IN CHURCH BASEMENTS: 1999 and 2011

My journal entry, February 23, 1999, 6:45 am: I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night, and I found a peace that has eluded me. I’m truly amazed that my soul quieted there, in the basement of a church. What made the difference? I heard such pain from others, and I listened intently as to how they are struggling to survive. I saw in their eyes a determination to get healthy, their intense love for their alcoholic or addict, and true compassion for each other. Yes, something happened last night. Many of them have worse pain than I, and all seem to struggle with similar issues – worry, fear and detachment. I can find strength in their strength. Maybe I’ve been searching for someone to give me strength. Maybe I can find strength and comfort in Al-Anon and ultimately in myself.

An Open Letter to Chrissy and Lisa, September 28, 2011, 4:47 PM: Thanks for reaching out to me and inviting me to your Al-Anon meetings. Your generosity of spirit and your compassion touched me.

So what is it that keeps me coming back? When I look around the room, I see people who understand where I’ve been and how I’ve suffered. When I share our story, people look at me with understanding. When I leave, I don’t feel stripped and vulnerable, but I feel elevated, heard and supported.

Magic happens in these Al-Anon meetings. Here we find hope. I’m remain a grateful member of Al-Anon.

 

A SONG FOR YOU

A mom sent me an email: I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the song by David Cook titled “Come Back to Me.”  Every morning when I walk/jog (working on the jogging part!) and this song comes on my ipod, I am reminded to mention it to you.  I think of it as my “relapse” song because it has a message that speaks to me if my son should relapse in the future.  I feel like it could be the soundtrack to your wonderful book “Stay Close.”

This mom and I send it to you with our love.

 

DIALOGUE

The son of a recovering addict wrote: My mom found her sobriety after she had me. She said that she wanted a better life for herself and for me. She told the story of how she tried to walk out of rehab the first night when a big fella named Norman put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around. I remember thinking because Norman was a giant dude that he was able to keep my mom in rehab and that we were lucky for that.

Norman and my mom remained friends. He would come over to the house for coffee and they would talk. Now that I am older I understand that we were lucky, not for Norman’s size, but that he was able to start a dialogue with mom that kept her in rehab and it was constant throughout her recovery. Mom lived the rest of her life continuing that dialogue with other addicts, getting them into rehab and guiding them through recovery, just as Norman did for her.

My reflection on the passage: Jeff says, “Anything that shuts down dialogue is dangerous.” The young man above and I think this is absolutely correct. Honest communication is critical in recovery and in life. The Big Book says that recovery can be found only in rigorous honesty.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Open and honest dialogue is an essential first step is achieving healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. The young man above wrote, “Dialogue is to an addict’s recovery as fire is to man’s survival. Without it I wouldn’t have had a sober mom.”

 

MOTHERS AND OUR CHILDREN

A father wrote to me. This is part of it: Our son is a methamphetamine addict. Fortunately for our family, my wife and I are still together and my son is doing well halfway into his fourth year of being clean. Mothers are so loving, so strong and so caring.  However, those wonderful qualities, in my opinion, can be enabling when dealing with an addict.

My response to the passage: Mothers might enable more frequently than fathers, but I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that all family members are affected by their child’s addiction. The addiction steals into our home and takes a place among us, destroying our relationships and laughing at our powerlessness. If parents communicate well and work together for the good of their addicted child, everyone benefits.

Today’s Promise: I will listen to my spouse and respect her feelings. I will listen to my child and be present for him. I recognize that we are all in pain and suffering together, but each in his own way.

 

 

We saved her life, but now it’s her turn

(This Thursday Meditation takes on a different look as I’ve reprinted an article from the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. Thanks to my brother J.F. for sending it.)

Life in the ER: Alive but ungrateful

Monday, February 28, 2011

By Dr. Thomas A. Doyle

She was 19 and she was dead. Skin like a gutted trout’s belly, lips the shade of rotting grapes, not moving or breathing. Her pupils were tiny lead pencil tips, murky and dull. She had been unceremoniously dumped on our doorstep, literally tossed out of a car which peeled away the moment the door was closed. A fresh needle track peeked out of a thatch of old ones in the crook of her left elbow.

Yes, she was dead. But as Billy Crystal said in “The Princess Bride,” she was only mostly dead. She was just taking death out for a test drive, putting a down payment on the farm, sightseeing on the Stygian ferry, tapping the bucket with her toe. Luckily for her, mostly dead is a little alive.

Our team descended upon her and in moments she had a working IV line and oxygen was being forced into her lungs via a bag/mask device. I ordered Narcan, an antidote to overdoses of opiates such as heroin or Oxycontin.

The change was nearly instantaneous; she squirmed on the stretcher and gulped a huge gasp of air. Her eyes snapped open, pupils returning to normal size. She began thrashing about on the bed, tearing off monitor leads, yanking out her IV.

“Relax, sweetie,” soothed our charge nurse, who could pose as the Norman Rockwell archetype of a kindly grandmother, “You’re going to be OK.”

“Don’t you ‘sweetie’ me, bitch!” our modern Lazarus squawked, slapping away the nurse’s hand. She tugged at her gown. “What the hell is this? Where’s my shirt?” Her fingers found the shreds of the grimy sweatshirt we had cut off during the resuscitation. She eyed us accusingly and whipped a piece at the wall. “You cut my [expletive] shirt! You [more expletives] cut my shirt! Y’all are going to pay for this.” Wagging her finger in my face, she listed her demands. “I want a shirt. I want a taxi. I want my wallet, my cell phone … and give me something to drink, my mouth tastes like crap!”

