A mother wrote to me: My son got arrested and we hired a lawyer, bailed him out, but he kept using and stealing. He got arrested again and bailed himself out. We knew he was dying so we asked the lawyer to have the judge put him back in jail. We told our son we would not bail him out, that we loved him but would no longer let his addiction destroy the family. All the love in the world was not enough to make him stop.
My reflection: Dr. MacAfee once asked a young man, “What is your drug of choice?” The boy thought carefully and responded, “More.” MacAfee explained, “His answer was not an attempt at humor. Instead, the group answered with a consensus of silence, affirmative head nods. No addict ever intends to end up where he’s really going.”
Today’s Promise: My addicted loved one is trapped in the disease and, although it doesn’t always look like it, he loathes the life he is living. I will not feel betrayed. I will not feel self-blame. I will Stay Close and pray that my suffering child makes the decision to ask for help and change his life.
I think no one but an addict’s mother, family and loved ones will ever truly understand how much courage, love and suffering it takes to do nothing. Even staying close means the sacrifice of witnessing without taking the actions blind love demands that must be resisted. How admirable and impossibly painful it is to love without attempting to rescue.
Dearest Destined Friend, Your comment is beautifully written and filled with compassion and understanding. Thank you. Learning how to love without attempting to rescue is excruciating and took me fourteen years. I’m still working on it. My love to you. xo