SOCIAL MEDIA: ENVY AND ADDICTION

TM_2679 (1)

Nonna and Granddaughter

Researchers in Germany found that one third of the Facebook users they studied reported that time spent on the social networking site left them feeling frustrated and angry. The primary source of those negative feelings? Envy. Facebook sets the stage for envy with its endless opportunities to compare ourselves to others.

(Tricycle, The Buddhist Review, Fall 2015, pg. 104)

My reflection: The results of this study make total sense to me, especially during the holidays. When Jeff was sick with addiction, I flip-flopped between feeling joy and sometimes envy for my friend’s good fortunes. Silently I asked myself: Why them? Why their children? Why not mine? I felt deep sadness for my own disappointments and all the things they seemed to have that I didn’t. Smiling faces and snapshots of their family’s achievements were steady reminders that my son wasn’t doing similar great things and, in fact, was destroying himself.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will start the New Year with gratitude for what is good in my life. I will work to counter feelings of envy and jealousy by being joyful for other’s successes. Today I’ll remember that my life is my life and it’s all I have. There’s always something for which to be grateful.

 

ACCEPTING FRAGILITIES AND FEARS

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

An Italian friend, whose brother is in recovery, wrote to me, Some days ago I read a Raymond Carver poem:

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth. 

I hope that all our suffering with addiction, for our family and for my brother, will let him know how much we love him and will push him to love himself – just as he is, without masks and without hating his fragilities and his fears. I hope he will be comforted by our love.

My reflection: What a beautiful gift this young woman wants to give to her brother, the gift of feeling beloved. We, who love those struggling with addiction, have the opportunity to comfort them and provide a safe emotional space in a world that often shames and punishes them.

Today’s Promise to consider: It is undeniable that addiction causes pain and suffering to all of us, both the addict and those of us who love them. From across the ocean, in a message from a friend in Italy, I am reminded today to pray that my loved one feels beloved and that, one day, he will love himself even with his fragilities and fears.

 

 

WHY MY KID?

Photo credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

Photo credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A mother wrote to me: My husband and I were always here with our kids, but it seems to me that lots of kids who were on their own did better. Many of our neighborhood children grew up with our kids, and they all very successful. How did mine turn out to be an addict?

My reflection: This is a question I asked myself for years. I have two sons: one is addicted to heroin and the other isn’t. The kids in the neighborhood seemed to turn out OK. Why my son? What did I miss? What could I have done differently? Many parents ask themselves these same questions.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I accept the validity of all my diverse feelings. I refuse to hide my confusion, isolate myself, and keep the secret and the shame. I hate the addiction, but I will release myself from feeling that I failed my son. I did my best and there is no blame.

 

 

 

DON’T WORRY, MOMMA. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

TM.balcony (1)A mom wrote to me: Wednesday, I talked with my daughter and all was well. Thursday, she walked out of rehab. She is now on the streets and, when she calls me, she lies and tries to manipulate me beyond my wildest dreams. Today, she texted me a simple message, Don’t worry Momma, everything will be ok, I promise. An hour ago, I received a call from a hospital that my daughter was there and asking for detox. I can only hope that we can find a sense of peace that has been lost for so long.

My reflection: Jeff was in active addiction for 14 years, and I did everything I could to force him to live a sober life. I threatened, cajoled, pleaded, wept, and wrung my hands. I punished, screamed, fought, ached, had nightmares and stuffed my emotions into my belly. None of this did any good.

Today’s Promise to consider: Jeff alone made the decision to change his life. When the consequences of his addiction became too painful, too unbearable, he chose sobriety. For today, I’ll stay close, but out of the chaos. I’ll pray that my addicted love one finds his own path to freedom.

HE IS NOT HIS ADDICTION

Jeff1 (1)An Italian friend, whose brother is struggling with recovery, wrote to me: I wanted to share this poem by Hemingway. During a meeting with my brother and the psychologist of the rehabilitation program, I found myself asking how could addiction happen to us and where is the brother we used to know. I hope that one day we can find the serenity to accept ourselves and to know that he is not only his addiction. He – and we with him – are better than that.

You are not your age,

Nor the size of the clothes you wear,

You are not a weight,

Or the color of your hair.

You are not your name,

Or the dimples in your cheeks,

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak,

You are your croaky morning voice,

And the smiles you try to hide,

You are the sweetness in your laughter,

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places you’ve been too,

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in,

And the people that you love,

You’re the photos in your bedroom,

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined,

By all the things you’re not. 

Today’s Promise to consider: My son is more than his addiction. Yes, it is a part of him as it is a part of us. But he is so much more. He is son and brother; he is kindness and loyalty; he is compassionate and smart; he is the sweetness of his laughter and the dreams he now dreams. He is his own person, who has his own God, his own life and his own loves. He is still the boy with a skip in his step.

A FUTURE BECAUSE OF MY PAST

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

A recovering addict wrote to me and he signed his name with this postscript: a survivor with a future because of my past.

My reflection: These words reminded me that addiction is a great teacher. Just as cancer taught me to appreciate every day, addiction taught me to stay close and believe in a future for my family. The most important lessons in my life didn’t come from my degrees, but they came from the challenges and heartbreak of my past.

Today’s Promise to consider: If we choose to learn from our history, we can be wise. The footsteps that are behind us can’t be erased, but we can create new footsteps – the ones we’ll take today and tomorrow.

HEALING WITH HOPE AND HARD WORK

Jeff and Grams Cataldi

Jeff and Grams Cataldi

A mother wrote to me: My youngest daughter is 19; she started with alcohol at age 12 and ended up a heroin addict. After many false starts and years of fearing that phone call when I would hear that she was dead, she finally entered an inpatient center. After completion, she wants to come home. I want her home, but I am also very realistic that we are NOT out of the woods by a long shot. She is going to need help from someone who truly “gets it” and is not family. Our family is still healing – we have a very long way to go.

My reflection: We need to stay humble in the face of addiction because it lurks in the shadows, always taunting and biding its time, gauging just the right moment when vulnerability is high and relapse is possible. Addicts need to work their program. For Jeff, this meant the twelve steps of AA, meeting with a sponsor and attending AA meetings. As his family, we could provide a loving shoulder for him, but the work of recovery is a personal process forged between the addict and his support group.

Today’s Promise: AA talks about rigorous honesty and a spiritual awakening as the way to keep sober. Recovery takes work, plain and simple, for the addict and for those of us who love him. I will keep hope.

 

GET OFF THE NAIL

10372253_10152847252887640_5401372042641420094_nA friend once told me a story, In the jungle, a lion was howling into the darkness. A mouse walked by and asked what was wrong. The lion said, “I’ve been sitting on a nail and it’s painful.” The mouse replied, “Get up. Get up and off the nail.” The lion sat frozen with fear and said, “I can’t. It will hurt too much.”

My reflection, My friend told me this story when Jeff was in active addiction and I was paralyzed with fear and pain. I didn’t know what to do, how to move or what to tell people – including Jeff – so I did nothing. I remained stuck on the nail of addiction and cried.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is full of problems and we feel pain about addiction, finances, relationships, careers and countless other things. Sitting on the nail of the problem and howling into the universe doesn’t help. Today I need to find the courage to lift myself off the nail. I’ll take a deep breath, pray and face my problem.

PEACE THROUGH PRAYER

10888607_10152429051966890_1466636839770715124_nA dad wrote: I just got back from visiting my son in Texas. It was one of the best visits I have had with him. So why am I having so much trouble getting through the holidays? I think it is the result of my expectations and waiting for the next shoe to drop. I find myself focused on the future and ruining a time of the year where I should be so thankful he is alive, let alone appearing to be doing well.

I found a prayer that gives me peace.

PARENT’S PRAYER

I free you from my anxiety, from my personal idea of what constitutes happiness for you.   I trust the spirit of God in you, to guide you, to show you the way that is right for you, your highest good, the way that means happiness and success for you.

I place you lovingly in the hands of the Father. I stand by in faith; I refrain from imposing my will on you. You are God’s child you are here to fulfill your own purpose. As close as I am to you, as much as I love you, I cannot live your life for you. Your destiny, your place, your fulfillment, is between you and God.

I know that we are one in God, and that as I trust God in my life and trust him in your life, all will be well!

Today’s Promise to consider: During this holiday season, many of us are suffering in excruciating ways. Life isn’t easy, but prayer provides some serenity. Today I give thanks for my many blessings. My family and I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

LESSONS FROM RECOVERY: PART 3

le-piu-belle-immagini-damore-per-san-valentin-L-eOtgPz“WISDOM BORN OF PAIN”

I interviewed a young man, who has been sober eleven years, and asked him what he’s learned from recovery:
He said: I think that alcoholics and addicts in recovery are some of the most beautiful people in the world.
Libby: Why do you say that?
He said: Because they’ve been through the depths of hell, and survived it, you know?
Libby: I once said to Jeff, “Jeff you have more wisdom than I have.” He said, “It’s because I’ve come from a place you’ve never been.”
He said: And that is the truth.

My reflection: Addiction is complicated, and drugs are dangerous and illegal, so it’s easy to give up on addicts and to see them as a menace to society. Jeff once told me, “Society loathes addicts and addicts loathe themselves.” Once addicts find sobriety, they often become a force for beauty and good.

Today’s Promise to consider: Listening to a recovering person is a gift. They emerge from hell with a wisdom born of suffering and a desire to contribute to life. Today, I will listen to a recovering addict with compassion and an open heart. I might have something to learn.

Go to Top