libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Jul 4, 2013

ENABLING: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery, Stay Close

Dr. Patrick MacAfee, who for over forty years has worked with addiction, told me, Addicts in active addiction are self-centered and self-obsessed. Because of this, there is room for only one person in the addiction – the addict. In order to maintain his addiction, the addict manipulates, lies and connives. They have to. Parents love them and want to help, but they often unwittingly foster the addiction. It is critical for parents to get out of the way of the consequence of use. When they short-circuit the consequences, they contribute to the addiction. Think of it this way: USING = CONSEQUENCES.

My reaction: I lived in denial for a long time, living in the trap of manipulation that things would get better for Jeff as long as I could fix the problems caused by his addiction. With the help of professionals like Dr. MacAfee, education and Al-Anon meetings, I learned to remove myself from the stickiness of Jeff’s addiction. I had to learn how to stay close in love, but out of the chaos.

Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we want to help our children by fixing their problems. Sometimes this works, but not with addiction. I will love my child unconditionally, but I cannot control his addiction. I will support his recovery while allowing him to face the consequences of his actions.

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Jun 27, 2013

ENABLING THE ADDICT: PART I

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Hope, Recovery

Jeff told me, There is a difference between enabling the addict and supporting his recovery. Active addicts are great liars and manipulators – they have to be because those behaviors help protect the using, the one thing we’re most afraid of losing. Addicts are not trying to hurt their families, but parents are typically the easiest places to find money. It’s helpful when parents support the sobriety process, but often the addict manipulates their desire to help and those resources (money, places to live, cars, etc.) are used to continue using.

My reflection: Jeff’s addiction lasted fourteen years. While it is true that he was in love with drugs, it is also true that I was part of the problem. We once spoke in Oklahoma, and a man in the audience asked Jeff, “If your mother had quit paying for everything, do you think your run with addiction could have been shortened?” Jeff answered, “Addicts need money and we can find it in lots of places, but my mom made it a whole lot easier.”

Today’s Promise to consider: There are times when it’s difficult to see the clear line between enabling and supporting our loved ones. I will allow my sons to feel the consequences of their choices because fixing their problems doesn’t help them. I will give them the opportunity to learn without my interference, but my emotional support is unwavering.

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Jun 20, 2013

A MOTHER’S REQUEST

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, family

A mom wrote to me, It is with a very sad heart that I write to you today. Although we had some wonderful times with my son upon his return from the service, I came home from work on Wednesday and found him dead in his room. I am devastated that it ended this way. He was such a loving son and cared deeply for his family and friends. A friend wrote to me and said what a good mother I was and that I did all I could, etc. I know I tried to do my best, but there was something troubling him that I could not help him with. Heroin was what he sought for comfort.

To this mom: I’m deeply and profoundly sorry for your loss. Your pain and suffering are beyond my comprehension. This is the worst nightmare, the greatest fear for those of us who love an addict. My sons and I will continue to fight addiction. We will continue to take it out of the shadows and put it into the light where we can see it and work to defeat it. You are not alone.

Today’s Promise to consider and her request: She asked me to,“Please remind your readers to never give up hope. Even though our journey ended tragically, I didn’t give up hope. This is giving me strength right now.”

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Jun 13, 2013

LIVING COMPASSIONATELY, ETHICALLY AND GENEROUSLY

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Gratitude, Hope, Jeff

Jeff recently told me: I read a book about Zen Buddhism where the author poses a kind of recipe for living. He says, “Live ethically, compassionately and with generosity.” He further explained, “Don’t do anything that you know is wrong, be kind to the people around you and be generous with what you have.” This simple formula really struck me, as I tend to overcomplicate good advice. I think most of us have the natural ability to discern if we are being ethical, compassionate and generous. Today I make a concerted effort to live my life according to these three principles.

My reflection: There is no perfect method for living life. When Jeff was sick, I felt bombarded with other people’s judgments and advice. Inside all the clutter that was my life, it was up to me to choose how to live and what decisions to make. These three words above provide a framework.

Today’s Promise to consider: Every day I have choices to make as to how I conduct myself. Today, I choose to live ethically, compassionately and generously. I will look at my daily behavior through these three lenses.

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Jun 6, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: THE IMPORTANCE OF HOPE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope

A mom, a friend I met a year ago, told me: I have much to tell you, but here’s the abbreviated version: My son is clean from heroin and all drugs for five months. He went to Europe to visit family over Christmas and to clean up. When he returned, he immediately picked up again. Within a week, he called and begged me to return and live abroad, afraid he was going to die here. I gave him my blessing. Today, he has five months behind him, working two jobs and saving his money. All this without my help. I know nothing is written in stone, but I know you must so rarely hear the good stories, the stories of hope.

My reaction: When I met this mom, her son was not good and was in-and-out of jail. I met her daughter, too, and the three of us discussed addiction as a family disease and how hope is one of the first things to be suffocated. When this happens, addiction wins the fight. We cannot let that happen.

Today’s Promise to consider: Hope is essential for parents of addicts. Through hope, we keep a connection with our loved ones, no matter how far they’ve fallen. Hope is fragile and it’s a choice, but it will be my choice.

