family Archives - Page 20 of 27

May 1, 2014

GOSSIP: PLUCKING A GUINEA HEN

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Recovery, Resentments

Jeff shared a story with me: “One day an Elder told a novice to go fetch a guinea hen. When he returned with it, the Elder told him to pluck it. The novice obeyed, and when he was finished, the Elder said, “Now, put all the feathers back.” Bewildered, the novice finally protested, “But it’s already plucked! I can’t put the feathers back.” “Correct,” the Elder replied, “and it’s the same when you say bad things about your brothers. You pluck away at their reputation, and if you keep on, it may be lost forever.”

My reflection: Gossip is a part of any community. I remember how awful it felt knowing that people were talking about Jeff and our family’s problems. In fact, in Stay Close, I wrote, “Convinced that Jeff was a major topic of conversation in the school, I spiraled into a kind of paranoia.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is perfect fodder for gossip, but it is destructive and does no good. Today, I won’t be a part of it and will refuse to pluck away at someone’s reputation or integrity. I’ll be mindful of what I say and will respond with compassion and respect.

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Apr 24, 2014

REBIRTH IN RECOVERY: A LITTLE LIKE EASTER

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

Jeff and Jeremy, 1982

A mom wrote to me: My daughter’s addiction was without doubt the darkest time in my life. She was not dead, but she may as well have been; the loving, beautiful, tender-hearted girl I’d raised and loved was lost to me. Thanks to the Grace of God, Al-Anon, and more than a few very wise counselors, I was able to get out of her way and wait patiently and hopefully – often fearfully – for a change. Now in our eighth year of recovery, every morning feels a little like Easter to me. It’s vital for those of us who have experienced this special kind of rebirth, even for short periods of time, to serve as a witness of hope to others who are in that desperate and dark place.

My reflection: Rebirth, that time when our addicted loved ones come back to themselves and to us, can happen. Everyday, I give thanks that Jeff came home, most importantly to himself. Everyday, I am grateful that we have him for one more day. Everyday, I pray that he continues to make good choices.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction’s lair is filled with stories of both victory and of deep loss. I acknowledge there are no guarantees for sobriety, but I am grateful today for my son’s health. My sons and I celebrate all those who have found their way out of the grips of addiction. It’s a journey of courage and rebirth.

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Apr 3, 2014

EXCERPTS FROM HENRI NOUWEN, PART 2: THE GIFT OF COMFORT

by libbycataldi under family, Hope, Jeremy, Stay Close

Son Jeremy and Granddaughter Iysa

Henri Nouwen, a Dutch-born Catholic priest and theologian, wrote, One of the greatest gifts we can give others is ourselves. We offer consolation and comfort, especially in moments of crisis, when we say, Do not be afraid. I know what you are living and I am living it with you. You are not alone. (Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life)

My reflection: In my darkest times with addiction and breast cancer, many people offered me advice, solutions or cures. Although I appreciated their concern, the greatest help came from those who merely rested with me, stayed close without any judgment or words of wisdom.

Today’s Promise to consider: When we feel powerless or overwrought with problems, we most need to know that we are not alone, that we are supported without judgment, advice or lecture. Today, let us simply stay together in comfort and understanding.

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Feb 13, 2014

ON A PARENT’S PAIN

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, family, Hope, Stay Close

Dr. MacAfee talks about a parent’s pain when confronting addiction: Parents are often as trapped inside the addiction as are their children. They ask me, “Where is my son? Where is my daughter?” They know their child is under the drugs, but the child is lost to them.

You can hear the pain in these parents’ words:

I’m trying to remember who we were before this thing called addiction pushed in our door, flooded our house and left us homeless.

Addiction took our beloved son making him only a ghost of who he was. We could see his changes, but not our own. My anger turned to hatred and the shame of this kept me silent.

My reflection: I was like these parents, living in confusion, trying to find a way out of addiction’s grasp and not knowing where to turn. Just as addiction had Jeff by the throat, it had me. I knew Jeff was under the drugs, but I didn’t know how to free him.

Today’s Promise to consider: Only we, as parents, can free ourselves from the claws of addiction. Today, I’ll reach out for help, go to an Al-Anon meeting or talk with someone who understands. I’ll pray and trust that in time this soul-crushing heaviness will be relieved. I will take addiction out of the shadows and into the light.

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Jan 30, 2014

FROM TRAPPED TO LIBERATED

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, family, Gratitude, Hope, Relapse

Dr. MacAfee on the addict’s liberation, “Drug use traps the addict in a place of hopelessness. But when the lie of maintaining the addiction becomes more painful than the using, the addict faces himself and his use. It is this inescapable accountability that is both powerful and hopeful when he comes face-to-face with his reality. This incomprehensible demoralization is the dark before the dawn, the place where the addict chooses between life and death – the place where he can liberate himself.”

My reflection: When Dr. MacAfee and I discussed this topic, it was difficult for me because I relived our own family’s history of trauma, that time when Jeff was so sick he had to choose whether he would live or die. As his mother, I was powerless. I could do nothing. What a painful place to be! In the end, I surrendered, stayed close and prayed that Jeff would live. And I’m forever grateful that he did.

Today’s Promise to consider: Liberation for the addict comes when he says to himself, “I’m trapped and I’m never going to be able to use without dire consequences. I loathe what addiction has done to my life. I have no choice but to change.” Only the addict can free himself. I’ll pray.

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Jan 23, 2014

TRAPPED

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Recovery

Dr. MacAfee on the pain of addiction: “Addiction is extraordinary psychic pain. The addict is trapped inside his use. Drugs were once the escape to all his problems until they become his prison. Addiction is like a bad love affair: A love gone sour. Once the addict sees the trap – the trap of ‘no hope without dope’ – he must literally fight for his life. There is hard-fought wisdom at the end of the battle.”

My reflection: I’m reminded of a conversation I had with Jeff. I told him, “You are wise, wiser than I am. Your addiction taught you so much. Thanks for teaching me.” His response, “That’s because I’ve come from a place you’ve never been – thankfully. My wisdom is born from a place of intense pain. It’s one of the silver linings of addiction.”

Today’s Promise to consider: The addict is trapped inside the prison of addiction. What was once a party becomes his personal hell. I have great respect for those who are able to fight this battle and find their recovery. Peace and wisdom are on the other side.

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Jan 16, 2014

WE ARE NOT ALONE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Faith, family

A mother wrote: When we learned seven months ago that our beautiful, nineteen year-old son was addicted to heroin, I remember praying and searching for other parents who would truly understand. All I really wanted was to talk with another parent – especially a mother – who could really understand the brokenness in that special bond between a son and mother. Al-Anon meetings helped, and our good God led me to a meeting made up mostly of parents of addicted children.

My reflection: Addiction suffocates us. We see that we are losing our child and we don’t know what to do. We want to command the addiction to go away, order it into the pit of the earth where it belongs. But we soon realize that we are powerless in the face of addiction. What to do?

After an Al-Anon meeting, I wrote, “I found a peace that has eluded me. I’m truly amazed that my soul quieted there, in the basement of a church. I heard such pain from others, and I listened intently to how they are struggling to survive. Maybe I can find strength and comfort in Al-Anon, and ultimately in myself.”

Today’s Promise: I will open my spirit and reach out a hand to other parents of addicted children. In our solidarity, we find strength. It takes courage to reach out, but I am not alone.

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Jan 9, 2014

MONKEY MIND

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, Recovery

Jeff and I were talking about “monkey mind,” a Buddhist term meaning, “unsettled, restless, confused.” It is when our minds become chaotic as our thoughts jump from problem to problem.

This journal entry, written ten years ago, is an example of my unsettled mind: I’m not doing well. In fact, my heart feels torn into pieces. It’s 4:24 am, and sleep is not my friend tonight. My mind races with all my problems and I ache for someone to make them all go away. Pretty unrealistic, huh? I need to find my own peace. Dear Lord, I am so confused and I feel all alone. What do I do?

My reflection: For me, fear has always been an especially noisy monkey. The demons seemed to come out at night and torment me. In the dark, as I lay alone, I felt totally helpless and confused. My mind raced with imaginings of all the things that could go wrong. I had to find strength in myself and in my God, my higher power.

Today’s Promise to consider: I’m deeply grateful Jeff is good today, but I also acknowledge that monkey mind still continues to afflict me often during the night and sometimes during the day. Today, I will make an active effort to do something constructive when the demons find me. I’ll write or run. I will meditate. I will pray.

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Dec 26, 2013

MERRY CHRISTMAS: SLOWING DOWN

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Gratitude, Hope

Granddaughter Iysa and cousin Leah

A friend wrote to me, This week, we laid a family friend to rest; it was a sudden and unexpected passing. The Reverend’s sermon was, in short, Life is a Gift. This is something that I know to be true; however, I have not been true to it: rushing, being busy and distracted. Her sermon to me was SLOW DOWN and focus on the present.

My reflection: It’s easy to get caught up in the rush of this season, busily trying to accomplish our to-do list and allowing ourselves to be distracted. This is one of the few times during the year (maybe the only time) that people pause and schedule time with family and friends.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will enjoy this time with family, friends or quietly by myself. Life can be a roller coaster, but today I will slow down and focus on what is important and who is important. These global pauses happen infrequently and I will cherish them.

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Dec 19, 2013

HOLIDAYS: BEING GENTLE WITH OURSELVES

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Forgiveness, Hope, Jeremy

Son Jeremy and daughter Iysa

My brother JF wrote: The Christmas of 1991 found me recently separated, and with joint custody of my eleven-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son.

After a few hours (of being together with their mother at our family home), I brought them over to my place for a nice lunch…hey, I’m Italian; we gotta eat…and more presents. Finally it was time to return them. I walked them to her door, and then grabbed myself two armfuls of children. “Merry Christmas, kids. I love you very much.” “Merry Christmas, Daddy. We love you, too.”

And as I stood there, the door slowly closed in my face, and the deadbolt clicked into place. I can still hear that click. And I became overwhelmed by the crushing realization that, for the first time since I had my little angels, they would be somewhere on Christmas where I couldn’t go. Where I wasn’t even welcome.

Now intellectually I knew, of course, that not everyone is thrilled on Christmas; that many people get together simply out of habit or obligation. I knew that. But with my emotions wrecked, at every house I passed I was certain that all of them were filled with love and beauty and children and happiness. And the homes with lots of cars out front made me feel even worse.

(The entire article: http://www.post-gazette.com/news/portfolio/2013/12/04/A-dad-s-separation-ended-in-a-pair-of-welcoming-arms.print)

My reflection: The holidays can be tough times, especially when your child is an addict. I remember well the Christmas of 2006 when neither Jeff nor Jeremy came home. Our lives were chaos. I wept through most days, feeling desperate for the broken state of our family.

Today’s Promise to consider: The holidays are stressful enough without me adding all the expectations of what I think a happy family looks like and acts like. This season, I will be gentle with myself and my loved ones. Yes, I will be gentle.

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