Acceptance Archives - Page 9 of 12

Jun 13, 2013

LIVING COMPASSIONATELY, ETHICALLY AND GENEROUSLY

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Gratitude, Hope, Jeff

Jeff recently told me: I read a book about Zen Buddhism where the author poses a kind of recipe for living. He says, “Live ethically, compassionately and with generosity.” He further explained, “Don’t do anything that you know is wrong, be kind to the people around you and be generous with what you have.” This simple formula really struck me, as I tend to overcomplicate good advice. I think most of us have the natural ability to discern if we are being ethical, compassionate and generous. Today I make a concerted effort to live my life according to these three principles.

My reflection: There is no perfect method for living life. When Jeff was sick, I felt bombarded with other people’s judgments and advice. Inside all the clutter that was my life, it was up to me to choose how to live and what decisions to make. These three words above provide a framework.

Today’s Promise to consider: Every day I have choices to make as to how I conduct myself. Today, I choose to live ethically, compassionately and generously. I will look at my daily behavior through these three lenses.

10 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jun 6, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: THE IMPORTANCE OF HOPE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope

A mom, a friend I met a year ago, told me: I have much to tell you, but here’s the abbreviated version: My son is clean from heroin and all drugs for five months. He went to Europe to visit family over Christmas and to clean up. When he returned, he immediately picked up again. Within a week, he called and begged me to return and live abroad, afraid he was going to die here. I gave him my blessing. Today, he has five months behind him, working two jobs and saving his money. All this without my help. I know nothing is written in stone, but I know you must so rarely hear the good stories, the stories of hope.

My reaction: When I met this mom, her son was not good and was in-and-out of jail. I met her daughter, too, and the three of us discussed addiction as a family disease and how hope is one of the first things to be suffocated. When this happens, addiction wins the fight. We cannot let that happen.

Today’s Promise to consider: Hope is essential for parents of addicts. Through hope, we keep a connection with our loved ones, no matter how far they’ve fallen. Hope is fragile and it’s a choice, but it will be my choice.

16 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

May 22, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: FINDING OUR VOICE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dialogue, family, Forgiveness

A friend and I were taking, and she said, Parents of addicted children often suffer from feelings of regret, blame and guilt. These negative emotions don’t help anyone: neither us nor our children. As parents (and especially mothers) we need to find our voice. We tried to do the best we could for our children, and they became addicts in spite of that. I’m done accepting blame for what went wrong, for what didn’t happen or for what could have been done differently. If I made mistakes, it was with love in my heart. It’s now time for my children to take responsibility for their choices about how they want to live their lives.

My reaction: My friend’s words were inspiring to me. I acknowledge that we all handle the impact of our situations in a personal way, and I also acknowledge that I’m quick to take the impact, especially for my children. But I did the best I could and addiction happened anyhow.

Today’s Promise to consider: Blame and guilt aren’t the answers to life’s problems or addiction’s consequences. As parents, we try to do our best. As children, we need to pick up our crosses and carry them. We all have choices to make. Today, I’ll choose to move ahead with love and acceptance.

9 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

May 8, 2013

REGRET: THREE MOTHERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Forgiveness

Following Dr. MacAfee’s entry on regrets last week, below are excerpts of three comments that highlight the remorse addiction causes in our lives.

One mom wrote: I had so many regrets: Regrets about how I raised my son, regrets about putting him on medication as a five-year old, regrets about putting him in learning-disability classes, regrets about how I punished him, regrets of saying no and letting him go when he was 26 years old. I regret being short with him the last time we talked on the phone before he overdosed and died (my biggest regret). I didn’t know it would be the last time I would speak to him. I don’t beat myself up over it anymore.

A second mom wrote: I was thinking how I’ve always regretted not putting my son on medication as I was told to when he was younger. I wished I had been stricter, said no more often.

A third mom summed it up: We all have regrets because we all wanted to do the right thing by our children.

Today’s promise to consider: Today, I’ll do what I think best for myself and my family, and I can only hope I get some of it right. I’ll learn from my mistakes, but I won’t persecute myself for what happened in the past and what I can’t change.

10 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Apr 24, 2013

FROM ROME WITH LOVE: CHAPTER FIVE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Recovery, Siblings

An Italian college student, who lives in Rome, wrote to me. She is the sister of an addict: I want to share with you a poem I love. I’ve read it many times and each time I hope my brother, too, will arrive at the “Fifth Chapter.”

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, by Portia Nelson

I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V: I walk down another street.

My thoughts: We are responsible for making the choice to get ourselves out of the hole of addiction or despair. No one can make this decision for us. It is a singular and personal choice.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today I will fortify myself by joining hands with others. I will break the bonds of isolation and fear that feed addiction. I’ll reach out my hand, pray and continue to believe. I will walk down another street.

5 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Apr 17, 2013

A WALK OF COURAGE: SAN PATRIGNANO

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, family, Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

Michael and Libby in the woodworking shop at San Patrignano

Michael wrote to me from San Patrignano, a recovering community in Italy: My story is very similar to Jeff’s. My life was a mess: I was thrown out of rehabs and out of the Marine Corps; I dropped out of college on a baseball scholarship and walked out of countless treatment centers. I was convinced that I was the smart one doing heroin, ‘living the good life,’ while everyone else was living the ‘sucker’s life.’

My mother frantically searched for a cure to fix me. We tried 12-step, medication, therapy, in-patient, out-patient. I wasn’t having any of it.

