problem are difficult: There is the perspective of the one who must make the journey and the perspective of the one who watches and loves. As a mom, I know only one side, mine. I can’t take away my loved one’s pain, but I can stay close with compassion and prayer.

14 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Aug 9, 2012

SAYING NO CAN BE THE BIGGEST YES

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, family, Recovery

A mom wrote to me: Saying no could be the biggest “YES” in life….but yet so hard to learn how to say it.

My reaction: There is wisdom in these few words. I struggled with saying no, especially to my sons. “May I take the car?” Yes. “Would you give me a few dollars for gas?” Yes. “Would you, could you, might you….?” Typically I said yes, but ‘yes’ wasn’t always the correct answer. It took Jeff’s addiction for me to learn that often ‘saying no’ can be the ‘biggest yes.’ As Dr. Derbyshire, a psychologist and friend, once told me, “Oftentimes, you are being the best mother when you say no.” This seems obvious, but it wasn’t obvious to me for a long time.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will have the strength to say ‘no’ as well as ‘yes.’ I will keep my boundaries safe and not cave in to pressure or pleas. If I truly believe that the answer should be no, I’ll say it regardless of the reaction that I receive.

9 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Aug 2, 2012

NEVER QUIT BELIEVING

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, family, Jeff

A mom wrote to me: I remember the words Jeff told to you, “Never quit believing Mom…….” These words are what made me then and will again stay close to my son. I find peace in continuing to believe, and I’ll draw on personal strength and resolve. I’ll reach out to my support system because isolation is the enemy.

My reaction: I, too, remember these words, and they became a guidepost for me. I wrote, “My son…was a chameleon, but I felt strongly that he would never lose the inner flame of his humanity. Maybe this was just a mother’s wishful thinking, but I held to this belief – and never quit believing. With all this said, I wondered if he would do the work necessary to place himself in sobriety and come home to his one, true self.” In the end, he did.

Today’s Promise to consider: When life gets too hard, too tough, and when the next step seems too heavy, I won’t give up. I’ll find my strength, reach out my hand to a brother or sister, trust God and keep believing.

27 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jul 11, 2012

FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, meditation, Stay Close

From left to right: Son Jeff, Aunt Darlene, Uncle/Brother JF, Grandmom/Mom Laura, Nephew Bob, Niece Rebecca, Son Jeremy

My brother wrote this and it touched me. Following is an excerpt: “Hi, Dad. I have another question for you, but you should be honored because you’re the first person I think of to ask any tricky question….”

My daughter. Another in a long line of e-mail questions from my accomplished, 27-year-old daughter, Rebecca, who, despite her youth, has traveled the world. She now works for an organization that occasionally sends her to central Pakistan to work with Muslim female schools (madrasas) to try to show them how many Islamic views are similar to Christian ones, to effect a dialogue. I told her, “Beck, I know you get excited about this, but it’s pretty tough on the Old Man until you get back.” She said, “Dad, don’t you understand? It’s the confidence that you’ve always showed in me that gives me the courage to do all this stuff.”

Confidence…courage…to go into hostile areas…I gave her that? I raised her with two principles: that I loved her completely, and that would never, and could never, change. (Which doesn’t mean that I didn’t discipline her a ton of times growing up. I did. All kids need that. Doesn’t affect the love.) The other principle was that she had to be a good person. She had to do the right thing.

As for me, I don’t much care when I die, (but) I want to have time to say goodbye to my loved ones. I want enough time for Beck to get to me from whatever far-flung outpost she happens to be. I want to tell her I love her one more time. Maybe she’ll ask me a question. After all, I’m her Dad.

(To read the original: http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/first-person-fathers-and-daughters-329029/)

Today’s Promise to consider: Parents and our children: Fathers and daughters, mothers and sons. I love my sons, and that can never and will never change. I know they are good persons and I pray they always do the right thing. After all, I’m their mom.

30 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jul 4, 2012

EVERYDAY GRATEFUL

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Hope, Jeremy

Granddaughter Iysa and Papa/Son Jeremy

A grandmother wrote to me, On especially hectic mornings, when I’m trying to get out of the house and my grandbabies to daycare, I think God stops me and slows me down so that I take the time to watch my grandson run to the front door and tell me, “I really run fast,” and let my granddaughter “do it myself” as she puts on her jacket. Even if it takes an extra five minutes, she is so proud to say, “I did it.”

I look back and wonder did I take this time with my own children or was I so busy with work, cleaning house, homework, what have you. Knowing now what I know about addiction and serenity (thanks to Al-Anon), I take the time to enjoy my grandchildren each and every day, especially during the crazy hectic times.

