libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Mar 1, 2012

A PENDANT: worn with love

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, Stay Close

A mom wrote to me: My son came home from treatment, began AA meetings, got a sponsor and reconnected with his addiction therapist; however, this sobriety was shorter than his past ones. I know that there is no approach that will remove the pain of this struggle, but I have optimism that I have found a new way to live life as a mom with an addicted child.

I will face this next “round” with the new philosophy. I have attached a picture of the pendant I wear. My son’s initials are on the back. My pendant is a reminder to me each moment of where I need to be in my relationship with my son as he struggles with his addiction.

My response: When I opened this mom’s email and saw the pendant, my eyes filled with tears of gratitude that our family’s struggle had opened a possibility, an alternative way of being, for another mom. When the recovering Italian alcoholic told me, Stagli Vicino: Stay Close to him, I understood, in a new way, my role as a mom with an addicted son.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will adopt this philosophy of staying close to those I love, not just with addiction, but in all cases. I can’t fix problems for others, but I can support them by staying close.

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Feb 23, 2012

RESPONDING TO QUESTIONS ABOUT ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee

A mom wrote to me: I’ve noticed a few derogatory comments on facebook regarding Whitney, the “drugggie.” I’ve responded by asking for their compassion. Give me some suggestions for other responses.

Dr. MacAfee responds: I don’t believe silence is warranted. You don’t need to explain, but you might describe and share, e.g., “My daughter is an addict. People don’t understand until they encounter addiction through a loved one and not the sensationalism of media that it’s very personal and more prevalent than people know or understand.”

I always share with my students that the addict is not having fun; he or she is addicted. The party ended long ago and the addict is now in a sandstorm of despair and trauma. No need to sensationalize the addiction or the experience. Just telling the truth of it is enough.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will share my personal story with those who do not understand. I will not get defensive; I will tell the truth of it. Compassion and understanding are gifts.

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Feb 16, 2012

I BELIEVE THE CHLDREN ARE OUR FUTURE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, Jeremy, Stay Close

Papa Jeremy, Baby Iysa, Mom Aeriona, Nonna

First line from The Greatest Love of All

Sung by Whitney Houston (1963 – 2012)

Song written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed.

We offer this song popularized by Whitney Houston as a tribute to a star, a legend, who is responsible for some of the biggest music of her era. She battled drug addiction and we are reminded, once again, that addiction doesn’t discriminate.

When I was Head of School, I played this song for our students as a way of saying, “We believe in you. We believe that you are the future and, if we teach you well, you will lead the way. Your future is bright and we pass to you our strength, love and faith in you. Stay strong and know that we believe in you.”

The Greatest Love of All

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvPYXHM94DQ&w=420&h=315]

Greatest Love Of All

(the first stanza)

I believe the children are our future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

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Feb 9, 2012

TALK LESS, PRAY MORE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, family, Recovery, Stay Close

Three years ago, I wrote: For me, as a mom, I’ve adopted a new motto: Talk Less, Pray More, and I usually remember to abide by it. I stay close to my sons, trying not to enable or interfere, and I respond with greater patience and understanding. My sons know that they are my priority, and I laugh when I tell them a familiar Italian expression, ‘la mamma è sempre la mamma,’ which means ‘the mother is always the mother.’ All over the world, this seems to be a universal truth.

My personal reflection on this passage: Jeff is sober today and our family lives in a space of gratitude. We also understand that we must stay humble in the face of addiction because it lurks in the shadows, always taunting, biding its time, gauging just the right moment when vulnerability is high and relapse is possible. We must stay humble and grateful – and continue to hope and believe.

Today’s Promise to consider: I can’t control or fix anyone or anything, but I can listen more closely, respond with greater compassion and pray more. And I will.

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Feb 2, 2012

ECHOES OF PAIN

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, family, Stay Close

Jeff and his childhood friend Bryan

A dad, who has known my family for years, wrote to me: As I have read the many meditations, I hear again and again the echoing pain of separation, loss, parting, losing someone to addiction while trying so hard to hold on. Sometimes it is letting go of the old; sometimes it is being willing to step back and release in order to move forward.

The following Dickinson poem keeps coming to mind, especially the last idea that such loss is as close as we get to heaven and is surely all that we ever need to endure of hell.

PARTING

My life closed twice before its close;

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.

Today’s Promise to Consider: I have friends who understand the pain of living with addiction even though they’ve never experienced the suffering first hand. I will open my heart to those who love me and my family and who want to support me. Just because they haven’t walked in my shoes doesn’t mean they can’t understand.