Just when everyone was prepared to write me off as a lost cause, my mother found your book and was deeply moved by its reality and truth. Somehow she picks San Patrignano out of your book and has the courage and determination to “Stay Close” and never give up hope.

We traveled to Rimini and I entered San Patrignano, but with a different attitude. As they say in AA/NA, I was ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired.’

San Patrignano has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. The Marine Corp was a walk in the park compared to this place. Here I was literally taken by the hand and shown how to start living a different way.

I’ve been sober for 3 and ½ years. Thanks to you and your sons for reaching out and trying to comfort and help people who are struggling.

This past Saturday, I traveled to San Patrignano to visit Michael. My heart was filled with joy to see him healthy and strong. I admire both him and his mother for their courage, and their story inspires me. Thanks, Michael, for sharing your story. Jeff, Jeremy and I wish you only good things. We’re here, staying close.

Today’s Promise to consider: It takes courage to confront addiction, both by the addict and by those who love him or her. But where there is life, there is hope. Today, we’ll keep believing.

19 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Apr 3, 2013

DECIDING FOR ONESELF

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Recovery, Relapse

A mother wrote: I bailed my son out and fixed it all. When I finally went to Families Anonymous and Nar-Anon, I realized I didn’t cause the addiction and I can’t change it – only he can do that. I realized that by enabling, I was doing him more harm than good.

He was arrested again and remained in jail for three weeks. No one to bail him out, he worked on his own with a public defender to get accepted into drug court in lieu of jail. He now goes to meetings, is drug tested and meets with the judge. I learned to let go with love.

My reaction: I have spoken with many young addicts across the country and they have told me, My addiction is not my parents’ fault. Drugs are more powerful than you can imagine. When I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I made the choice to change my life. When the consequences of my addiction got to be more than I could live with, I made the decision for myself.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my child, but I will no longer be dragged under by addiction. I will give my loved one the dignity to make his own choices. I won’t abandon him, but I’ll wait for him to make the decision of health, not for me, but for himself.

8 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Mar 14, 2013

HAPPINESS: A CHOICE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Gratitude, Hope

Friends: Libby, Sandra, Frances

A mom wrote to me: As the mother of a 23-year-old addict, I fear looking too far into the future. Recently, I visited a close friend who is dying of lung cancer. He and his wife savor every day, every hour, they have together. It reminded me how Al-Anon teaches us to live one day – and sometimes one hour – at a time. The choice is mine. I can live each day in fear and anguish over my son, spending my time in dread and misery. Or I can strive to be happy and – much like my friend – savor the time I have left.

My reaction: When Jeff was in active addiction, I started each day with the prayer, “Dear Lord, keep him alive today.” Sitting quietly, even for a few minutes, was a challenge as my mind raced and conjured traumatic scenarios. I lived in fear that the phone would ring, especially in the middle of the night, blistering my sleep with frantic anxiety. In time, I learned to take my life back. Al-Anon’s steps gave me the road map to recovery and, eventually, to happiness.

Today’s Promise to consider: The choice of how we live our lives is ours. We can choose to live in dread and misery or we can choose to live in serenity and peace. When our lives are crumbling around us, it’s not easy to strive toward happiness, but I will. For today, I will savor the day, smile and rejoice.

7 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Mar 7, 2013

CONTROL: BEGINS WITH MY THINKING

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Recovery

A mom wrote to me: As a Buddhist practitioner, I remind myself again and again that the only thing I have control over is my own mind, and in turn my actions. The sooner one can accept this fundamental truth the sooner one can begin to experience inner peace because we aren’t constantly worrying about trying to control others’ actions, moods, choices. What we can do is generate love and compassion for those who are suffering and pray for them.

My reaction: When I was a child, my dad used to tell me, “You gotta make something happen, Dearie.” I grew up believing that if something went wrong in my life, it was my fault because I didn’t make something happen and, therefore, wasn’t in control of the outcome. Today, I think I misunderstood my dad’s words. He wasn’t telling me that I had to control all the events in my world, but rather that I needed to be in control of my own thoughts and actions. He wanted me to make decisions that would lead to a productive and action-oriented life.

Today’s Promise to consider: As much I as want to control the events in my life, today I accept that I am powerless over anyone other than myself. This starts with my thinking, my intentions and my behavior. As the mom writes, “I can control only my own mind and in turn my actions…and begin to experience inner peace.”

13 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Feb 28, 2013

CONTROL: WHAT WE CAN AND CAN’T

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Hope

Personal note: During a recent Al-Anon meeting, a woman brought in a hula-hoop. She stood, raised it above her head, lowered it to her waist and then dropped it to the floor. “Do you see,” she asked as she pointed to the hula-hoop around her feet, “the space inside the hoop? My sponsor explained that I can control what is inside the hoop. All that is outside the hoop is beyond my control.”

My reaction: This visual of the hula-hoop crystallized in my mind what is controllable in life and what is not. As a mom, I tried for years to control Jeff’s and Jeremy’s behaviors. As Head of School, I felt it was my job to control every aspect of the school. After years of seeing the futility of my actions, the limits of my control started to make sense.

Today’s Promise to consider: Wanting to control situations, especially during the chaos of addiction, is normal. Normal, but impossible. I have control over my behavior and my choices – the space inside the hula-hoop – but I can’t control the myriad of events outside the hoop. What I can do is continue to hope, stay close to my loved ones and pray for acceptance.

8 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment