Stay Close Archives - Page 6 of 10

Dec 3, 2015

THE IMPORTANCE OF HOPE

by libbycataldi under Faith, Hope, Relapse, Stay Close

A mother wrote to me: I’m afraid. Recovery was going well, I thought. Making meetings, new job he likes, nice girlfriend…I was beginning to trust and hope. In the last week, money taken from my purse, relapse, violation of probation. Now it’s back to court and maybe prison this time. I’ve given up hope. I can’t do this again.

My reflection: There were many times when I, too, felt like giving up on hope and giving into fear. When Jeff’s addiction rose up again and again, the pain was overwhelming and I felt suffocated. I didn’t know what to do.

Today’s Promise to consider: Hope can be fragile and fear can be powerful. But if we lose faith and hope, we lose our oxygen. Today, I’ll stay close to my loved one and allow him to fight his own battles. I’ll keep hope alive – for him and for me.

“We can’t be armor for our children. We can only be supporting troops.” Irwin Shaw

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Oct 22, 2015

JUST YOUR MOM. JUST YOUR DAD

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family, Forgiveness, Stay Close

A dad told me, While visiting my son in a halfway house, I was impressed with the community of support around him. “If you feel yourself slipping or getting into the danger zone,” I asked my son, “what should I say to you to help?” He answered, “Nothing. If I need help, I need to reach out to these people around me, who know my walk.” I felt relieved when he said this to me because I just want to be his dad.

My reflection, This dad was grateful when he realized his son was taking responsibility for his recovery by reaching out to his AA or NA community for help. As parents, we put huge pressure on ourselves to solve our children’s problems and lift them from the chaos the drugs create – when in reality, we’re not best suited for the job.

Today’s Promise to consider, For as much as I want to offer my son support and words of wisdom, I admit that the programs of AA and NA are far more helpful in providing access to people who are also on the path of sobriety. I’m just his mom, the person who will always love him.

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Oct 15, 2015

WHY MY KID?

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, Faith, family, Stay Close

Photo credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A mother wrote to me: My husband and I were always here with our kids, but it seems to me that lots of kids who were on their own did better. Many of our neighborhood children grew up with our kids, and they all very successful. How did mine turn out to be an addict?

My reflection: This is a question I asked myself for years. I have two sons: one is addicted to heroin and the other isn’t. The kids in the neighborhood seemed to turn out OK. Why my son? What did I miss? What could I have done differently? Many parents ask themselves these same questions.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I accept the validity of all my diverse feelings. I refuse to hide my confusion, isolate myself, and keep the secret and the shame. I hate the addiction, but I will release myself from feeling that I failed my son. I did my best and there is no blame.

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Sep 24, 2015

WE ARE NOT ALONE

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Stay Close

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Photo Credit: Michelle Elvy

A mother wrote to me: I’ve found strength in a very close Nar-Anon group and continue to attend meetings regularly. My husband, my son’s sister and I are here for him when HE is ready to change. We know we can’t force him to change – we’ve tried. After three failed rehab attempts, we have nothing else to give him, only love.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says that addiction takes the healthiest parts of love and smashes them into worry, helplessness and hopelessness. In family groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, we discover that we are not alone. We find other families who understand our pain, heartache and powerlessness. Waiting for our addicted child to return to us is like walking through hell, but there are hundreds of thousands of people who are suffering just as we are.

Today’s Promise: I will not isolate myself during this traumatic time, but will accept help from other parents who know my pain. I am not alone. I’ll reach out my hand and trust that someone will reach back.

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Aug 13, 2015

HIC ET NUNC: HERE AND NOW

by libbycataldi under Courage, Faith, Resentments, Service, Stay Close

Son Jeremy, Granddaughter Iysa, Libby, son Jeff

An Italian friend wrote to me: For six months now, two or three days a week, my mother goes to my brother’s recovery community and helps the girls design and make bags. In this way, my mother has the possibility to ‘stay close’ to my brother without ‘staying attached’ to him. When she works on the bags, it feels like all the suffering was not so important: we live “Hic et Nunc”, Here and Now. We are able to joke, smile, laugh, cry, be happy and above all be HIC et NUNC! How many times I’ve prayed to be able to live ‘here and now’ and not think about all the ifs, buts and whys. My family has found the possibility to grow in spite of sorrow. We are understanding how to stay close without being dependent.

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, living in the present seemed impossible – my mind was a constant wash of regrets, past hurts and disasters yet to come. This didn’t serve me well and it didn’t serve our family. Jeff’s 14-year addiction is teaching me how to live “Hic ed Nunc” – to be mindful of the moments, the little victories. When I’m able to live in the present and without the ifs, buts and whys, life is more steady.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will live ‘Hic et Nunc,’ the Latin term for ‘here and now.’ I will let go of yesterday’s sufferings, and I won’t obsess over the future. I will work toward staying close without staying attached. I will be grateful for the moments.

