Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa
Jeff wrote to me, Read a great passage about vulnerability and the value in allowing ourselves to expose hurts and fears in the right settings. It basically says that by admitting our insecurities, we create a platform for others to be more honest and open in the conversation. If we can find the courage to be vulnerable, it often awakens deeper intimacy in our relationships.
My reflection: I spent a great deal of my life afraid of being vulnerable. I wanted to act as though I had the answers and no one could hurt me. Then life jumped off the rails. Addiction came into our home and dismantled our family from the inside out. In the end, I was forced to admit my powerlessness, and that’s when I started to heal. It took great courage for our family to share our story, but by our allowing others to see our vulnerability, we hope to provide a safe platform to discuss the pain of addiction.
Today’s Promise to consider: Being vulnerable is uncomfortable for me. I’d rather appear strong and fearless, but I’m only human. Today, I’ll admit my insecurities, talk openly in trusted situations and, by doing so, hope to awaken compassion and healing in my relationships.
Libby, thank you for sharing this message of vulnerability. I have been struggling with this for quite some time. When my oldest son Dennis became a heroin addict, I put up this huge shield, I could handle this , inside I was crumbling. Then Dennis lost his life to Heroin and I still but up this shield, where I remained protected and guarded while shutting out my family and friends. Now my middle son has just left a 30 day facility and I have told only a guarded few, while not being truthful with family as to where he is, has been. I don’t like living like this.
Your message today has shown me how I have hurt my relationships by refusing to show my vulnerability. Its scary and painful and I still don’t know if I’m ready to expose myself but I will try.
Thank you
Joan
I would like to suggest you watch an amazing video on vulnerability. In fact, this talk is one of the most watched on TED.com. It has been watched over nineteen million times! http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
It became vital for my own healing and sanity to become open and honest with others. This also allowed me to set healthy boundaries with family and friends when it came to discussing my addicted child. The key to success, in my opinion, is stated clearly by Libby, “talk openly in trusted situations.” I have read similar statements which eventually helped me defined my boundaries with others.
None of this is easy and it doesn’t come quickly. It take years of education combined with a spiritual understanding of the disease of addiction. That is why organizations like Al-Anon and Families Anonymous are vital in our search for renewed peace and serenity. It is only in these rooms of understanding and compassion that I felt safe in sharing my struggles and insecurities.
Continued prayers for all of us.
I love what you said Libby about addiction.. “came into our home and dismantled our family from the inside out”. How true that statement is.
At first I didn’t want anyone to know what a failure I had been as a mother nor did I want them judging my family values and practices. When I finally opened up about our situation my family was so supportive. What I struggled with is the response from friends I had known for many years. I knew they wanted to help but didn’t know what to say or how to react so they avoided any discussion about my feelings or my daughter. In turn I became very frustrated with our relationships.
I have learned over the years that not all people can handle expressions of vulnerability and that is OK. I still think its important to be open and honest about my feelings but I understand that not everyone will be able to provide the support I may need at the time.
Some of my relationships with friends have not recovered from this emotional roller coaster but that’s OK too. I have learned to appreciate the friends that remain and know that even if they seem uncomfortable with my emotional state I know its because they care and feel helpless.
Who would have thought the impact of addiction could be so far reaching.
Dear Pat, I watched the Ted Talk (thanks for the link). It’s great and makes so much sense, especially at it relates to addiction: disconnection, isolation, shame, fear, “I’m not good enough.” The talk made me think, once again, of all that Jeff and our family have been through. We still have more to learn.
Joan, Being vulnerable IS scary and painful – you’re right, but you’re also right that not being vulnerable creates a block in our relationships. In the rooms of Al-Anon, I felt safe and I shared by fears. With trust, I was able to open up more and more. You’ve suffered incredible pain and I’m sorry. There are no words of comfort for a mom who has lost her son. I join you in prayer for your middle son.
Sue, I, too, felt like a failure and I didn’t want people judging our family or giving me advice. God bless your family for standing with you and for you. Friends – they want to help, but most have no idea what to do or say. Yes, who would have thought the impact of addiction could be so far reaching. It’s been my best (and most painful) teacher.
Love to you all,
L
Pat
Thanks for the link, the talk was excellent and gave me lots to think about.
Pat , thank you for the link to Ted.com and the talk on vulnerability. One part in particular, hit home so strongly with me.
I have been trying to numb my sadness, fear and shame with alcohol every night, and its catching up with me. Brene Brown is so right, we can’t pick and choose what we can numb, and thats one of the reasons I’m having such a hard time right now.
Thanks for all for sharing
Joan