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May 29, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: IMPORTANCE OF TRUTH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Recovery

A friend and I were talking, and she said: I knew things weren’t good when my son’s emails dropped off my radar. My older son was honest with me and told me that his brother had taken a bad turn. I’m grateful to know the truth because honesty is the key to our recovery: my son’s, my family’s and mine. Without honesty, fear rules the day and I don’t know how to move. With honesty, even when the situation is bad, I know we can push through each setback together.

My reaction: My friend’s words resonate with me, and I’ve lived the same experience. Dr. MacAfee says that addiction needs a lie to live: Addicts need to maintain the lie in order to maintain their addiction. The Big Book of AA says that living a sober life, “demands rigorous honesty.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Honesty is essential in all relationships. Without it, we tread in the perilous waters of fiction and denial. I don’t have to expose every fact of my life and my family’s problems, but I refuse to live a lie.

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May 22, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: FINDING OUR VOICE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dialogue, family, Forgiveness

A friend and I were taking, and she said, Parents of addicted children often suffer from feelings of regret, blame and guilt. These negative emotions don’t help anyone: neither us nor our children. As parents (and especially mothers) we need to find our voice. We tried to do the best we could for our children, and they became addicts in spite of that. I’m done accepting blame for what went wrong, for what didn’t happen or for what could have been done differently. If I made mistakes, it was with love in my heart. It’s now time for my children to take responsibility for their choices about how they want to live their lives.

My reaction: My friend’s words were inspiring to me. I acknowledge that we all handle the impact of our situations in a personal way, and I also acknowledge that I’m quick to take the impact, especially for my children. But I did the best I could and addiction happened anyhow.

Today’s Promise to consider: Blame and guilt aren’t the answers to life’s problems or addiction’s consequences. As parents, we try to do our best. As children, we need to pick up our crosses and carry them. We all have choices to make. Today, I’ll choose to move ahead with love and acceptance.

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May 15, 2013

THE HEALING GIFT: LISTENING

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, Jeff, Jeremy

Dr. MacAfee quoted Carl Rogers during a recent conversation: When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, “Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.” (From: Experiences in Communication, Carl Rogers)

My reaction to this quote: When Jeff was in active addiction, I wanted to talk, to share my wisdom because (obviously) I knew what he need to do to find his health. I prayed for the words that would change his life. How I wish I had that kind of wisdom or power. With both Jeff and Jeremy, the best gift I can give them is to be fully present and to listen, really listen, to their pain, their joy and their journey.

Today’s Promise to consider: I don’t have the answers to my sons’ problems, but I can offer them something better. I can listen, really listen, with my entire being. Today, I will stay quiet and be a witness to whatever they want to tell me.

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May 8, 2013

REGRET: THREE MOTHERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Forgiveness

Following Dr. MacAfee’s entry on regrets last week, below are excerpts of three comments that highlight the remorse addiction causes in our lives.

One mom wrote: I had so many regrets: Regrets about how I raised my son, regrets about putting him on medication as a five-year old, regrets about putting him in learning-disability classes, regrets about how I punished him, regrets of saying no and letting him go when he was 26 years old. I regret being short with him the last time we talked on the phone before he overdosed and died (my biggest regret). I didn’t know it would be the last time I would speak to him. I don’t beat myself up over it anymore.

A second mom wrote: I was thinking how I’ve always regretted not putting my son on medication as I was told to when he was younger. I wished I had been stricter, said no more often.

A third mom summed it up: We all have regrets because we all wanted to do the right thing by our children.

Today’s promise to consider: Today, I’ll do what I think best for myself and my family, and I can only hope I get some of it right. I’ll learn from my mistakes, but I won’t persecute myself for what happened in the past and what I can’t change.

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May 1, 2013

REGRET: THE THRESHOLD TO GRACE

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Gratitude, Jeff, meditation, Resentments

Dr. MacAfee shared with me: During a recent family therapy session, we brought up the topic of regrets. During the sharing, the conversation became heavy, as if the room were sinking into a tunnel of despair.

In an uncharacteristic move, I blurted out, “Woah. Stop. This is going nowhere. I can’t ignore the elephant in the room. Regrets aren’t to make you beat up on yourselves. Regrets are normal, and they show a corner of our health and wellbeing. Regrets are the thresholds to grace. We can learn from these difficult matters without hating ourselves. Regrets, when properly addressed, are the gate to healing. They enhance understanding of ourselves and our place in the world as a loving individual. Sure you wonder, “How could I have done ..X…?” This is a great question, and once addressed and answered properly, can led us to health. These are simply things we would not do again.

Something settled in the room.

My reaction: I always thought regret was unhealthy and felt if I were stronger I would not have them. Dr. MacAfee offers us a way of using regret as a powerful tool to move forward in consciousness.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will use my regrets to make better choices, to develop a positive sense of wellbeing and to allow love and grace to lead me in every aspect of my life. I won’t live with regret for yesterday, but I will learn from yesterday’s regrets to live a better today.

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