Jeff said to me, I read a passage this morning about how we are often slaves to our conditioning – events of the past, boxes society creates for us, people’s expectations and past hurts. Our minds recreate those stories constantly and lay them overtop of our current lives, typically without us realizing it.
My reflection: This thought of recreating our past or expecting the same story to happen again resonates with me. For years after Jeff’s recovery, I was looking for the lies to reoccur, examining his eyes for any indication of relapse and trying to gird myself for what might happen. Instead of enjoying the healthy moments with him, I often carried the old stories and hurts forward.
Today’s Promise to consider: The past is the past, and although it invariably shapes us, we need to learn from it and let go of it. Carrying former hurts on our backs like a turtle carries his shell helps no one. Today, I will not live in fear that the past might reoccur. I won’t waste precious time with my loved one.
Thank you, Libby and Jeff! I need to read this and remember this every single day.
Your reflections are always spot on and so helpful. Cool water in the wilderness. Thank you.
Letting go. We must let go of the painful past. Libby~~ I, too, would look into my son’s eyes the second he entered the car or the house after a stay at rehab. Hopeful. The story is there. Mothers know how to look into their children’s eyes and see their pain, their lies, their sadness, their happiness. It’s a curse. It’s a gift. For 14 years and as many rehabs, I braced myself for that much anticipated moment.
Someone once told me “the best predictor of future behavior is … past behavior.” For 12 years of my son’s addiction that very thought was embedded in my mind. It rang through my head over and over again and I would tell my son the same thing. He said, “Mom, what you are saying is that I am never going to change.” He was right. As long as I continued to dwell on the past, the future didn’t have a chance.
On July 6, 2015 my son was 60 days clean. He showed me his beautiful bright green key tag and the look in his eyes was priceless: One I had never seen before. Letting go. I know…easier said than done. I always told my son that I love him…no matter what. Letting go helped me show him.
We have a hard time letting go of the past because of the way addiction intertwines it’s spurious character on us. Its nefarious manipulations attaches to our heart and soul. We, like our addicted child, are held hostage. We become an unwilling participant in the evil that is addiction. It’s not our fault and we can and should forgive ourselves. Forgiveness is possible when we work hard on our own recovery and educate ourselves fully on the disease of addiction. Recovery is a process but one that leads to our renewed peace and serenity and eventually reaching the terra firma we so richly deserve.
For me letting go was the hardest thing to get my head around. It always seemed that I was turning my back on my daughter when she needed me most. Its a hard concept to grasp, that we through our love and fear unintentionally enable our addicts through our actions. That we are powerless over this disease and our loved ones ability to stay clean. “Let go and let God”
Its a fine line and at times I still struggle with where that line should be drawn.
If that’s not enough Now I have to let go of the past! Another thing I struggle with. I don’t find it hard to forgive but I do find it hard to forget, maybe that’s human nature I don’t know. I do know that because of the past it has been hard for me to trust and therefore hard on my relationship with my daughter.
Like you Libby and Janet I also looked into my daughters eyes for any sign of a relapse. If she spent too much time in the bathroom I was suspicious. The poor girl couldn’t breath without me looking sideways at her.
I realize now that I should have enjoyed the times we had together. Its almost 22 months since I’ve heard from or seen her and I’ve had lots of time to think about this. I can’t change the past and worrying about it won’t change it either so I must let it go. I need to learn how to appreciate the moment for all the good it has to offer and not let the past rob me of that.
Amen to this. A women. A child. So true as is every post. I am and might always be in process of being here now and in process of what I can only call re-creating. Every second is a new breath, every breath a new life.Forward, forward, forward. For all of us. Love to all here.