family Archives - Page 14 of 27

Jun 16, 2016

AM I CAPABLE OF FOLLOWING THE GENTLEST PATH?

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, family

Photo Credit: Patrisha Lauria

Jeff sent me a passage from a Taoist book he’s reading: Like water, we’re encouraged to follow the gentlest path through life. In the face of obstacles, let us be fluid and flow downward to bend around trees and fallen branches. And when encountering rocks, let us rise like water vapor to float across the sky.

(paraphrased, Eva Wong, Being Taoist: Wisdom for Living a Balanced Life, 2015)

My reflection: When Jeff sent me this passage, I reflected on his fourteen years of active addiction and realized that I was anything but water flowing gently. I fought the addiction with every ounce of my being. True, it did me no good and I stopped nothing. I was neither powerful nor strong enough to stop the destruction.

Today’s Promise to consider: With addiction, is it possible to follow a gentle path? Can I be subtle as vapor and rise above such heavy obstacles? I must stop getting mired in things I can’t control. For today, I will do my best to handle adversity with grace and objectivity. I will let go of anxiety and suffering. Join me?

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May 26, 2016

I’M IN CONTROL OF JUST ONE PERSON: MYSELF

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, family

A dad wrote to me: I got so tired of the lies and the constant drama that our family was brought into. We parents care so much for our children that it’s really difficult to watch them self-destruct. I’m getting much better at realizing that I am in control of just one person: myself. I think prayer is the only answer.

My reflection: It’s incredibly difficult to admit that we can’t control the behavior of our addicted loved ones. It was unfathomable to me that Jeff wouldn’t listen, even when I threatened dire consequences. My dad’s words rang in my ears, “Tell him to stop, daughter. Dammit. Tell him to stop.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Once at an Al-Anon meeting, the speaker held a hula-hoop over her head and then dropped it around her and onto the floor. She pointed to her feet and the space inside the hoop, “I can control only what’s inside this hoop.” It was a simple visual that resonated deeply with me. My son had his own hoop. I had mine. There’s only room for one in an addiction.

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May 19, 2016

PERHAPS I’VE BEEN THE ONE FIGHTING HIS BATTLES

by libbycataldi under Courage, family, Recovery

A friend, whose husband is an alcoholic, wrote to me: Your final straw with Jeff is poignant. I remember your fight with breast cancer and what a struggle that was. To tell Jeff that it was his turn to fight, well that’s what I expect my husband to do. He’s better than someone who just lets life mow him over. Perhaps I’ve been the one fighting his battles. Every time he gets himself into a bad situation he has left it up to me to fix. Since I’m fairly resourceful, I’ve been fixing many of the problems he has created. But he needs to pick up his weaponry and fight, for himself not me.

My reflection: My friend had courage to write to me about her husband. It takes courage to share the stories of the underbelly of our relationships, the stuff we don’t put on Facebook. I responded to her, What worked for Jeff? When I got out of the way. When I surrendered and told him, ‘If you don’t get help, you’re going to die. When I had breast cancer, I could have died. I had to fight. Fight, son, fight.

Today’s Promise to consider: For many years I fought my son’s battles with addiction. When he got into trouble, I rushed in to fix things. That’s what moms do, right? The problem was that I denied my son the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his addiction. The more I stepped in, the bigger the buffer became between his behavior and its repercussions. We each have to fight our battles. In the end, my son fought his. And he continues to fight every day.

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May 12, 2016

WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN THE LONG RUN?

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, family, Stay Close

A mom wrote to me: He doesn’t call for weeks. Then calls and says his cell phone was stolen from his car that he left unlocked while he went into a convenience store for a second. The next week he lost his dog, saying he left the window open, the dog got frightened, hopped out the window and ran away. Stories don’t jive. But I just listen. Dog is found. Wait for the next crisis. What is important in the long run I ask myself? Don’t criticize, just listen. Don’t give advice. He’s 41. Just stay close.

My reflection: With addiction, there is always drama and chaos. During the years that Jeff was using, I felt as if I were walking on floorboards that weren’t nailed down. As I walked, I was never sure when a board would come loose and hit me in the back of my head.

Today’s Promise to consider: The addict chases the drug and we chase the addict. Addiction throws us into a state of constant apprehension and worry as we wait for the next traumatic event. It is a depleting, debilitating cycle. What is important in the long run? I agree with this mother who wrote, “Don’t criticize, just listen. Don’t give advice. Just stay close.” I had to learn how to stay close, but out of the chaos of my son’s addiction.

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Apr 28, 2016

THE SCARS REMAIN

by libbycataldi under Courage, family, Forgiveness, Resentments

The daughter of addicted parents wrote to me: I am the grown daughter of two addicts and know first-hand how truly cunning and powerful this disease is. It is a family illness and one with far-reaching and long-lasting implications. Even when the wounds have healed, the scars remain.

My reflection: Addiction affects all of us who love addicts. How does a child of addicted parents make sense of the volatility, the selfishness, the continual crises and trauma? It takes courage. Courage to face the truth about the parents we love. Courage to fight our way out of the chaos. Courage to learn to live with the knowledge of what happened.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction leaves scars. Like every battle, deep wounds remain. Today, I will find the courage to learn from the addiction and all the trauma that my family and I suffered. I will protect myself, grow stronger and reach out my hand to help others.

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Mar 31, 2016

ADDICTION IS A FAMILY DISEASE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family

A mother wrote to me: I am the mother of a heroin addict. I wake up sick to my stomach with fear for my whole family. The impact is great and it’s tearing us apart. My son is 20 and has been into drugs since age 14 – in residential treatment for nine months at 17. He has been clean for six months and living with grandparents out of state, but wants desperately to come home, be with his friends and go back to college. My husband won’t hear of it and neither will one of his brothers. It is so hard to be the mother. I would tear out my heart and give it to him if it were to heal him and this family.

My reflection: Addiction takes prisoners. First it takes our child, and then it guns down the entire family. Parents argue, a mother’s heart breaks, a father is compelled to protect his family and siblings are angry and confused.

Today’s Promise to consider: When addiction took over my family, chaos reigned. I was drowning. In the process, I learned to educate myself and to reach out my hand to family groups like Al-Anon. I needed support for me before I could help my family and my addicted loved one. Today, I refuse to lose myself in the addiction.

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Mar 17, 2016

ADDICTION IS CUNNING, BAFFLING AND POWERFUL

by libbycataldi under family

Photo credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

Terry Gorski writes, Addiction comes into our lives posing as a friend and then slowly grows into a monster that can destroy us.

(Terry Gorski, Straight Talk About Addiction)

My reflection: I was deluded by addiction. It entered our home and looked like a phase. Didn’t many teenagers smoke pot and drink beer? Surely, Jeff would grow out of it. Silently and rapidly, addiction grew fat, fed on our angst and misery and, in the end, mocked us with its strength and power. Fourteen years later, Jeff turned his back on addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. It’s crucial that we parents pay close attention to the signs of impending danger so that we can intervene early. We are part of the medicine that can heal this disease. Education and closeness are the keys.

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Mar 10, 2016

NEVER GIVE UP

by libbycataldi under family, Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

Cousins

My nephew is living a sober life after more than a decade-long addiction. A recovering heroin addict, he was on methadone for eight years while also having bouts of heroin and cocaine use. Today, he is a man who is carving out a life of strength and health. Not only is he physically fit, but he is growing in spirituality, serenity and peace as he works a strong program in the 12 steps. He’s also in charge of a sober-living house with six recovering young men. He is stepping up to his responsibilities and is deepening in wisdom and love. He inspires me with his courage.

My reflection: When Jeff was sick with addiction, I cried out to God to touch him and change his life. It took me 14 years to understand that my son had to choose. My nephew had to choose. The consequences of their addiction brought them to their knees.

Today’s Promise to consider: I won’t give up hope. Even after years of trauma at addiction’s feet, there is hope. Why do some people get well and others don’t? I don’t know, but I do know that my nephew and son are living proof that it’s possible. I pray every day that God gives them the strength to continue to choose well.

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Feb 11, 2016

FORGIVING

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Forgiveness, meditation

A mother wrote to me: My son has been in and out of addiction for years. He was very popular in school, graduated from college, and we thought all was well. We never would have believed he would fall into such depths. There have been many times when we thought he was winning the battle in his recovery, then – BAM – he would relapse. No one who has not lived the pain of a child in addiction can imagine the helplessness a parent feels. We have done many things right, but many more wrong.

My reflection: Denial happens. Even in the face of hard facts, we parents can continue to deny. Even when my son relapsed time and time again, I wanted to believe he was well. Even when he continued to lie to keep his addiction, I wanted to believe he was telling me the truth that he wasn’t using, again. “Trust me,” he would say. And I would.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will see with clarity the facts of my child’s addiction, for his good and my own. I will forgive myself for my mistakes. The only road to healing is one of truth and forgiveness.

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Feb 4, 2016

“WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS…”

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Faith, family, Recovery

A recovering addict told me, I changed my life when I surrendered. Finally, I realized that I kept repeating the same story over and over – drugs, get caught, prison, get out, try again without drugs, can’t do it, so drugs again, prison again. It was my 4^th time in prison, and I was stuck. I couldn’t see myself outside of prison. It was always the same story. In the end, I admitted that I needed help.

My reflection: The Big Book tells the addict that Step One is, We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. I remember Jeff trying in vain, over and over, to control his use. He never could. Similarly, I tried to control the addiction, forcing Jeff into treatment centers and cutting him off from family money. Nothing worked.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction was bigger than both Jeff and me. Real change only happened when we both admitted our powerlessness. Just as the addict has to surrender and admit that he needs help, I did too. I was powerless over my son’s addiction and my life had become unmanageable. This was the beginning of my healing.

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