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Jul 16, 2015

LETTING GO OF THE PAST

by libbycataldi under Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

Jeff said to me, I read a passage this morning about how we are often slaves to our conditioning – events of the past, boxes society creates for us, people’s expectations and past hurts. Our minds recreate those stories constantly and lay them overtop of our current lives, typically without us realizing it.

My reflection: This thought of recreating our past or expecting the same story to happen again resonates with me. For years after Jeff’s recovery, I was looking for the lies to reoccur, examining his eyes for any indication of relapse and trying to gird myself for what might happen. Instead of enjoying the healthy moments with him, I often carried the old stories and hurts forward.

Today’s Promise to consider: The past is the past, and although it invariably shapes us, we need to learn from it and let go of it. Carrying former hurts on our backs like a turtle carries his shell helps no one. Today, I will not live in fear that the past might reoccur. I won’t waste precious time with my loved one.

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May 28, 2015

ALL LIVES ARE WORTH SAVING

by libbycataldi under Courage, Recovery, Relapse, Stay Close

A nurse friend from the Cleveland Clinic sent me this article: One Heart Surgeon’s Story of Helping a Drug Addict Find Hope in which Gösta Pettersson, MD, PhD, wrote about his 27-year-old, heroin-addicted patient. Everyone was convinced she would die. So often we meet patients like this and are perhaps tempted to dismiss them because of an apparent personal failure like drug abuse. We don’t really understand what they’re going through. We see their physical suffering, but it’s actually only a small fraction of what they endure. He operated on this young girl’s heart and she is, today, six months sober. He ends by saying, My patient’s drug addiction will be a lifelong battle – but ‘so worth living to fight it,’ she tells me. She knows now that because her life was worth saving, it is also worth living.

Today’s Promise to consider: Lives are worth saving – all lives, even drug-addicted lives. This cardiovascular surgeon saved a young, heroin addict’s life through both medical and emotional care. Addiction wants to suffocate and end lives – and not all lives can be saved – but where there is life there is hope.

Dr. Pettersson is Vice Chairman of the Department of Thoracic and Cardiovascular Surgery and Section Head of Congenital Heart Surgery at Cleveland Clinic. He contributed this article.

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May 14, 2015

ADDICTION DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dialogue, family, Stay Close

A high school student, who is not an addict, wrote to me, I always knew drugs were bad and plenty of people have told me that they are, even ex-addicts. Now I realize that addiction can happen to anyone. I used to think, foolishly, that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives. Obviously, this horrible stereotype is completely inaccurate and your family’s story clearly showed that. I realize that it could be my family or one of my friend’s. It made me realize that we’re not invincible.

My reflection: The young writer above sent me this message after hearing our family’s story. Her generalization that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives is one that many people still believe. While the medical community categorizes addiction as a disease, others consider it a moral breakdown. Whatever you believe, addiction can grip any family regardless of economic status, social standing or educational level.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction happened in our family when I wasn’t looking. Maybe I didn’t want to see, but in time I had no choice but to acknowledge that the demon of addiction had taken my son. Today, I won’t ask why my son or why my family? Today, I’ll educate myself and open my eyes.

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Mar 26, 2015

ONE LIFE AT A TIME: 41 years strong

by libbycataldi under Courage, Jeff, meditation, Recovery, Service, Stay Close

Harry

Harry: A 22 year love affair with drinking, 17 years in the Navy, and now a drug/alcohol counselor celebrating 41 years of sobriety on March 23, gave me this poem:

A little boy walked carefully along a crowded beach

Where starfish by the hundreds lay there within his reach.

They washed up with each wave, far as the eye could see

And each would surely die if they were not set free.

So one by one he rescued them, then he heard a stranger call,

“It won’t make a difference…you cannot save them all.”

But as he tossed another back towards the ocean’s setting sun,

He said with deep compassion, ”I made a difference to that one!”

My reflection: Harry has dedicated his life to helping those who are suffering find recovery. In his journey, he made a profound difference to my son and has made a difference to many others. Our family will be eternally grateful for his work.

Today’s Promise to consider: The Talmud says, “He who saves one life, saves the entire world.” Alcoholics Anonymous was started by one man: Bill Wilson. From there, countless lives have been saved. Great change can start with one person. Today, I’ll reach out my hand and help someone else. We can all make a difference – one life at a time.

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Mar 12, 2015

A FUTURE BECAUSE OF MY PAST

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, family, Gratitude, Hope, Stay Close

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

A recovering addict wrote to me and he signed his name with this postscript: a survivor with a future because of my past.

My reflection: These words reminded me that addiction is a great teacher. Just as cancer taught me to appreciate every day, addiction taught me to stay close and believe in a future for my family. The most important lessons in my life didn’t come from my degrees, but they came from the challenges and heartbreak of my past.

Today’s Promise to consider: If we choose to learn from our history, we can be wise. The footsteps that are behind us can’t be erased, but we can create new footsteps – the ones we’ll take today and tomorrow.

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