STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 2

IMG_2150A recovering addict wrote to me, I want to thank you. Your story inspired me to get to the point I am today. I read your book while being incarcerated and then passed it on to my mom. She read it and never lost hope in me, even though I am sure it was very hard at times, especially when I lost hope in myself. We now have the best relationship that we’ve ever had.

I didn’t truly know what it was like to be happy at the time, but now with just shy of a year clean I am truly happy. It’s amazing how much your life can change in just one year. I thank God for everyday I’m still alive.

My reflection: This young man is the hero. He fought for himself and his family. He is happy today, living a sober life and enjoying an honest relationship with himself and his mother. We celebrate his year of sobriety and we celebrate his today. We say thank you right back.

When my sons and I joined together to tell our story, publishing our fourteen-year tragedy was the last thing I expected to do. I wrote out of pain. But today is a new day and Jeff has been living a sober life for seven years. He is happy and our family is forever grateful that he came home to himself and to us.

Today’s Promise to consider: We will continue to reach out and help others. We won’t allow fear and shame to keep us silent or to suffocate our hope. Today, we choose to stay in gratitude.

 

 

 

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART I

Jeff and niece Iysabella

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mother wrote, My son is in active addiction. Last year, one day before Thanksgiving, he called home asking if he could come the next day to our family dinner. I asked everyone, including his brothers, and we all agreed we wanted him here. He brought flowers: two for me, and two for each of his grammas. I am grateful that our family was able to see that even though my son was in the throes of addiction and all the ugliness that goes with it, our son and his heart were still there.

My reflection: This entry reminds me of the time when I had a bilateral mastectomy and Jeff, still in active addiction, wanted to help me. For as chaotic as his life was then, I decided to find something positive in that moment, the humanity still present inside this child of mine. I asked him to wash my hair in the kitchen sink because I couldn’t raise my arms above my head. He washed, dried and styled my hair. He asked me if he had done a good job. I wrote:

I could see in his face the concerted effort this task required of him, but he never gave up. My son, my chameleon son, this was the tender child I remembered, the kid I knew, and I wondered how could such kindness be contrasted with such self destruction; the polarity, the duplicity was undeniable. But I looked at my boy who was now a young man and I replied, with a smile, “Yes, Jeff, it’s perfect. Better than my hairdresser in fact.” He returned my smile, going along with this loving game, played with a hair dryer and a brush.

Today’s Promise to consider: Beauty is all around us, but we need to open our eyes and our hearts to see it. Within the beauty, there is hope. Today, I choose to stay in gratitude.

 

 

 

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, PART 4

photo

Her son sent this photo during his morning shift at work

One Mother’s Story:  An Angel in the Making

A treasured friend once said, “Addicts are angels in the making.”  Six years ago I never would have believed that. Today I am watching a miracle unfold.

When my son was a senior in high school, I shrugged off his failing interest in class to senioritis. After all, he had been accepted into a major university honors program for that fall. So why worry?

Then one evening his favorite teacher phoned. My son’s friends were worried he was in the wrong crowd and smoking marijuana.

And so, the spiral began. An “innocent” experiment with marijuana erupted into a full blown addiction to prescription painkillers, heroin and other drugs. Freshman year he failed college and moved home. Working part-time and attending our local community college barely masked his growing sickness. Finally, faced with the choice of inpatient rehab or our turning him out on the streets, (where we got the courage to take that stand I’ll never know) he agreed to inpatient rehab.

Thirteen days into the program he was kicked out for using. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to stop. He agreed to another facility where he learned some coping skills. Next stop: a halfway house in Florida. It took another full year and a fresh, 105-day program before sobriety and recovery took hold.

As we know, addiction is a family disease. Once our son entered his first rehab program, a family therapist asked me, “Your son is getting treatment.  What are you going to do for yourselves?” Al-Anon became our answer. I soon found a group with parents suffering the same anguish. My husband attended with me and we quickly became regulars.

Al Anon saved our lives – just as the 12-step program and his own spiritual awakening saved our son. Today, he’s been clean 21 months – a miracle considering where he was. Each day is cause for celebration. There are mornings I ooze gratitude. Our son is not just “clean.” He’s rebuilding his life. Active in his own home group, attending meetings regularly, he also sponsors others. He works two jobs and this semester is trying school again at a local community college.

