Communication Archives - Page 6 of 12

Jul 23, 2015

RING OF FIRE

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Relapse

A mother writes: I have three sons. The oldest is an addict, and the younger brothers don’t want anything to do with him. Sometimes it’s more than I can bear. Our family is on the verge of imploding as a result of the addiction. When addiction is present, everybody is out of control, everybody lives a joyless life and everyone is lost. I know my son must help himself, but while I wait and watch, I must say – I am in despair.

My reflection: Despair, out of control, lost: all words that describe a family dealing with addiction. Brother against brother, father against mother and everyone against the addiction as we are tossed into a ring of fire. What to do? Al-Anon and other family groups help us to know that we are not alone.

Today’s Promise to consider: I admit that I am powerless over this disease, but I also know that every member of my family is affected – and I must to be sensitive to their needs and fears. I will do my best to provide a strong role model for my family, I will learn about addiction, I will keep strong boundaries and communicate with honesty. Together we will find our way. I will stay close.

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Jun 11, 2015

FAMILY DISEASE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family, meditation, Relapse

A husband wrote to me: My wife has relapsed on alcohol after remaining sober for a period of twelve years. I am now the sole custodian of three children. This disease engulfs everyone in its path, including the addict and family. I have witnessed the progression of the disease from the perspective of the loving spouse, as well as through the lens of my children who battle on a daily basis through the scars of their mother’s addiction.

My reflection: Addiction destroys families. It breeds worry, helplessness and hopelessness. What happens to the children when a parent relapses? What happens to the spouse? No mother wants to hurt her children, and this story epitomizes the power of drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is a family illness and we all suffer. But through it all, I must protect my family. Today, I’ll take this disease out of the dark where it does its dirtiest work. I will open the lines of communication, and I’ll listen without judgment to my children and spouse as they share their feelings. I will provide a safe harbor.

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Jun 4, 2015

TELL HIM TO STOP, DAMMIT

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Faith, family, Jeff, meditation

Jeff, Granddad Cataldi, Grams Cataldi, Jeremy

My dad, who would have been 95 this month, didn’t understand addiction. He once pointed his finger at me and said, “Why don’t you tell him to stop, dammit? We can all see that he’s not right. Listen, daughter, you gotta do something. You gotta tell him to stop.” I just stared back at my dad and thought, “Don’t you think I’ve told him to stop, Dad? Do you think I can’t see that he’s not right? Don’t you think I’ve tried?” I didn’t say these things to my Marine Corps Drill Sergeant father.

My reflection: My father wasn’t an addict and for him addiction was non negotiable, something that shouldn’t exist in our family and a problem that ‘had to go.’ In his mind, I was the parent and I should have able to demand that my son quit using drugs. To Dad, it was black or white, two extremes, and Jeff’s behavior wasn’t acceptable and had to end.

Today’s Promise to consider: Many people think that addiction is a lack of character and a moral weakness and, with enough guts and grit, the person should be able to stop. Stop, dammit. My dad thought that way. I wish I had had the silver bullet or had know those magic words to make the destruction stop. Instead, addiction is a cunning, baffling and insidious disease that requires extreme patience, education, perspective and faith.

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May 21, 2015

HE IS NOT HIS ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Courage, family, Gratitude, Jeff

An Italian friend, whose brother is struggling with recovery, wrote to me: I wanted to share this poem by Hemingway. During a meeting with my brother and the psychologist of the rehabilitation program, I found myself asking how could addiction happen to us and where is the brother we used to know. I hope that one day we can find the serenity to accept ourselves and to know that he is not only his addiction. He – and we with him – are better than that.

You are not your age,

Nor the size of the clothes you wear,

You are not a weight,

Or the color of your hair.

You are not your name,

Or the dimples in your cheeks,

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak,

You are your croaky morning voice,

And the smiles you try to hide,

You are the sweetness in your laughter,

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places you’ve been too,

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in,

And the people that you love,

You’re the photos in your bedroom,

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined,

By all the things you’re not.

Today’s Promise to consider: My son is more than his addiction. Yes, it is a part of him as it is a part of us. But he is so much more. He is son and brother; he is kindness and loyalty; he is compassionate and smart; he is the sweetness of his laughter and the dreams he now dreams. He is his own person, who has his own God, his own life and his own loves. He is still the boy with a skip in his step.

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Apr 9, 2015

PATIENCE IN RECOVERY

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Faith, Gratitude, Hope

When Jeff had been healthy for three years, I wrote: My son’s growth is evident. He laughs more easily, he watches more calmly and he protects himself better. He knows where he hurts and he pays attention to what is coming. He’s more reflective, thoughtful, less impulsive, and more honest. He has good friends. He is becoming the strong and caring man he was always meant to be. Recovery takes time.

My reflection: One year earlier, Jeff told me, “When I awake in the morning, I know if it’s going to be a good day. Some mornings, I reach for a word and it’s like reaching into the fog. I can’t grasp it. Other mornings, when I reach for a word, I pluck it easily out of the air.” He continued, “I’m frustrated that some days aren’t clear, but I guess it will take time. I need to be patient.”

Today’s Promise to consider: We all need to be patient during recovery – both addict and parent. Changing lives, behaviors and systems takes time. Today, I will remain patient with my addicted loved one and not jump ahead of the process. The joy is in sobriety, one day at a time.

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Mar 19, 2015

VULNERABILITY

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family, Recovery

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

Jeff wrote to me, Read a great passage about vulnerability and the value in allowing ourselves to expose hurts and fears in the right settings. It basically says that by admitting our insecurities, we create a platform for others to be more honest and open in the conversation. If we can find the courage to be vulnerable, it often awakens deeper intimacy in our relationships.

My reflection: I spent a great deal of my life afraid of being vulnerable. I wanted to act as though I had the answers and no one could hurt me. Then life jumped off the rails. Addiction came into our home and dismantled our family from the inside out. In the end, I was forced to admit my powerlessness, and that’s when I started to heal. It took great courage for our family to share our story, but by our allowing others to see our vulnerability, we hope to provide a safe platform to discuss the pain of addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: Being vulnerable is uncomfortable for me. I’d rather appear strong and fearless, but I’m only human. Today, I’ll admit my insecurities, talk openly in trusted situations and, by doing so, hope to awaken compassion and healing in my relationships.

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Feb 26, 2015

LETTING GO AND STAYING CLOSE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

Nonna Libby and granddaughter Iysa

I don’t know the author, but these words were true for us: To “let go” does not mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else. To “let go” is not to cut myself off, but it’s the realization that I can’t control another. To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive. To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To ”let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept. To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To ”let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To “let go” is to fear less and to love more.

My reflection: At Al-Anon meetings, I often heard the words “let go” and “detach with love.” These words were confusing for me because I didn’t understand how to love my son, but also detach. When the recovering alcoholic at San Patrignano told me to, “Stay Close, but don’t give him money,” this idea clicked. I understood how to stay close and let go at the same time.

Today’s Promise to consider: Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning my loved one. Letting go means giving him the dignity of making his own choices and dealing with the consequences they bring – good and bad. Letting go means staying close, but out of the chaos of his addiction. I’ll do this, one day at a time.

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Jan 29, 2015

COMING HOME

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Jeff, meditation, Recovery, Relapse

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mom wrote to me, My son is coming home from treatment next week and I am excited to see him and at the same time afraid he will relapse. He knows what we are asking of him, but I remember when he was living at home we had many arguments because he was using and did not listen to us. Now that he is coming home, what should I do if he goes back to using and doesn’t listen to us again?

My reflection: I asked Dr. MacAfee for his advice, and he explained that, before the son left treatment, it was important for him to have a plan for continuing care and a list of people to call for help and support. For the family, boundaries were critical to put into place, i.e. what would they do if he were to relapse. The son needed to tell his parents how he would like them to help him accomplish his plan for sobriety along with him, not for him.

Today’s Promise to consider: When Jeff completed treatment and came home again, I felt great joy and hope But I was also afraid. Would he use again? Would he come home and respect the boundaries we had in place? These were normal fears. Al-Anon and other family support programs helped me. So did prayer.

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Jan 1, 2015

THE PAUSE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Faith, meditation, Stay Close

Arthur Rubinstein, the well-known pianist, was asked, “How do you handle the notes as well as you do?” His response was immediate and passionate, “I handle notes no better than many others, but the pauses – ah! That is where the art resides.”

My reflection, Magic often happens during the pause, a moment when something to be discovered is given the opportunity to rise up. When Jeff was in active addiction, I was afraid of the silences, when I didn’t hear from him or when I didn’t know how to respond to addiction’s continuing problems. In time, I learned to ‘stay close’ and allowed space for the pause. It was in those moments when my Higher Power could do the work.

Today’s Promise to consider: Instead of filling the air with words and trying to solve every problem, I will pause and allow the purity of silence to provide space for me to reflect and think. On this New Year’s Day, I’ll pause, open my heart and listen to the inspiration that resides there.

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Oct 2, 2014

LEARNING FROM ANGER

by libbycataldi under Communication, Hope, Recovery, Resentments

A recovering addict wrote to me: Anger is a clear and abrupt signal that something is wrong. I’m learning to respond to my anger by:

1) Not reacting in the moment. When I feel “hot,” let it sit – like a baking tray coming out of the oven.

2) Examining the anger when I’ve cooled down. What about it caused me to respond so negatively? What role did I play in the situation? What insight does my sponsor and support group have?

3) Taking action. How can I respond in a wise and constructive way to the problem?

My reflection: Anger is a normal response and one that can be healthy if it causes us to take good action. However, anger can also overwhelm and blind us from making smart choices. For me, I’ve learned that anger is usually a kind of fire blanket that covers up my deeper emotions of insecurity, fear or hurt.

Today’s Promise to consider: When I feel angry, I’ll stop and examine what is causing the reaction. What am I feeling under the rage? Am I afraid, depressed or shamed? Today, I won’t give in to the anger, but I will pause, think and pray for clarity about the path forward.

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