Stay Close Archives - Page 5 of 10

Aug 18, 2016

REFLECTIONS FROM DR. MACAFEE

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery, Stay Close

Dr. Patrick MacAfee and Jeff

With Dr. MacAfee’s death, I reviewed a few of my notes from our conversations. He said: In most family situations, we help and this is good. In addiction, help often becomes enabling which keeps the disease status quo. We don’t do this maliciously. We want to help, but without the right information we foster the sickness and get caught in the trap of manipulation. If the lies collapse and the fiction is eroded, breakthroughs usually occur, but they’re painful. That’s why we maintain the denial and don’t want to see the truth of what is happening. When we stop enabling, we give the addict a chance to shift. We need to get out of the way and stop intervening in the consequences.

My reflection: I was the queen of enabling and denial. I didn’t want to see what was happening with my son, and I wanted to believe him when he told me that he wasn’t using drugs. At the end of fourteen years, I finally got out of the way. I told him that I loved him, but he had to fight for himself. All my efforts to save him only continued the devastating decline.

Today’s Promise to consider: Dr. MacAfee taught me that we need to acknowledge the painful enormity of addiction, but we also need to get out of the way of its consequences. Today, I’ll continue to educate myself about this cunning disease. There’s only room for one in the addiction.

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Aug 4, 2016

ADDICTION IS A FAMILY DISEASE

by libbycataldi under family, Jeff, Jeremy, Siblings, Stay Close

The sister of a brother, who died of addiction, wrote to me: We lost our brother to a drug overdose at the age of 50. We went though a lot and we always thought he was better and clean. Our parents died years ago and they did everything possible to help him. They lived a frugal existence because they could never deny him help. Do you call that enabling? I don’t know anymore. It was a long, long struggle and now my brother is at peace.

My reflection: What is enabling and what does it look like in a family? We parents see things one way and the siblings see things differently. I don’t believe there are definitive answers, but I think communication and learning are critical. We need to work to keep communication open among all family members and try to understand genuinely their pain. In the end, we must make the decisions that we think are best for our child. As Terry Gorski says, “Society gives us no rules when dealing with addiction.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will respect the feelings of all the members of my family and try to recognize their points of view. Today, I will listen to their concerns calmly and not become defensive. I will admit that I don’t have all the answers and will explain that I am trying to do what I think is right.

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Jul 14, 2016

FOUR YEARS: A MOTHER’S STORY OF HOPE

by libbycataldi under Courage, Hope, meditation, Recovery, Stay Close

A mom wrote to me on facebook from 2012 – 2016:

2012: My son had his first visit home on Thanksgiving. It was not good. When we told him that he wasn’t ready to live with his brother, he completely blew up and wouldn’t speak to us. He hasn’t called or texted or anything since then. It’s heartbreaking because I know he is hurting, but he has cut me off. I keep him close to my heart, but he doesn’t want to hear my voice or see me. When you look in your child’s dark and cold eyes and you know they feel unworthy of self love, it totally breaks your heart.

2014: My son celebrated 2 clean years Monday! He’s going to college in a few weeks…..living at home though.

2015: Yesterday, we were at the store looking for dress pants, shirts and ties, patterned socks and “pointy toe” shoes. He is headed back for sophomore year at a local university having finished on the Dean’s list. He is doing a summer internship with a legal company that works on regulatory shipping issues. When he was a small child, I envisioned him working in the legal field. I can’t help but smile!

2016: I wanted u to be the first to know. My son is 4 yrs clean, July 28! He’s going to law school!!! Still staying close!

Today’s Promise to consider: When our child is in the depths of addiction, it’s hard to have hope. Each day is a painful struggle and a reminder that he is alive under the drugs. This mother’s four-year notes tell the story of renewal and possibility. Where there is life, there is hope. I’ll continue to stay close.

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Jul 7, 2016

ALL ADDICTIONS ROB YOU OF YOUR LIFE

by libbycataldi under Courage, meditation, Recovery, Relapse, Stay Close

A mother wrote to me: I am a mother of a 25-year-old son, who lives with us. He is a compulsive gambler. It isn’t heroin, crystal meth or alcohol, but it is the same thing. Any addiction robs you of your life, your joy, and the natural and innate endeavor to survive and thrive. My son has boundless gifts – he is charming, handsome, an athlete – but now those qualities and God’s gifts to him are buried. He is almost unrecognizable. He is full of shame. He is anxious, lonely, in debt and he says he hates himself.

My reflection: There are many kinds of addictions: drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, smoking, gambling and more. They all take our loved ones and our families to the same desperate place.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addictions range from heroin to gambling, and from marijuana to shopping. Addicts of every type live a tortured existence. So do we, who love them. There are times we need to take off our blinders and see our loved one’s behavior for what it is: an addiction. Only in honesty can we find a place of commonality and healing.

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May 12, 2016

WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN THE LONG RUN?

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, family, Stay Close

A mom wrote to me: He doesn’t call for weeks. Then calls and says his cell phone was stolen from his car that he left unlocked while he went into a convenience store for a second. The next week he lost his dog, saying he left the window open, the dog got frightened, hopped out the window and ran away. Stories don’t jive. But I just listen. Dog is found. Wait for the next crisis. What is important in the long run I ask myself? Don’t criticize, just listen. Don’t give advice. He’s 41. Just stay close.

My reflection: With addiction, there is always drama and chaos. During the years that Jeff was using, I felt as if I were walking on floorboards that weren’t nailed down. As I walked, I was never sure when a board would come loose and hit me in the back of my head.

Today’s Promise to consider: The addict chases the drug and we chase the addict. Addiction throws us into a state of constant apprehension and worry as we wait for the next traumatic event. It is a depleting, debilitating cycle. What is important in the long run? I agree with this mother who wrote, “Don’t criticize, just listen. Don’t give advice. Just stay close.” I had to learn how to stay close, but out of the chaos of my son’s addiction.

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Apr 21, 2016

I WANT TO BELIEVE HIM

by libbycataldi under Stay Close

A mother wrote to me: My son is using heroin. I tried to help him, but I also know that I enabled him more than helped. I recently told him he had to leave my home after money went missing again. I questioned myself – was I wrong or right? He said he wasn’t using again, but then I found proof that he was. It is the constant questioning of myself and my feelings that is breaking me. I want so badly to believe him, to believe he is telling me the truth, but it’s hard, especially when time after time I find out that I have been fooled.

My reflection: It took me years to admit that my addicted son was lying. Not only did he lie about his drug use, he lied even when he didn’t have to. Lies became a way of life. I finally learned not to listen to his words, but to watch his actions.

Today’s Promise to consider: We want to believe our children for two reasons: 1. Because we love them and want to trust our relationships, and 2. Because if we don’t believe them, we have to do something about their use. In time, I finally had to acknowledge the level of duplicity and deception my son was living. He lied in order to keep his addiction. Honesty is the critical part of recovery – for both of us.

The Big Book, pg 58: They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

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Mar 10, 2016

NEVER GIVE UP

by libbycataldi under family, Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

Cousins

My nephew is living a sober life after more than a decade-long addiction. A recovering heroin addict, he was on methadone for eight years while also having bouts of heroin and cocaine use. Today, he is a man who is carving out a life of strength and health. Not only is he physically fit, but he is growing in spirituality, serenity and peace as he works a strong program in the 12 steps. He’s also in charge of a sober-living house with six recovering young men. He is stepping up to his responsibilities and is deepening in wisdom and love. He inspires me with his courage.

My reflection: When Jeff was sick with addiction, I cried out to God to touch him and change his life. It took me 14 years to understand that my son had to choose. My nephew had to choose. The consequences of their addiction brought them to their knees.

Today’s Promise to consider: I won’t give up hope. Even after years of trauma at addiction’s feet, there is hope. Why do some people get well and others don’t? I don’t know, but I do know that my nephew and son are living proof that it’s possible. I pray every day that God gives them the strength to continue to choose well.

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Feb 25, 2016

TAKING OUR HANDS OFF THE CONTROLS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, Recovery, Stay Close

In the 1950s, a few highly trained pilots in the US Air Force were set a life-or-death task to fly at altitudes higher than ever before attempted. Going beyond the earth’s denser atmosphere, a plane could skid into a flat spin … and then start tumbling. The first pilots responded by frantically trying to stabilize their planes. The more ferociously they manipulated their controls, the wilder the ride became. They plunged to their deaths. Until Chuck Yeager inadvertently struck upon the solution. When his plane began tumbling, he was thrown violently around the cockpit and knocked out. Unconscious, he plummeted toward earth. When the plane reentered the planet’s denser atmosphere, Yeager came to, steadied the craft and landed safely.

(Paraphrased from Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, Ph.D., pgs. 49-50.)

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, the last thing I wanted to do was take my hands off the controls. When I was growing up, my dad used to say, “You gotta make something happen.” In the face of addiction, I tried desperately to make something happen and save my son. Helpless and distraught, fourteen years later I learned to let go and let God.

Today’s Promise to consider: When facing active addiction, it is often necessary to take our hands off the controls. We can stay close and love our son or daughter – that never changes, but he or she needs to make the decision to change. Today, I’ll pause and admit that I’m not at the helm of my child’s sobriety.

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Jan 14, 2016

CHASING THE HIGH

by libbycataldi under family, Jeff, Recovery, Stay Close

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A recovering addict told me, When you’re an addict, you don’t think about anybody else. No one. The only thing you think about is drugs and getting high. And I didn’t realize until getting healthy how much the families of addicts suffer. They have emotions. We’re addicts, we’re numb to everything, we’re medicated away from society, away from emotions. I don’t know how my mum and sister lived with those kinds of emotions for so long.

My reflection: When Jeff was sick with addiction, I couldn’t understand how this child of mine – so elegant and cultured – could be living in his car, shooting heroin into his neck and getting arrested time and time again. He went into the same detox center so often the intake officer told him, “Get out of here. We’re not a hotel.” He hit countless bottoms. I couldn’t imagine it getting worse. It always did.

Today’s promise to consider: Our loved ones don’t think about us when they’re on the chase for the high. They are totally focused on getting and using drugs. We, as family, don’t enter their minds, and on the rare occasions that we do, the pursuit of drugs silences our voices. I’ll stay close and wait for him to remember that he is loved.

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Jan 7, 2016

WHEN HE IS SOBER, HE HAS A HEART OF GOLD

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, Hope, Jeff, Stay Close

A mother wrote to me: My son earned his college degree in May, but a few months later his life was spiraling out of control. He ended up in his first rehab in September. Soon after entering, he walked out even though we begged him to stay. A few months later, he entered his second rehab and walked out again, saying that he would try outpatient group. Then he was on suboxone and had to report to a group once a week. He entered another rehab last summer for a month, trying to get clean again. He came out of rehab his old self. When he is sober, he has a heart of pure gold!

My reflection: Our children are alive under the drugs, but the chaos of their using inevitably fogs all that is good, turning their best qualities against them. It is hard to remember their gentleness, especially when our loved one has been using for a long time. Addiction steals our child’s soul and gobbles his heart.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will not allow addiction to win. My child is alive under the drugs and I will not give up hope. I know my son’s heart is compassionate, loving and kind. I will stay close, pray and wait until he throws off the chains of his addiction and comes home to himself and to us.

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