My son wrote this to me about his first rehab center (he was nineteen years old): Early seeds were definitely planted and my perception of drugs started to shift. It’s hard to escape your first time in treatment with a carefree regard for drugs intact. I began hearing words like “addiction” and “disease” in the same sentence as “friends” and “parties.” Counselors talked about cravings and they had clinical terms for the anxieties associated with my personal world of drugs. I was shocked that they knew so much and I was shocked that other people felt the same way that I did.

My personal reflection on the passage above offering my thoughts today: My son once told me that drugs started as a party and ended as a sandstorm. But by then it was too late and he couldn’t find his way out. Drugs are ubiquitous. Some kids try and stop, while others, like mine, start and don’t stop. We parents need to talk with our children about the choices with which they’ll be faced.

Today’s promise to consider for all of us who love addicts: Just as the addict has to learn about his addiction, so do I. I’ll learn in Al-Anon; I’ll read books and talk with professionals. I’ll learn so that I can better help my loved one and myself.

A mother wrote an email message to me. This is part of it: My son is an alcoholic. My feelings of guilt, shame and helplessness for him are intensified because I, too, am a recovering addict. Even though my son was raised in an alcohol and drug-free home, addiction found him. I ache for him as his mother, but only another recovering addict knows the TERROR an active addict lives with. Sometimes I feel temporary peace that I confuse with wellness, but I live with the fear that chaos will find us. I don’t know what to do to stop our pain.

My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts today: How do we help our children? I don’t understand, not really, the terror, guilt or shame with which an addict lives. But my son has used the same words when describing his feelings about his addiction. He once told me, “An addict loathes himself and what he is doing to the people he loves.”

As parents, we want the pain to stop, but we are powerless against the addiction. Our children must make the choice of wellness for themselves. For parents to admit that we are powerless is humbling.

Today’s Promise to consider for all of us who love addicts: I will remain humble in the face of addiction. I recognize that I am powerless to change my addicted love one: I am powerless to change anyone. But I will stay close.

A mother wrote an email message to me. This is part of it: I’m giving up on prayer. I’m afraid. Recovery was going well, I thought, making meetings, new job he likes, nice girlfriend…I was beginning to trust and hope. In the last week, money taken from my purse, relapse, violation of probation. Now it’s back to court and maybe prison this time. I can’t do this again.

My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts today: Hope is fragile and fear is powerful. I wonder why fear seems to be stronger than hope? I don’t know, but I do know that there are times when I felt like giving up on prayer. Sometimes it’s easier to lose hope and faith than to keep feeling hopeful and being crushed. When the addiction rises up again and again and smacks us, knocking us to the ground, we hurt and don’t know what to do. It is then that we are in danger of giving up hope. But if we lose faith and hope, all is lost. We need to stay close to our children, but our children need to fight their own battles.

Today’s Promise to consider for all of us who love addicts: I am only human and sometimes I feel as though I can’t go on. But I will. I will go on in hope.

We can’t be armor for our children. We can only be supporting troops. Irwin Shaw

A mother wrote an email message to me. This is part of it: Those of us who love our addicted children have felt pain, love, hope, and the helplessness that take over our lives. Our son is in a treatment aftercare right now and I feel hope, but the fear is always there. Even though he is now sober, we do not know how our story ends, and with the disease of addiction the story can change so quickly and dangerously. What could we have done to change our son’s fall into addiction?  What signs did we miss – or better still – could we have done anything to prevent this?

My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts today: This is the silver-bullet question: What could we have done to prevent the addiction? As parents, this is the question we ask over and over again. We are plagued with doubts, but nothing changes the fact that the addiction exists. Many medical folks call it a disease. My son has it. He’ll live with it for all of his life. I pray he continues to fight.

Today’s promise to consider for all of us who love addicts: There are some questions that have no answers. There are some ambiguities with which we must live. Maybe I could have done something differently to alter the course of this disease, but I’ll never know for sure. My son is addicted and I will learn how to stay close to him. I will accept that sometimes there are no answers.

A mother wrote an email message to me. This is part of it: My son is a high functioning (honor student in high school and at university) heroin addict. I can’t even believe that I can write or say these words. I feel so isolated most of the time. My son is very successful and he says that he’s in recovery. All I can say is that I think he is, but I am never sure. They are so good at deception. I analyze every single thing he does and says.  Sometimes I feel I will truly go crazy. In this crowded world, I feel totally and completely alone.

My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts today: This mother’s words – I feel totally and completely alone – are true for many of us. Silence rules the day and the silence keeps the addiction. We must break the silence in order to bring addiction out of the shadows and into the light. We are not alone. The research says that for every one addict four others are directly affected.

Today’s promise to consider for all of us who love addicts: I know that I am not alone. I will face the addiction with the help of others. Al-Anon and other groups provide for me a sense of community. I will break the silence that crusts over my heart and, in doing so, try to break the hold that addiction has on my family. 

This is part of a journal entry that I wrote four years ago: My mind wanders continually to my addicted son – I’m so connected to him. I think I’ve trained my heart to think of him constantly because he’s had so many problems. My soul is tormented with worries about him and even in my quiet times, my mind settles on him. I need to feel some peace knowing that I have done all I can do. I wish and I pray that he becomes well.

My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts today: My life was suffocated with worry for my son. Every minute of every day was choked with thoughts of him: what he was doing, where he was or where he might be. I had to stop worrying. I was distracted, my work was becoming impossible and sleep was racked with bad dreams and demons. Because of despair and feelings of shame, I isolated myself and kept it a secret, which didn’t help my family or me. I wanted to control my heart, but it was impossible. Prayer gave me the serenity that I needed. With prayer, I didn’t feel so alone.

Today’s promise to consider, for all of us who love addicts: I will stop the constant worry. I will pray and find my peace. With God, all things are possible.

This is part of a journal entry that I wrote four years ago: My son wants to come home for the summer and he says he’s clean. What do I do? The mom part says, “Be there for him. Trust him. Believe him. Open the door and allow him to come home.” The other part, the logical part, says, “He’s lying and he’ll just come home and get high. He’ll have too much time on his hands and trouble with follow. It always has.” Two extremes! What do I do?

My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts today: Addiction often threw me into extremes, and I swung between yes and no, give and take, punishments and gifts. These extremes didn’t help my son because my mixed messages led to added confusion and lack of boundaries. He needed boundaries that he could count on to keep him safe. As things spiraled out of control, my behavior became increasingly chaotic. I felt exhausted and I felt desperate. In turn I flipped between acting with kindness and dolling out punishments. I needed to protect myself and work toward stability.

Today’s promise to consider, for all of us who love addicts: I am not a puppet for addiction’s sake. I will seek help from experts and from those in Al-Anon. I need boundaries to keep myself safe – for my son, my family and myself.

A mother wrote an email message to me. This is part of it: My son is an alcoholic. Today he is eight days sober. The guilt, the shame, the regrets, the questions won’t leave, but for today my chest doesn’t hurt. I listen to his words, the way he says them, and I also listen for the words that don’t get voiced. As a teacher, I feel like fraud. How can I help others or work with parents, when I can’t help my own son. My grandfather drank, my dad drank, my sister drank. I hope and pray and cry and bargain with God to help my son stay strong, but I know that the choice is his and he may choose death not sobriety.

My personal reflection on the passage above, offering my thoughts and considering my family’s struggle and pain: I wanted to know where addiction came from: was it a disease, was it moral failure? After a lot of reading, I’ve concluded that it is a disease. Just like my cancer was a disease, so is addiction. How do we fight the disease of addiction? By stopping the flow of drugs and working toward recovery. But just as I had to choose to fight my cancer, my son had to choose to fight his addiction.

Today’s promise to consider, for all of us who love addicts: I will stay close, but he must wage the war. Dear Lord, give my son the desire to fight for his own life. Help me to know how to help him and how not to enable the addiction.

A recovering alcoholic writes: The illness of alcoholism thrives in the dark and isolating world of silence. Let the light in and the glimmer of hope be seen. We say in AA that ‘we are as sick as our secrets.” We are lucky to be able to talk freely to our fellow members and this helps us manage to keep the darkness at bay. I’ve found hope and inspiration in other literature like ‘The Road Less Travelled’ and ‘A New Pair of Glasses.’ In my opinion whatever works is a good thing!

Reflection: We have so much to learn about addiction and recovery from addicts, professionals and those who love the addict. Only by taking off the blinders and talking about addiction will we be able to fight it, in the open and in the light. When I was young, we didn’t talk about abortion or homosexuality or even breast cancer. Today we talk about these things and the conversations bring us closer to truth.

Today’s Promise: I will learn about addiction. I will go to Al-Anon meetings and I will talk with professionals. I will not allow the addiction to grow stronger in my silence.

“Only by bringing addiction out of the shadows and into the light can we hope to defeat it.” Dr. Patrick MacAfee