My thoughts: Each day is precious, but often life’s pressures pound away at the present, and I think, “I’ll hug him later,” or “I’ll talk with her tomorrow.” There are memories that are forever stamped into my heart of Jeff running around in his Superman cape or Jeremy covered with mud carrying his treasures of frog eggs and salamanders found in the stream. My sons are now men and I can’t change the past, but I can hold onto my memories and make new ones.

Today’s Promise to consider: I’m not the perfect Mom or Nonna, but maybe there is no such thing as perfect. I can only be the best I can be. I’ll forgive myself for the times I wasn’t there, and today I will be there for my children and grandchildren. I will cherish every moment.

23 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jun 28, 2012

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE USING STOPS: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family

Dr. MacAfee says, “The substance, the use and the search become the master of the addict’s life and everything they know and do revolves around using. We can get the addict to put down the drugs – look at all the thirty-day treatment programs – but to learn to live life, now that’s the healing.

“We need to see and understand how deeply robbed and impoverished the addict is from the addiction. When the addict quits using, he must face what’s in front of him, but also what’s behind him. Drinking stops, reality comes forward and even simple things become monumental.. Anyone who returns from addiction is a remarkable success. The failure isn’t in relapse. The failure is not trying again.

My thoughts: Jeff spoke to a group of newly sober high-schoolers enrolled in a safe school in Oklahoma. One of the young men, a skateboarder, told Jeff, “So many things that I did were about using, even the music I listened to while I skateboarded. I don’t even know what kind of music I like anymore.” Jeff responded, “When I got clean, I didn’t even know what color I liked or what to do on a Saturday night. I didn’t know what normal people did. Learning how to live a sober life is not easy.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Dr. Stephanie Brown, a drug addiction therapist and founder of The Addictions Institute, says that the crisis is in recovery. Living life on life’s terms is hard for all of us, and for the addict it must seem insurmountable. I will stay close and show compassion and respect for my loved one’s journey into sobriety.

7 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jun 21, 2012

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE USING STOPS: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, meditation

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

A mom asks Dr. MacAfee: I understand what you write, “Recovery is always an individual endeavor and also requires a supportive community.” I also know how hard it has been to love my son unconditionally through all the rehabs, failed attempts, restarts, continued use and damage to relationships. My husband and I are trying hard to support his current attempt at recovery. I know the road is very difficult for the addict and my heart breaks for my son, but I also have a broken heart for the rest of us. So much healing is needed. How does healing happen?

Dr. MacAfee responds: We all want healing to be an end game, but it doesn’t happen that way. Healing comes a layer at a time. For some, healing is totally dependent on the sobriety of the addict and this highlights the difference between helping and enabling.

To the mom above, you might say to your child, “I have discovered that there is only room for one of us in your addiction. I have decided to leave you in charge of the consequences of your addiction. Ironically, I find this decision both terrifying and liberating, but also healing. I want you to be whole again and I fear all our help has stood in your way. It’s hard for me to face my getting out of your way, but I realize that it is healing for you, too.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close, love my child and not abandon him, but I will get out of the way of the chaos of his addiction. My peace will come from knowing that I’ve done everything I could have done. I will endure and pray.

32 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jun 6, 2012

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, meditation

Author Stephen King writes, “There’s a phrase, “the elephant in the living room,” which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth, “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.”

My reaction: Stephen King took his first drink in 1966, age 18, and never stopped. He writes, “Alcoholics build defenses like Dutch build dikes.” And I did the same with my family. I built defenses, isolated myself and denied that addiction was the elephant in the room.

Today’s Promise to consider: I’ll face my fears today. I’ll force myself out of delusion, out of illusion and out of pretending that the problem doesn’t exist. I won’t allow my fear to lock me in place. I will trust God. I will act.

13 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

May 30, 2012

VOICES OF FRIENDS: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, family, Hope

Click on image to view video

Cathy Hull from Treatmenttalk.org shared a link COLLISION COURSE: TEEN ADDICTION EPIDEMIC. This video has been nominated for an Emmy Award and posts, “Teen substance abuse is one of America’s top public health problems and can devastate our youth and their families.”

My thoughts: This video signifies the growing awareness of substance abuse and calls for a change in education and public policy to recognize the truth of the escalating problem of drug addiction, especially among teens. Although the film is 26-minutes long and many of you won’t have the time to view it in its entirety (or at all), we celebrate the hope for teens to live a life with addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: As Dr. MacAfee says, “We need to take addiction out of the shadows and into the light where it can be healed.” This documentary and other efforts are doing just that. Let’s keep this light alive.

2 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment