IN HONOR OF THEIR JOURNEY

IMG_0787 copyWhen you meet a clean drug addict

You meet a hero.

Their mortal enemy slumbers within them:

They can never outrun their disability.

They make their way through a world of drug abuse,

In an environment that does not understand them.

Society, puffed up with shameful ignorance,

Looks on them with contempt,

As if they were a second-class citizen


Because they dare to swim against the stream of drugs


But you must know:


No better people are made than this.

~Friedrich von Bodelschwingh 1831-1910

My reflection: Addicts are often considered second-class citizens, junkies, losers and scourges in the community. While it’s true that our loved ones in active addiction are not contributing to society, it’s also true that when they find the strength to live in sobriety, they return to life with a commitment to service, to help others and to make a difference.

Today’s Promise to consider: It takes courage for someone addicted to drugs to pick himself up and to change his life. It takes strength for him to live a life of abstinence. It takes grace for him to serve others and to give back. Today, when I meet a person in recovery, I’ll tip my hat in honor of his journey.

THERE’S LIFE AFTER ADDICTION

Niece Iysa and Uncle Jeff.

Niece Iysa and Uncle Jeff.

Honoring Achievements: Jeff was in active addiction for fourteen years. It was impossible to see a future for our family that was healthy and complete. I was mired in confusion and Jeff was slowly destroying himself. This week, I’m reminded of how very much our lives have changed as Jeff celebrates the fifth anniversary of his music label Cascine. Our family honors this milestone alongside Jeff.

My reflection: When in the throes of active addiction, life – for both the addict and the family – becomes a struggle for health and survival. Things often change dramatically when sobriety enters the picture. Reminders are all around us, when we stop and look for them.

Today’s Promise to consider: It’s imperative to never give up hope with our addicted loved ones. There are many success stories of people who have survived an addiction and come home to themselves and their families. Jeff is one of the lucky ones. Today and every day, we’re grateful.

 

WOUNDS AS LIGHT

TM.light (1)Rumi, a 13th century Persian poet and theologian, wrote, The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

My reflection: This one line touched me deeply. The wound caused by addiction is a place where the Light can enter. I can choose to learn from addiction and the destruction that it causes, or I can stay stuck in anger, resentment and bitterness.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will let hope and healing grow in the deep wounds that addiction left. I admit that we all suffered tremendously, but I will not be chained by bitterness and ugliness. I will learn from my pain. I will have faith in the future.

HE IS NOT HIS ADDICTION

Jeff1 (1)An Italian friend, whose brother is struggling with recovery, wrote to me: I wanted to share this poem by Hemingway. During a meeting with my brother and the psychologist of the rehabilitation program, I found myself asking how could addiction happen to us and where is the brother we used to know. I hope that one day we can find the serenity to accept ourselves and to know that he is not only his addiction. He – and we with him – are better than that.

You are not your age,

Nor the size of the clothes you wear,

You are not a weight,

Or the color of your hair.

You are not your name,

Or the dimples in your cheeks,

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak,

You are your croaky morning voice,

And the smiles you try to hide,

You are the sweetness in your laughter,

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places you’ve been too,

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in,

And the people that you love,

You’re the photos in your bedroom,

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined,

By all the things you’re not. 

Today’s Promise to consider: My son is more than his addiction. Yes, it is a part of him as it is a part of us. But he is so much more. He is son and brother; he is kindness and loyalty; he is compassionate and smart; he is the sweetness of his laughter and the dreams he now dreams. He is his own person, who has his own God, his own life and his own loves. He is still the boy with a skip in his step.

PATIENCE IN RECOVERY

IMG_0787When Jeff had been healthy for three years, I wrote: My son’s growth is evident. He laughs more easily, he watches more calmly and he protects himself better. He knows where he hurts and he pays attention to what is coming. He’s more reflective, thoughtful, less impulsive, and more honest. He has good friends. He is becoming the strong and caring man he was always meant to be. Recovery takes time.

My reflection: One year earlier, Jeff told me, “When I awake in the morning, I know if it’s going to be a good day. Some mornings, I reach for a word and it’s like reaching into the fog. I can’t grasp it. Other mornings, when I reach for a word, I pluck it easily out of the air.” He continued, “I’m frustrated that some days aren’t clear, but I guess it will take time. I need to be patient.”

Today’s Promise to consider: We all need to be patient during recovery – both addict and parent. Changing lives, behaviors and systems takes time. Today, I will remain patient with my addicted loved one and not jump ahead of the process. The joy is in sobriety, one day at a time.

 

A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF

image_11A recovering addict told me, I was addicted for 30 years and was never able to get sober until I turned my world and life over to a power greater than myself. You know, I’m becoming more spiritual as time goes on and it’s beautiful. Like this morning, up at 5:30 watching the sun rise, having a cup of coffee, admiring my new BBQ I bought and it was just you know, thank God, this is so great. I could not imagine myself 20 years ago in this position.

My reflection: In talking with many recovering addicts, spirituality or ‘coming to believe in a power greater than myself’ are central themes in beating addiction and living a productive, sober life. They have discovered a God of their understanding that provides them peace and perspective.

Today’s Promise to consider: There are many ways to get clean and to live a good life, but believing in something bigger than we are big, something both outside and within ourselves, can make a difference in recovery. Life still is difficult and can be sticky, but our reliance on a power greater than ourselves can give us serenity and strength.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A FUTURE BECAUSE OF MY PAST

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

A recovering addict wrote to me and he signed his name with this postscript: a survivor with a future because of my past.

My reflection: These words reminded me that addiction is a great teacher. Just as cancer taught me to appreciate every day, addiction taught me to stay close and believe in a future for my family. The most important lessons in my life didn’t come from my degrees, but they came from the challenges and heartbreak of my past.

Today’s Promise to consider: If we choose to learn from our history, we can be wise. The footsteps that are behind us can’t be erased, but we can create new footsteps – the ones we’ll take today and tomorrow.

PEACE THROUGH PRAYER

10888607_10152429051966890_1466636839770715124_nA dad wrote: I just got back from visiting my son in Texas. It was one of the best visits I have had with him. So why am I having so much trouble getting through the holidays? I think it is the result of my expectations and waiting for the next shoe to drop. I find myself focused on the future and ruining a time of the year where I should be so thankful he is alive, let alone appearing to be doing well.

I found a prayer that gives me peace.

PARENT’S PRAYER

I free you from my anxiety, from my personal idea of what constitutes happiness for you.   I trust the spirit of God in you, to guide you, to show you the way that is right for you, your highest good, the way that means happiness and success for you.

I place you lovingly in the hands of the Father. I stand by in faith; I refrain from imposing my will on you. You are God’s child you are here to fulfill your own purpose. As close as I am to you, as much as I love you, I cannot live your life for you. Your destiny, your place, your fulfillment, is between you and God.

I know that we are one in God, and that as I trust God in my life and trust him in your life, all will be well!

Today’s Promise to consider: During this holiday season, many of us are suffering in excruciating ways. Life isn’t easy, but prayer provides some serenity. Today I give thanks for my many blessings. My family and I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

EVERYDAY GRATEFUL

Dr. Patrick MacAfee and Jeff

Dr. Patrick MacAfee and Jeff

A mom wrote to me, I just read your book and would like to know how Jeff is doing now.  I realize that you probably get 40,000 such inquiries weekly, but in reading your book, your family became an extension of my own as my son continues to battle his own addiction issues. I do hope and pray that all is well and that your family has found peace and contentment.

My reflection: This Thanksgiving Day, I am grateful to be able to respond to this question by saying, “Jeff is good today! He fought a hard battle, but he made the decision to change his life. He celebrated eight years of sobriety on July 21, 2014.” I’m also grateful that this mom knows she is not alone as she watches her son struggle to find his way out of the tunnel of drug addiction. I’m grateful she reached out to us.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is never trouble free, but today I’ll concentrate on living in gratitude. Being grateful is essential to living in serenity. For our family, we are grateful that Jeff is healthy and living a full life for over eight years. We are grateful for today and we pray for tomorrow.

WHAT IS ENABLING?

IMG_1696A mother wrote to me:What is enabling? Webster’s dictionary says, “to make possible, practical, or easy.” How simple this sounds. Why would a parent want to make it easy for a child to destroy himself? My aunt said to me yesterday, “You need to have guidelines and discipline in your house.” I just thought to myself: I would love to have that. I am a mom trying to raise three kids and one is an addict. I am not so sure what rules I am to follow.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says enabling is anything that maintains the status quo, the pattern of behavior that’s currently in place. Trying to break the status quo required me to step back and allow Jeff to face the consequences of his addiction, which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying ‘no’ to my son and staying close without withdrawing love took me fourteen years to learn.

Today’s Promise to consider:Today, I will not enable my loved one to maintain the status quo, the patterns that are destroying his life. I will let him feel the consequences of his addiction. I will stay close, but out of the chaos.