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Jan 26, 2012

THE HURRICANE OF ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Relapse, Stay Close

A mom wrote: After nine months of sobriety my 32-year-old son has slipped again, this time deeper than ever into the darkness of his substance. His drug of choice? “Any drug.”

He found his way to a local hospital just yesterday after months of smoking crack. He lost a good job, forgot he has a five-year-old son and was homeless and sleeping behind a convenience store in the winter.

His addiction is like a hurricane sweeping through our lives, destroying and uprooting everything in its path. Over time I have learned that when the winds begin to blow, I board the windows of my mind and heart, disconnect the phones and hunker down for the storm to come. The wind builds and there is nowhere to hide. Each time I pray this will be the last, but it repeats, teases and taunts. I get a glimpse of blue sky only for it to be quickly replaced by black clouds again.

“Please let me come home,” he says.

“No,” I answer.

“I just want to come home. Why won’t you let me come home?”

Just as I love the rain and the softness of a warm breeze, I love my son.

Just as I hate the torrential downpour, the gale-force wind and mindless destroyer, I hate the addiction that has taken my son.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Relapse suffocates hope and faith, but I know that the decision to stop using has to come from the addict directly. It is a personal choice, not a family choice. I can the hate the addiction, but I will love my son. I will continue to believe.

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Jan 19, 2012

ENABLING: PART II

by libbycataldi under family, Hope, Recovery

Last week’s meditation evoked responses about the word ‘enabling.’ This dad’s comment below represents the general feeling among many parents about the lack of clarity between enabling and loving.

A dad wrote to me: We enable because we love our children and then we turn around and blame ourselves for helping them. It’s not fair to us, so I have chosen to do one of the four. When the choices are enable, blame, shame or love, I will choose love and “Stay Close.”

My personal reaction: We parents love our children and want to make things better for them. For me, I wasn’t sure what to do to help Jeff and almost ‘loved’ him to death. In the end, I chose to follow the advice of an Italian recovering alcoholic, “Do not abandon your son, but don’t give him money. Stagli vicino: stay close to him.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Our grown children make their own choices: some good, some not good. We can’t live their lives or choose for them, but we will love them and stay close.

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Jan 12, 2012

ENABLING AND FORGIVENESS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Forgiveness

Jeff with niece Iysa

A mother wrote to me: My son is using heroin. I tried to help him, but also know I enabled him more than helped. I recently told him he had to leave my home after money went missing again. I questioned myself – was I wrong or right? He said he wasn’t using again, but then I found proof that he was. It is the constant questioning of myself and my feelings that is breaking me. I want so badly to believe him, to believe he is telling me the truth, but it’s hard especially when time after time I find out that I have been fooled.

My personal reaction: I enabled and many of us do. Dr. MacAfee writes, “Libby both helped and enabled her son. This is oftentimes a normal response. The mother-son bond is natural and deep, and her attempts to help by bailing him out were acts of love. She wanted to trust her son; however, she didn’t see the level of duplicity and deception that he was living. Not initially and not for many years.”

Today’s Promise to Consider: Enabling or not enabling – it can be confusing. I will forgive myself for all the mistakes I made and for all the times I didn’t have the answers. I’ll forgive my loved one, too. Today, I’ll find strength in forgiveness.

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Jan 5, 2012

MOTHER TO SON

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, meditation, Recovery

Hughes photographed by Carl Van Vechten, 1936

Langston Hughes wrote the following poem. We offer it to you for the New Year. Our children learn from our example. As my dad used to say, “When you’re a parent, there is no quit.”

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor —

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

‘Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now —

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

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Dec 29, 2011

LISTENING WITHOUT JUDGING

by libbycataldi under meditation

A mom wrote to me: I know we are not alone, but I almost avoided a gathering at my mother’s house with some dear neighborhood friends because I didn’t want to be asked how my sons were doing and have to pretend all is well. My dad has passed and his dearest friend asked me how I was doing with my boys. I answered honestly, “Not the best.” He replied with kindness, “I’m sorry. I see you are struggling.” He understood and didn’t judge me. I am blessed to have shared a few minutes with him.

My personal reaction to the passage above: The Big Book of AA says that addiction can only be defeated through rigorous honesty. There were many times I lied about my son’s addiction and our family problems. After many years and many failed attempts, I finally decided to respond honestly.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today I will listen to others without judging. I will respect their right to respond with truth and I will be there for them, just as others were there for me.

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