But what’s best is having him back in our lives. We talk about addiction. We swap stories about our groups and our shared progress. He offers encouragement – to us!!  And he offers to talk with anyone who is suffering.

Today, I am so grateful. And today is all we have.

Sometimes, when my son works the morning shift at his hotel, he texts me a picture of the sunrise over the ocean. I cry for the beauty he sees and for the man he is becoming. An angel in the making.

Today’s Promise to Consider: This is one mother’s story. We join together to share our experience, strength and hope. We bring addiction out of the darkness and share our truths.

 

 

 

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, Part I

DSC02891 3*Part I of a series where, each week, one mother or father will share a personal story about addiction.

Sharing my thoughts: The Big Book of AA talks about sharing our “experience, strength and hope.” And that is what Jeff, Jeremy and I strive to do. Our family made many mistakes, but we believe that through the sharing of our experience, we all benefit. I have talked with enough parents and spouses of alcoholics and addicts to know that we can learn from each other. In our pain, we begin to understand; in our collective stories, we listen to find hope; in our love, we continue to believe.

My reflection: I remain humble in the face of addiction and always try to avoid giving advice. Addiction is confounding and I have only one story to tell – my own. But I also live every day in a space of gratitude that Jeff is good today. He is sober and living a productive life. It is through sharing our personal narratives that we learn.

Today’s Promise to Consider: I’m one mother with one story. I don’t have the answers to solving addiction, but I will tell my story of experience, strength and hope. I will share my truths.

A FORTRESS IN THE DESERT

images-1I was talking with a friend, and he told me: There was a time in my life when I described my inner self by a visual representation of a fortress in the middle of a desert. My external self was a fortress, an impenetrable stronghold, guarded by a part of me who walked around the top and watched people approach. Inside the fortress was my internal self where there were hundreds of rooms, each one open, inviting, and filled with beautiful decorations. But there was one room that was locked, bare and lit only by a dull blue flame. This is where the most personal part of me resided: Anxious, pushing up against the door to make sure no one entered. Do you understand that I was afraid to let anyone in that room where the ‘real’ me was? When people came to the fortress, the public part of me – the guard – let them in and accompanied them to certain rooms. They were never free to look around or permitted entrance into the locked room. In time, I learned to open my fortress walls and invite people to look around as they wish. The locked room isn’t bolted shut anymore.

My reaction: As I listened to this visual interpretation of my friend’s concept of self, I was intrigued and touched deeply. The fortress described by this young man was one I knew well because I myself had constructed one in much the same manner. Especially through Jeff’s addiction, I closed up my soul, my joy and my availability and allowed no one to enter the room with the dull blue flame. As I continued to do my work with honesty and toward serenity, my locked room isn’t locked anymore.

Today’s Promise to consider: Maybe we all build metaphorical fortresses in the desert that contain open rooms for our public persona and a locked and guarded room to keep our private selves safe. Though I recognize the need to protect myself, today I will break down the doors of my stronghold and allow others, especially those who love me and are in my support group, to see the real me. 

 

 

ENABLING THE ADDICT: PART I

Jeff - Camogli - 1Jeff told me, There is a difference between enabling the addict and supporting his recovery. Active addicts are great liars and manipulators – they have to be because those behaviors help protect the using, the one thing we’re most afraid of losing. Addicts are not trying to hurt their families, but parents are typically the easiest places to find money. It’s helpful when parents support the sobriety process, but often the addict manipulates their desire to help and those resources (money, places to live, cars, etc.) are used to continue using. 

My reflection: Jeff’s addiction lasted fourteen years. While it is true that he was in love with drugs, it is also true that I was part of the problem. We once spoke in Oklahoma, and a man in the audience asked Jeff, “If your mother had quit paying for everything, do you think your run with addiction could have been shortened?” Jeff answered, “Addicts need money and we can find it in lots of places, but my mom made it a whole lot easier.”

Today’s Promise to consider: There are times when it’s difficult to see the clear line between enabling and supporting our loved ones. I will allow my sons to feel the consequences of their choices because fixing their problems doesn’t help them. I will give them the opportunity to learn without my interference, but my emotional support is unwavering.

 

 

 

 

LIVING COMPASSIONATELY, ETHICALLY AND GENEROUSLY

photo 3Jeff recently told me: I read a book about Zen Buddhism where the author poses a kind of recipe for living. He says, “Live ethically, compassionately and with generosity.” He further explained, “Don’t do anything that you know is wrong, be kind to the people around you and be generous with what you have.” This simple formula really struck me, as I tend to overcomplicate good advice. I think most of us have the natural ability to discern if we are being ethical, compassionate and generous. Today I make a concerted effort to live my life according to these three principles.   

My reflection: There is no perfect method for living life. When Jeff was sick, I felt bombarded with other people’s judgments and advice. Inside all the clutter that was my life, it was up to me to choose how to live and what decisions to make. These three words above provide a framework.

Today’s Promise to consider: Every day I have choices to make as to how I conduct myself. Today, I choose to live ethically, compassionately and generously. I will look at my daily behavior through these three lenses.

 

 

 

 

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: THE IMPORTANCE OF HOPE

351A mom, a friend I met a year ago, told me: I have much to tell you, but here’s the abbreviated version: My son is clean from heroin and all drugs for five months. He went to Europe to visit family over Christmas and to clean up. When he returned, he immediately picked up again. Within a week, he called and begged me to return and live abroad, afraid he was going to die here. I gave him my blessing. Today, he has five months behind him, working two jobs and saving his money. All this without my help. I know nothing is written in stone, but I know you must so rarely hear the good stories, the stories of hope.

My reaction: When I met this mom, her son was not good and was in-and-out of jail. I met her daughter, too, and the three of us discussed addiction as a family disease and how hope is one of the first things to be suffocated. When this happens, addiction wins the fight. We cannot let that happen.

Today’s Promise to consider: Hope is essential for parents of addicts. Through hope, we keep a connection with our loved ones, no matter how far they’ve fallen. Hope is fragile and it’s a choice, but it will be my choice.

 

 

 

 

 

THE HEALING GIFT: LISTENING

Jer and Jeff - Crop.jpgDr. MacAfee quoted Carl Rogers during a recent conversation: When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, “Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.”   (From: Experiences in Communication, Carl Rogers) 

My reaction to this quote: When Jeff was in active addiction, I wanted to talk, to share my wisdom because (obviously) I knew what he need to do to find his health. I prayed for the words that would change his life. How I wish I had that kind of wisdom or power. With both Jeff and Jeremy, the best gift I can give them is to be fully present and to listen, really listen, to their pain, their joy and their journey.

Today’s Promise to consider: I don’t have the answers to my sons’ problems, but I can offer them something better. I can listen, really listen, with my entire being. Today, I will stay quiet and be a witness to whatever they want to tell me.

 

 

 

 

 

A WALK OF COURAGE: SAN PATRIGNANO

Immagine 058

Michael and Libby in the woodworking shop at San Patrignano

Michael wrote to me from San Patrignano, a recovering community in Italy: My story is very similar to Jeff’s. My life was a mess: I was thrown out of rehabs and out of the Marine Corps; I dropped out of college on a baseball scholarship and walked out of countless treatment centers. I was convinced that I was the smart one doing heroin, ‘living the good life,’ while everyone else was living the ‘sucker’s life.’ 

My mother frantically searched for a cure to fix me. We tried 12-step, medication, therapy, in-patient, out-patient. I wasn’t having any of it. 

Just when everyone was prepared to write me off as a lost cause, my mother found your book and was deeply moved by its reality and truth. Somehow she picks San Patrignano out of your book and has the courage and determination to “Stay Close” and never give up hope. 

We traveled to Rimini and I entered San Patrignano, but with a different attitude. As they say in AA/NA, I was ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired.’ 

San Patrignano has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. The Marine Corp was a walk in the park compared to this place. Here I was literally taken by the hand and shown how to start living a different way. 

I’ve been sober for 3 and ½ years. Thanks to you and your sons for reaching out and trying to comfort and help people who are struggling.   

This past Saturday, I traveled to San Patrignano to visit Michael. My heart was filled with joy to see him healthy and strong. I admire both him and his mother for their courage, and their story inspires me. Thanks, Michael, for sharing your story. Jeff, Jeremy and I wish you only good things. We’re here, staying close. 

Today’s Promise to consider: It takes courage to confront addiction, both by the addict and by those who love him or her. But where there is life, there is hope. Today, we’ll keep believing.

 

Go to Top