I picked up the shred of sweatshirt and dumped it in the trash. I pulled up a stool next to the stretcher and stared silently at her. After a few seconds of trying to ignore me, she snapped her head around, shoved her nose a couple of inches from mine and bellowed, “What’s your problem!?”

“You’re welcome,” I said softly.

She replied with an additional string of expletives, including some rather creative ones questioning my parentage and sexual orientation. I continued to stare back. Finally I interrupted and said, “You know you just about died.”

All that earned me was a sullen glare.

“Next time might be too late.”

Stony silence.

“If you’re interested, we could try to set you up in rehab …”

“Screw rehab!” she exploded. “Just let me out of here!”

“Fine,” I replied, tossing my hands up and heading for the door.

As I approached the threshold, I heard her muttering. “Rehab! Yeah, like you care about me.”

I halted, mulling it over for a moment. I pivoted on my heel, crossed back to the bed and answered, “You know what? You’re right. I don’t care about you. Who are you to me? Some nobody I’ve never seen before and, at the rate you’re going, I’ll never see alive again.

“I do care that another human being, one just a few years older than my daughter, is completely ruining her life as well as the lives of anyone who ever loved her. But I’m not one of those people. I don’t love you. After seeing how you treat people who help you, I don’t even like you.”

Her mouth popped open to respond, but she seemed momentarily taken aback.

I lowered my voice and continued, “I can only hope you have somebody who still loves you. A mom, a dad, maybe a baby brother or sister. I mean, for God’s sake, you’re 19! It tears my heart out to think that only a few years ago you were probably playing hide and seek and bringing home fingerprint art and dressing up as a puppy in the school play. But in the end it doesn’t matter if I care. It only matters if you care. If you don’t, then why should anybody else?”

“Just get out of my face! You don’t know shit about me!” she spat.

As I tromped out of the room, I bumped into the charge nurse.

“That Narcan sure works fast, doesn’t it?” she commented.

“Yep,” I agreed. “She went from dead to asshole in 60 seconds.”

That garnered a melancholy chuckle and a sagacious glance over her glasses. We walked a few steps then I pulled her aside.

“Hey, listen, make sure social services sees her before she leaves. It probably won’t do any good, but at least give the kid another chance.”

Stepping back, I clapped once and rubbed my hands together. “OK, then. What’s next?”

“A family of three kids who ate cat food in room 7 and an old lady who’s convinced she has worms in her ear in room 12.”

“Of course,” I sighed. “Just another day at the office …”

Three hours later, at the end of my shift, the social worker stopped me and said, “I sent that girl to Gateway.’

“Really?” I replied. “She agreed to go to rehab?”

“Yeah, she’s on her way. By the way, I’m not sure what this means, but she wanted me to tell you it wasn’t a puppy. It was a giraffe.”

Dr. Thomas A. Doyle is a specialist in emergency medicine who practices in Sewickley (tomdoy@aol.com).

 

 

Breaking Patterns of Behavior

A young woman who is recovering from an eating disorder wrote to me: This is the first difficult time in my life that I have not been ‘drawn’ back into some form of self-defeating eating pattern! So in that sense it is the BEST difficult time because it is the first time I haven’t felt ‘PANGS’ of guilt or self dislike (or in more extreme cases self loathing). Of course, I’m aware that the pattern will raise its head again, but I am working to stay self aware and to keep letting it flow so that I don’t get pulled back.

My reflection on the passage: Patterns of behavior are hard to break, not just with an addiction but in life. When problems get too complicated for me, I tend to become more demanding, more like my father who was a Marine Corps Drill Sergeant. Being aware is the first step. When I slip, I need to make amends to others and to myself.

Today’s Promise: I will continue to develop an observing eye – that part of me that carefully watches how I respond to situations. I can break my old patterns of behavior with self awareness, honest conversations with others about my feelings, hard work and prayer.

 

DIALOGUE

A mother wrote to me: I talked with my son about what Jeff said – how the addict misses the chaos of his years of using. My son opened up to me about how much he agrees with this. He said that the drugs made him feel alive and now he feels like he’s just going through the motions. I appreciated his honesty and told him that I recognize and admire his courage to change, to talk about these things….and, of course, that I love him!

My reflection on the passage above: Jeff recently told me, “Anything that shuts down dialogue is dangerous. The silence keeps us isolated.”

Addiction thrives in the dark and needs to be brought out of the shadows and into a place of healing. When I was young, we didn’t talk about abortion, breast cancer or homosexuality. Today we talk openly about these issues and this brings hope.

Today’s Promise to consider: Open and honest dialogue takes courage. I will face the tough issues and fight for relationships with my loved ones and those for whom I care deeply. I will work with them to find a place of understanding and forgiveness.

 

HOPE

Jeff and Granddad Cataldi

A mother wrote me an email message. This is part of it: I am in the beginning throes of dealing with my son’s addiction to heroin. I was sure our love, hope and determination would help him put this in his past, but I now realize that his addiction is in our life, forever. It scares me to death. He is in his third treatment center in less than a year. My husband and I are discouraged, broke and afraid, but we will never give up hope.

My reflection on the above passage: We have very little control over much in life and no place is this more true than with our loved ones’ addictions and illnesses. Addiction suffocates the family and we feel fear, anger, discouragement, confusion, betrayal and unrelenting heartbreak.

We were sure that our love, hope and determination could make a difference in their lives. In time, we find out that we are powerless over far more than we’re comfortable accepting.

Today’s promise to consider: I will trust my Higher Power to provide for me and to keep my hope alive. There is a Tibetan expression that, “even if the rope breaks nine times, we must splice it back together a tenth time. Even if ultimately we do fail, at least there will be no feelings of regret.”

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